#diy, #rando

6 Ingenious Makeup Storage Tips for Extremely Lazy Slobs

Lazy Doofus Beauty Guide, Volume 2

Does your bathroom overfloweth with a bounty of disorganized makeup brushes, mismatched eye shadow palettes, and crusty, dried up tubes of mascara? Are you tired of ransacking your cupboards for one of the three lipsticks you actually wear (out of the dozen or so you bought on sale at a grocery store and swear you’ll use someday)? You could probably benefit from a tutorial on determining whether or not your ancient eyeliner pens are going to give you an eye infection, but this is not that tutorial. I mean, makeup isn’t cheap! What if you finally learn how to contour and regret throwing away that $7 bottle of two-shades-lighter-than-your-skin-tone foundation you bought in 2009?

Besides — some people are naturally glamorous and only need a dab of blush or a quick swipe of eyeliner to feel like the most babely person in the room. But a lot of us rely on our vast collections of cosmetic products to give us that healthy, vaguely human glow. These 6 ingenious, space-saving DIY makeup storage tips will help you justify holding onto all that jank-ass makeup so long that your family eventually buries you with it.

 


 

Tip #1: Vintage Cosmetics Display Tray

This simple cosmetic tray is ridiculously easy to throw together — all you need is that quaint, adorable vintage decorative plate you definitely already had in your house and totally didn’t purchase specifically for this purpose.

What you need for this step:

  • Decorative plate
  • Tons of cupboard space to house all the junky makeup that won’t fit on the plate

How to assemble:

  • Place all your fave makeups on the plate. Theoretically, this will allow you to find what you need more easily (rather than leading you to stack the plate to precarious heights as you dump every piece of makeup you own on it, thus increasing the mess in your bathroom)

Notes and disclaimers:

  • This is a great way to break the beautiful chinaware your beloved Maw Maw left to you in her will, you ungrateful millennial!!!

 

Tip #2: Canine-Powered Makeup Caddy

This makeup caddy is both super cute and super portable. Plus, you’ll be able to finally really get your money’s worth on that pet deposit — super thrifty!!

What you need for this step:

  • A wraparound headband
  • A smol, patient doggo

How to assemble:

  • Slide smol doggo through the headband. Doggo should be wearing the headband like a cute l’il belt.
  • Tuck makeup into the headband
  • Pet doggo
  • You’re done!

Notes & Disclaimers:

  • Do not substitute with a cat or risk getting your hands minced to pieces
  • Do not try the Canine-Powered Makeup Caddy if your doggo likes to eat small objects!!!!!!!
  • You will probably never see most of this makeup again but lbr you won’t miss most of it

 

Tip #3: Quaint “Bird’s Nest” Storage Basket

The best DIY projects are made from everyday objects you can find throughout your home. Naturally, you want to use simple items you already have in abundance, right? Well look no further, because all those globs of your own hair littered throughout your bathroom will finally come in handy.

What you need:

  • Hair
  • Conditioner
  • Multivitamins
  • A brush
  • A gross bathroom

How to assemble:

  • Cultivate a thick and healthy mane
  • Gather as much hair as you possibly can — sweep your bathroom, clean your hair styling tools, brush your dog, and wipe down your shower
  • Find an attractive mate that you’d like to woo. Everyone knows that humans are drawn to partners who can craft a domicile from their own dead skin cells.
  • Assemble your nest as ostentatiously as possible in your desired mate’s line of vision. This video tutorial can help you get a handle on putting your nest together.
  • Perch within your cosmetics basket and hope for the best
  • You’re done
  • Oh wait you should probably put some makeup in there too

Notes & Disclaimers:

  • None, this is a totally foolproof plan that will work out perfectly for you in every way

 

Tip #4: Extra Large Porcelain Makeup Storage Chest

Sometimes your makeup collection is too vast to contain through conventional storage methods alone. This chest can accommodate a wide range of cosmetics using a single appliance you probably already use every day.

What you need:

  • Bathtub
  • Drain plug
  • Shower curtain
  • A year’s supply of dry shampoo and extra strength deodorant

How to assemble:

  • Ransack your entire bathroom and retrieve every single cosmetic product you own
  • Pour all this makeup into your bathtub
  • Draw the shower curtain when guests come over to efficiently hide your makeup stash

Notes & disclaimers:

  • You may need to purchase additional beauty products to compensate for your inability to bathe

 

Tip #5: “Nature’s Pocket” Storage Rack

This storage tip makes your cosmetics impossible to lose and accessible to you at all times.

What you need:

  • boobs
  • a bra

How to assemble:

  • Pretend you’re the baddest hooker in an old western movie. Like, one with a corset on the outside of her dress, a mole on her left cheek, ruby-red lipstick, a world-weary grin, a bad wig, and a fancy cigarette-holder nonchalantly perched in her right hand. Pretend you know a secret that the earnest new sheriff in town ain’t gettin out of you unless he pays the price.
  • Wear a garter and stick a revolver in it — but like, not a real revolver. Just get a small Nerf gun or something, because otherwise you will definitely shoot yourself in the thigh
  • Bonus: have someone refer to you as a “spirited old dame but a rare beauty nonetheless” and sigh
  • Stick makeup in between your boobs
  • You’re done!

Notes and disclaimers:

  • Storage capacity dependent on size of rack and distance between shelves

 

Tip #6: Succumb To The Void

Accept that you’re a shining trash beacon in the bleakness of space. Become one with your trash. Live your best trash life. Continue to purchase shitty cosmetics and never throw anything away.

What you need:

  • [intentionally kept blank]

How to assemble:

  • don’t

Notes and disclaimers:

  • memento mori

 


 

We hope these genius organizing tips help you get your shit together and thrive in a clutter-free environment — because it’s critical that you keep your enormous cosmetics stash hidden from the gaze of men, no matter what.

Look, the important thing is to maintain your hotness at all times, so naturally you have to keep purchasing as much makeup as you can carry in a futile attempt to correct those unforgivable character flaws, like large pores, or visible capillaries, or tactile skin. Are you the kind of callous, unfeeling creature who consigns dudes to the fate of looking at your ghoulish, bare-faced visage? Of course not! But leaving brow pencils or moisturizing primers on your counter is basically as bad as going to a formal event in flats instead of heels. It’s the first crack in the veneer that keeps people from learning that you’re just a regular, greasy, flaky human being, and not a effortlessly dewy, eternally ageless elf queen.

Luckily, unlike living your life as a self-identified woman in this patriarchal hellscape, there’s no right way to organize your makeup. So find the system that works best for you — as long as you keep on burying your assorted beauty products in your bathroom like the feelings you bury in your non-compliant heart.

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror in blood during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a big weirdo that likes to design in Photoshop and code in JavaScript. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.

Posts

$
Personal Info

Donation Total: $1

  • Liz Weiss

    so this was funny – descriptions and pictures etc…. but I was hoping for some real tips!!!! LOL.

    • CC

      You know, these tips might sound kinda nuts but they’re not much crazier than the ones that inspired me to write this post! Come on, internet! I’m not going to purchase woodworking tools or industrial-strength sealants to tidily stash all the discount makeup that’s cluttering up my bathroom! If I had the time and patience for that, I wouldn’t be the kind of person who buys this much janky makeup!

      The only actually useful tip I found was advice on how to figure out what makeup I should probably throw away. Maybe someday I’ll actually do it……..