Welcome to the final installment of POME’s deep dive into the world of Sports. We have learned about Sports and now we can rest. And so I welcome you back to “What’s Wrong With Your Date Based on His Fave Hockey Team”—a fun listicle in which I judge the tastes of all those trashboys you date/have dated.
You know the drill: you’re on a first date, he mentions haackey, and from that point on, there are a few ways it could go. Some teams are the exclusive domain of labradors who live to love, and some are just a zoo of sad and poorly-kept jungle cats—the one he chooses will say a lot. So, this listicle is here to help you decide: is anything getting past the crease or is it time to trade him?
There are So Many hockey teams in the NHL, and they cannot be contained by a single listicle. We’re wrapping up the Western Conference, and indeed the whole league, with this examination of the Central Division.
Chicago Blackhawks
This guy is willing to forgive a lot. He has somehow convinced himself that it’s ok to root for a team with a racist mascot in this, the year of our dark lord 2019, and he will stand by every bad decision he or anyone else (you included!) ever makes. He’s very stubborn and a bit of an enabler — you know your limits better than I do, but tread lightly.
Colorado Avalanche
To look at him, you might think that this is just another one of your standard granola-munching, bouldering enthusiasts, but while this boy does appreciate the outdoors, he also has a taste for some of the finer things in life. He will take you to sweeping vistas and also to fancy restaurants. The first time you go to his apartment, you will be surprised by how clean and well-appointed it is. And on top of all of this, he is also very sweet. He’s genuinely a real keeper.
Dallas Stars
If anyone is going to bring the party places where the party maybe shouldn’t be, it’s this guy. Tuesday night Applebee’s — he brings the party; Sunday morning farmer’s market — party; your grandmother’s wake — (whispering) party. Upbeat and surprisingly devoted, he’s a great time if you can rein him in a little. Note: he does have a very hot friend who goes everywhere with him and who would probably be into a threesome if you are. Make of that what you will.
Minnesota Wild
This guy is low-key pretty great. He’s very thoughtful, but in a super subtle and unobtrusive way. He cares a lot about the environment, actually, but he’s not going to judge you for using single-use plastics because he understands that consumer behavior is nothing compared to the corporate abuses of our Earth. However, when you get home from this date, you will have fully forgotten everything about him.
Nashville Predators
He dumped his last girlfriend a few months ago, and she was so hot (and also so fun and so nice); but he was a coward and he pushed her away. He is still a coward. He will be drawn to you, and to how great you are, but he will not commit to you. This might be fine if he actually had something to offer in the short term, but he does not.
St. Louis Blues
This guy’s idea of a good time is a nice cookout by the pool; he’s going to drink three beers and fall asleep in a lawn chair; if you draw a dick in sunscreen on his chest, he will probably think it’s a hilarious prank and he won’t be mad. He’s pretty affable, but he’s also surprisingly competent. He’ll tell you about his recent successes in a way that is straightforward and confident without being douchey. It’s a fine line to walk, and for the time being he’s pulling it off.
Winnipeg Jets
This guy’s life is full of missed opportunities, and as a result he is pretty boring and also forgettable. But it also doesn’t help that he is just willfully ignorant of all things fun. He’s not going to get your jokes or your references, and No, he doesn’t know the words to The Jet Song from West Side Story — what is that?
BONUS
Debuting in the 2021-22 Season
Seattle Sockeyes
Agreeing to go out with this guy was a Bold Choice. He is Very Handsome, and he somehow managed to NOT seem like a creep when he walked up to you on the street and asked you out. BUT! you know nothing! about! him! (except that he smells like fir trees and the restaurant he picked is very well reviewed). I want to believe that he’ll turn out to be a real keeper, but I genuinely have no clue.
What a journey we’ve been on together! Hockey is a great sport, full of beefcakes onto whom you can project all sorts of soft jock, Channing Tatum fantasies. The NHL itself is Not Great (about concussions or about allowing violent misogynists to continue playing for them), and there ARE a lot of shitty men who cannot abide joy; and also probably a lot of these players are Too Rich to have hearts. But, that’s why we project. It’s all about emotional truths for you to keep in your heart. That’s what Sports are — right?
In any case, I hope all of the “research” I’ve been doing on this subject in the time since One Direction broke up serves you well out in the world of Conversations with Men. BUT! even (and maybe especially) if you never plan to discuss hockey with a man, it might be worth getting into! Just for yourself!
Don’t forget to pop on over to our Patreon to find out who we picked to be the Best Boy Beefcake of the Central Division! And, as always, if you like hockey (and also friendship, witchcraft, ~the signs~, and beautiful women), definitely check out the following podcasts: