Are YOU allowed to do this to a woman? A quiz.

How To Not Be Trash

December 8, 2017 at 2:36 pm

Interacting with females these days can be a real dilemma. Suddenly, you can’t tell women on the street to smile or text a picture of your ballsack to your 19 year old intern without somebody accusing you of rampant misogyny. Need help figuring out all these complex new social rules? In this handy training tool, we’ll give you a sample interaction with a woman you don’t know. Then, you tell us who you are and we’ll tell you if it’s okay for you to go ahead and do that thing.

 

1) Are you allowed to: hold the door open as she struggles to carry some boxes? You are:
A courteous stranger who also has struggled to carry things
Tired of holding this door but too polite to leave
Her concierge (fancy!!!)
Single ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Smudge, the Australian Labrador Retriever hotel doorman
An actual doorstop

Correct!

Wrong!

2) Are you allowed to: hug her in a grocery store? You are:
Her significant other
Her relative
Her close friend
Her secret twin
Loubie, the Golden Retriever who loves to hug
A complete fucking stranger Compelled To Act by her beauty

Correct!

Wrong!

3) Are you allowed to: smell her hair in an elevator? You are:
A smol lil woofer in a backpack
Literally anyone else

Correct!

Wrong!

4) Are you allowed to: complement the curve of her breasts under that cardigan? You are:
Her obviously skeezy boss or colleague
Her exceptionally handsome boss or colleague
Her trusted, mild-mannered boss or colleague
A magic mirror as voiced by Will Arnett
Channing Tatum in Jupiter Ascending
A well-fitting bra

Correct!

Wrong!

5) Are you allowed to: wave at her like you know her, when you in fact do not, so that you can trick her into approaching you? You are:
Actually someone who knows her. How’s it going, Alex!!!
Just some guy who smells like corn chips and day-old Bud Lite
Dabbling in pickup artistry
A cursed ghost
Her secret twin
Tillman the surfing / skateboarding bulldog

Correct!

Wrong!

6) Are you allowed to: assemble a big group and follow her as she walks home at night? Y’all are:
Two bored guys hanging out on a stoop
An improv troupe
Lost ducklings
A boisterous group of bros
A boisterous group of bros who just found her wallet
The cast of Space Buddies

Correct!

Wrong!

7) Are you allowed to: make physical contact with her that she did not explicitly, verbally consent to? You are:
Extremely handsome
Actor Bill Murray attends the "Hyde Park on Hudson" premiere at Roy Thomson Hall during the Toronto International Film Festival on Monday Sept. 10, 2012, in Toronto. (Photo by Arthur Mola/Invision/AP)
Extremely charming
Extremely admired
Extremely feminist
Extremely wealthy
Extremely floof

Correct!

Wrong!

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Are YOU allowed to do this to a woman? A quiz.

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Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!