You know what they say: behind every ethereal, anthropomorphic maw of pure energy is a stronger ethereal, anthropomorphic maw of pure energy. Few can stand in perpetual isolation, like a lone willow overlooking the sea. This search for companionship spans the entire breadth of human history. Sadly, destiny rarely deigns that two beings can truly build a shared future, growing together in the earth until the time comes to wither and fall to dust. But regardless of practicality, humanity’s love for love burns eternal, steady and certain as the changing of seasons or the inevitability that at least one episode of Law and Order is currently running on a cable channel, no matter what time it is.
The stars aligned with our SEO purposes, and thus, the admonitions below were pulled from the stars to guide you from a budding courtship to a shared tomb your restless souls can haunt together until the end of time. Search for these 7 omens before binding another to your side until you are both decomposing in the earth.
1 – Trust
As your bond grows, you start to express your feelings through trivial sentimentality. You have retrieved your still-beating heart from beneath the roots of an aged elm tree and returned it to its original vulnerable position within your breast. Also, you start feeling like making things Facebook official.
2 – Safety
Your chosen companion completed the traditional twelve-year journey through a hostile tundra as a test of bravery and worthiness and in return, you have trusted this individual to whisper your true name like a prayer at the first breath of spring and the last sigh of a harvest moon.
3 – The Future
As you cast dried bones upon the earth, the stars above your head unite in a constellation of your beloved’s face, blinking in and out like a celestial blingee.
4 – Attraction
Even though your feeble-minded beloved’s subconscious bends to your will through your slightest telepathic suggestions, you feel compelled to rise above using charismatic witchcraft to get them to throw out their goddamned avocados once they start to mold.
5 – Communication
Your bond with your beloved is an open tome and your feelings and trepidations form the words upon the page. That said, when your beloved inquires about the exact date and cause of their inevitable death, you keep that shit to yourself. Sometimes the things we say are as important as the things we don’t.
6 – Friendship
When invited to gatherings, your beloved makes an effort to appeal to your entire coven for benevolent protection, rather than making things awkward by hanging around your side for the entire ritualistic sacrifice.
7 – Parting
When contemplating a time when you and your beloved no longer walk the path of life hand-in-hand, you may feel the depths of sorrow like the turning of a cold and waning moon. However, you also know that your heart will carry them always. The indentations formed by love and pain solidify within you, enriching your wisdom and power. Also, at your courtship’s end, you resist the urge to transfigure your former beloved’s hands into twin bananas that will eventually grow soft, ripe, and brown.
May the celestial coven of Hecate, Flemmeth, Ultimecia, and 90s Computer Witch safeguard your bond for the length of your pathetic mortal existence (or until you sacrifice your beloved’s heart to grant you eternal life. Really, whichever comes first).