Ways to Make America Great Again

Yes We Can

March 11, 2016 at 12:59 pm

All of these 2016 presidential candidates have some pretty big ideas about how to help our country get its shit together. But they can all agree on one thing: America has totally seen better days. Where we were once a proud, free, jingoistic hot mess, now we are…well, we’re pretty much the same, but considering how sizeable Donald Drumpf’s supporter base is, things have certainly gone downhill in recent years. At the end of the day, what would it take to bring our country back to its former glory? Here are some suggestions for our next commander-in-chief.

 

  • Restore America’s whimsy by banning bicycles with less than three wheels

 

  • Reconcile with other major landmasses to re-form supercontinent

 

 

  • Repeal the Big Bang; return us to the stars

 

  • Tell Donald Trump and Ted Cruz you are throwing them a surprise party, blindfold them, and lead them into a room that is actually that spaceship from Interstellar that gets trapped in an alternate time dimension for hundreds of years

 

  • Ban parents on Facebook

 

  • And Twitter

 

  • Sorry, Mom

 

  • Get Netflix/Hulu to reboot the Equal Rights Amendment, which has been cancelled for a while but still has a pretty big fanbase. We are more than willing to trade it for the Hyde Amendment, which has been on the air for far too long already.

 

  • Mandate that judges and other legal authorities must wear voluminous wigs for all court proceedings

 

  • Bring back the McRib

 

  • And also all of the provisions of the Voting Rights Act that were gutted back in 2013

 

 

  • I mean like, how the hell does Fuller House exist, but there’s no new Star Trek show???

 

  • Restore balance to our country and the internet by commissioning Sonic the Hedgehog versions of all 2016 presidential candidates

 

  • Revive the Great Silver Windbreaker Aesthetic of 1999

 

  • Send Arrested Development Season 4 back to whatever purgatory ideas live in before they are realized in exchange for another 5 years of Cat Fancy

 

  • Make safe, legal abortion the law of the land

 

  • Regulate steampunk

 

  • Make corporations spend centuries painfully fighting for their rights and security before kind of half-assing your legislative authority to enforce and protect those rights, rather than forcing millions of actually human Americans to endure that kind of violence, indignity and suffering

 

  • Deport grackles

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!