As we all know, most things were put on this Earth by a cruel and viciously ambivalent Universe solely for the purpose of unraveling Human minds by small, painful degrees. Do you also know which of them poison any chance of me, personally, being able to live a peaceful and relatively terror-free existence? Put your knowledge of my interior Hellscape to the test with this fun quiz!
You are walking down a busy public street in broad daylight. What's the worst that could happen?
You will slip and fall into a pile of horse crap.
Strangers will touch you without permission.
An owl will swoop out of the sky and claw a hole in your head, thinking your ponytail is prey.
A construction crane will fall over and crush you beneath it.
It's the first day of high school, and you're excited to get a start on the year because you are a huge nerd, but you're also nervous. What possible future is haunting you?
You will suddenly develop an intolerable body odor while also being seated next to your crush in every class.
Everyone you thought was your friend will completely ignore you and pretend you don't exist.
You will be told on arrival that there was a huge mistake and you will actually be required to repeat a grade this year.
You will be kidnapped at the bus stop and never be seen nor heard from again.
All your friends are out at your favorite bar and they want you to join them! What frightening scenario is most likely to cause you to stay frozen on the couch instead?
Being robbed in a dark alley.
Encountering drunk drivers on the road.
Overspending your monthly "FUN MONEY!!" budget.
An attractive stranger smiles at you and you enjoy it.
There's no place like home for the holidays! What is the thought that keeps you up every night that you are visiting your family?
A plane will crash into the lake behind your parents' house right as dinner is about to be served.
Your family will openly discuss, not for the first time, the size/quality of your poop and its relationship to the house plumbing.
The large Yoda photomosaic in your childhood bedroom is possessed by a demon trying to curse you.
The small framed portrait of former president George W. Bush in the guest room is possessed by a demon trying to curse your boyfriend.
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Can You Guess What I Fear Most On This Horrible Earth?
Ashley is a writer, a subtropical swamp blossom transplanted to a temperate rain forest, and a 100% organic mansplain repellent. She enjoys yelling about the media and pop culture zeitgeists that everyone has moved on from at least six months previous, and headcanoning her favorite fictional characters queer.