Are you guys ok?
by Alicia Kania
July 25, 2017 at 12:04 pm
I just turned 30. One day, I was still 29, and then the next—woosh! 30. And even though I’ve been 30 for a few weeks now, it’s still fucking surreal to type.
But don’t worry; this isn’t one of those “I’m so wise now; here’s a list of Life Lessons” thinkpieces. In fact, it might be the complete opposite.
Because, while I do actually feel more adulty than ever before and I did make some resolutions, there is (obviously) still a ton of shit I haven’t figured out. And I’m not even talking about the heavy stuff—not right now, anyway. I’m talking about all the odd shit people do in their day-to-day lives that that I STILL can’t wrap my head around three decades into life on Earth. There’s so much, I sat down and made a list of 30 things people do that I don’t, and may never, understand.
And listen, this isn’t me being judgey or turning up my nose at others. I’m genuinely baffled. If you do the things on this list, I’m quietly wondering if you have some kind of superhuman abilities that I’m missing out on. I’m also maybe the tiniest bit concerned for you. I hope you’re okay.
*deep breath* Here we go:
- Sharing a hotel room with anyone who isn’t a romantic partner or close relative—especially for multiple nights in a row (When do you fart? WHEN?)
- Keeping a coat/jacket on in the HOT AF mall during winter months and not producing such a torrential amount of sweat that you start to wonder if “swamp monster” is your final form
- Driving on a sunny day without sunglasses and repeating that mistake ever again
- Drinking tons of soda or alcohol at an hours-long event . . . without ever dashing to the bathroom to explode with pee
- Listening to music all day long without needing a break—for your ears and your sanity
- Wearing a skirt or dress without spandex shorts or Bandeletes underneath and feeling totally chill about all that skin-on-skin thigh contact
- Owning zero stuffed animals—by preference 🙁
- Daydreaming for only a few minutes per day and/or never on purpose
- Waking up early for intense exercise for reasons other than professional athleticism or vampire slaying
- Falling asleep with jewelry on while sober
- Going anywhere—anywhere—without a water bottle
- Traveling for leisure in clothing that could be described as “fashionable” or “an outfit”
- Staying up/out beyond 2am for fun the night before an early commitment with no regrets
- Enjoying walking around in pretty-looking feet torture devices for any amount of time
- Going an entire day without pausing to reflect on the vastness (and radness) of outer space
- Choosing an uncushioned/unsupportive chair for the full workday
- Taking up outdoor gardening as a “fun” hobby
- Using a PC keyboard without a wrist rest (flat laptop keyboards are different) and thinking that’s how tired wrists are supposed to feel on any given day
- Keeping everything in the sock drawer paired/organized and never just dumping the basket of clean laundry directly in there
- Waking up and eating breakfast before brushing teeth and feeling A-OK about the taste of toast with a hint of morning breath
- Wearing nail polish for more than three days without giving in and completely destroying it
- Never slipping back into bed for a sweet mid-day nap if the option is there
- Eating on a restaurant patio when it’s over 85 degrees outside
- Enjoying staying more than one night as someone’s house guest, especially if sleeping on a sofa
- Thriving on regular small talk, with minimal or no internal screaming
- Lounging at home in jeans when yoga pants exist
- Going more than five hours without eating and never losing your cool to a hangry rage, especially during an active day—and doubly if you’ve been swimming for any time at all
- Actively making conversation during a massage or other relaxing experience instead of taking full advantage of the chance to quietly go to your happy place
- Expressing only casual, level-headed interest in a “favorite” anything and sounding like a rational person while talking about it
- Hot yoga
The cool thing about being 30 is that I’ve made my peace with never figuring out any of this shit. I’ll probably never understand, so you do you, and I’ll be over here scratching my head.
Maybe I’m still not that great at human-ing or I’m just a delicate butterfly? Maybe both. The really cool thing about being 30 is that I don’t give a single damn, and I’m never suffering through an evening in high heels again… and I’m gonna keep sleeping in as late as possible, thanks.