#feels, #rando

10 Sleigh Bells Songs that Double as Incantations in the Event of an Apocalypse

When it comes to living your best crone life, the music that speaks to your heart should not go ignored. And when it comes to surviving the impending and probably inevitable apocalypse, we all need to be prepared.

I first discovered the noise pop band Sleigh Bells through a commercial on a YouTube video. Wondering about the very good noises making sweet, sweet love to my ear drums, I conjured a quick revealing spell, and the wind whispered a name. I had stumbled upon a rare gift: a band that combined intense guitars with distortion and sensual-yet-angelic vocals, plus some of the most deliciously bizarre lyrics I’d ever heard. I fell completely in love. I knew I had come upon something special .. something magical. What I didn’t know at the time—or until their latest album dropped—was that the fate of the world might rest in my hands.

Now that I know the true potential of this music, I consider it my duty to share these all-important and totally banging tunes with the world. Fear not, for these delicately crooned lyrics backed by crashing guitars will lead us all to salvation in the event of any of the following doomsday scenarios.

 

AI / Machine Takeover → “Unlimited Dark Paths”

If artificial intelligence rises to a point where super-intelligent machines take control of the Earth and dominate humans, our future will look bleak. Fortunately, rather than submitting to our new AI overlords, we’ll be able to fight back with this kickass tune. Just by closing our eyes and repeating the following lyrics over and over, for as long as it takes, we’ll be able to fry their motherboards and shut the systems down, leaving only organic lifeforms to take back our world. Boom.

 

What went wrong / Nowhere man

The sun came up / A tragedy

All around / Don’t look down

Chin up / Bravery

Where is the era of strength and integrity

Don’t look down

You can’t go back the way you came / Full speed ahead

 

 

Impact Event → “Demons”

If a meteorite crashes into the Earth and sends us into the same desolate wasteland that wiped out the dinosaurs, there may be a few human survivors. In that case, we best be sure they’re familiar with this ripping rock track. By chanting this verse, these survivors will  ensure the skies clear up and, little by little, plants grow again . . . and we’ll all re-learn how to thrive.

 

They’re gonna bury you

They’re gonna finish

They’re gonna stand ‘em up six by six by six

You pull the hood back

I wanna know

Which way will the heavenly go

 

 

Extraterrestrial Alien Invasion → “Throw Me Down the Stairs”

If aliens show up to colonize the planet or drain it of resources or capture humans and turn us into space milk or something, their tentacles and advanced weaponry will be no match for this phenomenal tune and our new rallying cry—sure to crack through our alien overlords’ helmets and turn their brains to mush.

 

If you so much as look at me wrong

I’m coming down on your head and your home, count on it

I’ll protect every fire I’ve built with my life, with my life

Do you know what I mean?

Cause it means the world to me

 

 

Pandemic → “Treats”

If an illness wipes out most of humanity—which, yes, includes, but is not limited to, a zombie apocalypse scenario—the few immune survivors can turn to this track, fit for a phoenix rising from its ashes. Chanting these lyrics will ensure their continued immunity from the hordes.

 

They can bomb heaven in

Heavy metal band deal with me

Drummer boy

Heavens deaf, drummer boy

Heavy metal band stick with me

Deep sleep

Put the heat on the street

Let the enemy sing with me

 

 

Societal Collapse → “I Just Can’t Stand You Anymore”

If our social structures, governments, and laws finally dissolve into pure chaos, where will we turn? Chanting these lyrics-turned-cry-of-resistance will bring all sisters of the coven together in calm unity against the unruly masses. In time, the repeated chant will help the “awaken” the hoi polloi and restore a sense of order.

 

Who died and made you boss?

Cause there’s no one there / The stakes are so high

Attraction, destructive!

Why do you do this to me?

Bombs don’t compare to the trouble you bring me

I just can’t stand you anymore

 

 

Violent Solar Flares → “Sing Like A Wire”

If the sun lashes out and destroys us, there’s seemingly little we can do to fight back against an actual star . . . Except gather underground for safety and form a circle of crone sisters, where we’ll lock eyes and softly chant the following until a barrier is formed around this very globe and the arms of Solaris are forced to retreat.

 

Static in the sentence, static in the dirt

Singing like a hunter, shaking, I go wild

Burn your body, I can see your burning fire

They sing everything

 

 

Supervolcano → “I Can Only Stare”

In the event that the atmosphere as we know it is consumed by black ash and molten lava wipes out entire landmasses, a few brave souls will recall the key verse from this addictive track—the key to healing the erupting Earth and calling down fierce rains to quell the flames anywhere lava has touched.

 

You know, I’m grieving, giving off heat

Cross my heart, hope to die

You and I / You and I

Why aren’t we sharing the breath

‘Til there’s nothing left but carbon dioxide

 

 

Macroscopic Robot Swarms → “Riot Rhythm”

This song was one of the first to catapult Sleigh Bells onto many fans’ radars, and it will certainly become the unifying chant of the human resistors against clouds of tiny robots that slaughter us and replicate out of control—sometimes referred to as “grey goo.” These lyrics will not only make our skin impenetrable, but with enough repetition, render the bots nothing more than piles of metal pebbles.

 

Dear heart, don’t stop fighting

Prepare, ride the lightning

It’s like heart-heart-heartbeat

Just like banging rhythm

You’ve gotta march!

 

 

Evil Dictator / Global Warfare → “As If”

Since the last verse of this intense track was literally written about Emperor Tr*mp, this one is really a no-brainer. Chanting this should effectively end the reign of a corrupt ruler hell bent on plunging us into a new stone age. Thanks, Sleigh Bells!

 

Spittin’ out nothing

An infinite loop of literally bad news

And skewed views, disgust

Who would have thought / Who would have thought?

But where does it lead?

May as well be on my own terms

Settle the score, this is what you asked for

So go ahead and punch my ticket 

 

 

Other Unpredicted Scenario → “Rule Number One”

It’s highly likely that we’ll never see the end coming until it’s too late. There aren’t enough songs to cover everything, and hell—all the doomsday predictions in history may be total crap. So, in the event that something completely different rips through our world and threatens our species, the following chant will, if nothing else, give us the strength to persevere.

 

Instinct takes over

Instinct commands us

Stare at the moon in a memory lapse

Wind up the clock, total collapse

Pop rocks and coke make your head explode

Pop rocks and coke make your head explode

 

 


 

Fear not the world’s end, as we have an arsenal of sweet jams to help us make it through. Now, you probably have two burning questions: What about all of Sleigh Bells’ other excellent tracks? And can’t we do anything to prevent the apocalypse? Indeed, young crone, indeed. You see, their full discography should be played at maximum volume as often as possible to stave off impending doom. And if the unthinkable does happen, at least you’ll be ready. Ready to ROCK.

 

Alicia Kania

Alicia is a feminist mermaid on a never-ending quest to find the ultimate grilled cheese. She enjoys flower crowns, air conditioning, and singing to her cat. Please send her any and all funny animal gifs set to music. You can also check out her magical blog Alicia of Earth.

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  • Kate Jones

    Awesome. I hope these tracks get picked up for a motion picture a soundtrack…a good motion picture, that is, to do them justice.