In this stunning departure from our usual content, we are diving into the world of Sports. We know about Sports. Sure we do! We heard Brittney’s advice from 2016, and we learned! And so I welcome you to “What’s Wrong With Your Date Based on His Fave Hockey Team” — a fun listicle in which I do not even come close to using my degree for something! BUT! That doesn’t mean that I am not immensely qualified to judge the tastes of all those trashboys you date/have dated.
I mean, I’m sure we’ve all been there: you’re on a first date and you get to talking about books; he mentions how he’s never read a book in his life, and you think he’s cute enough that you can let that slide. And so, you pivot. You ask about sports, he mentions haackey, and from that point on, there are a few ways it could go.
Some teams are full of good boys who are trying their best, and some teams just want to fight — the one he chooses will say a lot. So, this listicle is here to help you decide: is there going to be a second date or is it time to [insert hockey joke]?
There are So Many hockey teams in the NHL, and they cannot be contained by a single listicle. So, we begin this segment in the Eastern Conference, starting with the Atlantic Division.
Boston Bruins
He will never admit when he is wrong. Anyone with primary loyalty to a Boston sports team is too stubborn and too cowardly to ever really open up to you emotionally. This isn’t going to be anything serious and it isn’t going to make it past your first fight.
Buffalo Sabres
This boy will suck your soul from your body, and not in a good way. He will never heed a warning sign; he will always press on, even in the face of OBVIOUSLY Bad Omens. A bird will crash into the window of your first date spot, and he will pretend like it’s no big deal. Get out before his curse spreads to you.
Detroit Red Wings
Look: I have a good feeling about this guy. He was definitely one of those “gifted children” for whom doing well in school came very naturally, but the real world has forced him to come to terms with the fact that he’s actually pretty average. He’s humble now, in a way that he wasn’t in the past, and he’s eager to please! He could be alright.
Florida Panthers
This guy loves Ariana Grande. This is all you know about him. Genuinely, he loves her music, but also he respects her as a businesswoman. Of any hockey fan you go out with, this one is most likely to be a furry. He has season passes to Disney World, and he wants to take you. He is absolutely surreal and in three weeks there will only be pink faux fur crop coats where memories of him used to be.
Montreal Canadiens
This boy just keeps making bad decisions — he thinks he knows what he wants, but he doesn’t. He broke up with someone FOUR YEARS AGO, and he hasn’t been the same since. Do not let yourself get close to him; he will break your heart. You cannot fix him.
Ottawa Senators
This boy is here to use and abuse your emotional labor (and nothing else). You may go on a series of outings that are not expressly defined as dates, but which are also not Not dates, and he will complain about his life the entire time. Venting can definitely be a healthy part of self-expression, but only when it is a part — he’s not about to give you a chance to vent and also he will not put out.
Tampa Bay Lightning
This guy seems very cool, very successful; he’s got a lot of confidence and with good reason — he is a very competent individual. However! He is a little lacking in the stamina department, if you know what I mean. Not to get too 2009 on you, but he’s very sensitive, and some would call that a plus. He crosses that finish line a little too early, if you catch my drift. Premature ejaculation.
Toronto Maple Leafs
The definition of clingy, this is a guy who sends “good morning :)” texts. He’s attentive, but to a fault — like, maybe it’s sweet at first, but it can turn controlling all too quickly. I would avoid, but really it’s up to you; just, know what you’re getting into.
Hockey is fun, actually! But, all joking aside, of course the way he talks about his team is more important than the team itself. Is he talking about numbers and winning, or is he looking off into the middle distance, eyes filling with tears, trying to explain to you just how much these boys love and support each other? Honestly, if it’s the latter, I think you’ve found yourself a keeper.
Make sure you come back next week to hear all about the boys of the Metro, and pop on over to our Patreon to find out who we picked to be the Best Boy Beefcake of the Atlantic!
P.S. If you like hockey (and also friendship, witchcraft, ~the signs~, and beautiful women), or if you like all of those things and are also ok with the idea of getting into hockey, might I recommend the following podcasts:
They have taught me everything I know.