We return now to POME’s deep dive into the world of Sports. We’re learning about Sports, slowly but surely, and we have come to share our findings with you, dear reader! And so I welcome you back to “What’s Wrong With Your Date Based on His Fave Hockey Team” — a fun listicle in which I judge the tastes of all those trashboys you date/have dated.
You know the drill: you’re on a first date, he mentions haackey, and from that point on, there are a few ways it could go. Some teams are the exclusive domain of pure sweet boys, and some teams are full of cops — the one he chooses will say a lot. So, this listicle is here to help you decide: is there going to be a second date or is it time to leave it all out on the ice?
There are So Many hockey teams in the NHL, and they cannot be contained by a single listicle. We’re wrapping up the Eastern Conference today with a close look at the Metropolitan Division.
Carolina Hurricanes
There’s a very real chance that this guy is either an elementary school teacher or a professional camp counselor. He is patient and kind, and maybe a little simple. It’s possible that his life had been a bit messy in the past, but he’s grown so much in just the last year and he’s on the right path now. You could definitely consider going down that path with him.
Columbus Blue Jackets
Everyone has some kind of laundry list of Things They Look For In A Partner — kind, funny, smart, etc. If “Integrity” is on your list, walk away now. I know that it’s not the 90s anymore, and selling out is the only way to really make ends meet under late-stage capitalism, but being confronted with this reality still rankles. Don’t think he won’t sell you out too.
New Jersey Devils
This boy is honestly just in a very good place right now. He’s had a couple of windfalls recently and the future is looking very promising!! In general, he likes to keep his expectations of the world pretty low — he doesn’t need much to be happy, and he is overjoyed any time something good does come his way. So many good things have come his way lately, and you could be one of them.
New York Islanders
This boy just started therapy and he! is! loving it! He had no idea how much his everyday life could improve by just talking to someone about his feelings! He’s been trying to create an environment of love and support in his life, and he’s hoping that you can be a part of it!
New York Rangers
You might hear this boy describe himself as a “maximalist” — he is all about excess, but he may or may not actually have the resources to support that lifestyle. On this date, he will spend a lot of time telling you about the celebrities he has met or seen; he will show you his instagram and walk you through the steps of following him right now, while he watches. Afterwards, he will completely ghost you until he tries to connect via LinkedIn like 8 months later.
Philadelphia Flyers
This guy is an active member of the local DSA chapter, but he still loves a good game of Edward 40-hands; a drunkenly violent memelord, and yet a surprisingly responsible babysitter; a mess of contradictions, but a good time.
Pittsburgh Penguins
He has his phone out and is splitting the bill exactly down the middle, with tip calculated to precisely 15%. He is aggressively pedantic, and if you pursue a relationship with him, all of your lovemaking will be scheduled on his color-coded calendar. He cannot grow a good moustache, but god damn if he doesn’t keep trying.
Washington Capitals
The Mom Friend if your mom loves to party — very nurturing but also a bigtime day drinker. He worked for SO LONG to get to a point where he can coast, and he means to enjoy it. You’re welcome to coast with him.
I have to say: if you’re just getting into hockey because of Fellow Worker Gritty — that is 100% valid. We love Gritty. We love the Flyers because of Gritty (and also because of certified Hot Dad™ Claude Giroux). There are all sorts of reasons why people get into this dumb sport, so really the reasons your date gives when he talks about his team are more important than the team itself. Is he yammering about how Friendship doesn’t win cups, or is he openly weeping while he tries to explain the ineffable bond between Nolan Patrick and Travis Konecny? Honestly, if it’s the latter, I think you’ve found yourself a keeper.
Be sure to join us next week when we head out to the Western Conference to learn all about the good boys of the Pacific Division! And don’t forget to pop on over to our Patreon to find out who we picked to be the Best Boy Beefcake of the Metro!
P.S. Again, if you like hockey and also friendship, witchcraft, ~the signs~, and beautiful women, consider some further reading (or actually listening; bc they’re podcasts):
