Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Like the entire cast this episode, we’re cursed to suffer in DOCTOR CERBERUS’S HOUSE OF HORRORS. Inside, we find: secret societies, The Stars, and men with long, unkempt fingernails — all things that you absolutely should not trust. Delete Golden Thread from your phone, exorcise your spoopy aunt, and settle in for some more Sabrina nonsense.
Jenny: ok so this was my favorite episode ever
CC: lol omg
Rachel: love the rocky horror font
Jenny: v into it
CC: ok so in the interest of full disclosure
it was my least favorite yet
I’m so sorry
i’m just very easily stressed! and very freaked out by body horror!!!!
Jenny: totally fair!
there was entirely too much body horror!
Rachel: it really caught me by surprise!
Jenny: but! i really enjoyed that it was more or less removed from the actual plot, and that it was just a real deep dive into all of the various characters’ emotional states
def def
i did not see something like this coming
CC: did yall know that it was Our Girl from the start tho???? I called it and was v validated when we got the big reveal
although probably too validated bc I hear it was very obvious
Jenny: i did not know
but! i am very easily mislead!
CC: HAH
Rachel: i didn’t know either!
CC: back to feeling validated! high fives all around!!
Rachel: i know Something was up obvs but did not immediately point my finger at Wardwell
honestly I figured it was a Blackwell scheme
CC: I like that Wardwell just generally gave Theo good advice
messing with everybody but when it comes to theo, is she like, oh he’s a good kid
ur a good egg, let me tell you something: never steal [from witches]
Jenny: def! i feel like that’s been p consistent throughout the show — like w the Orlando rec and then the basketball team and now this
i think Wardwell just actually likes Theo and wants to see him grow up well
CC: unexpected wholesome content
Jenny: THAT MOMENT THOUGH
Jenny: has me back on my S1 bullshit of — I do not trust that ghost
that’s a fake ghost here to start shit
Rachel: i haven’t ever trusted Dorothea!!!
i am waiting to find out what the Deal is with her
CC: I think like, in this ep, she seemed out of character, which i guess is bc it’s wardwell telling the story??? but also she’s a shady ghost and ghosts aren’t real so what’s her Angle, I wonder
Rachel: she has 100% been very shady since the beginning
but i don’t know, maybe i just don’t trust ghosts
Jenny: GET OUT OF HERE GHOST
Jenny: ok ok but for real
the premise of this ep
the weather conveniently scares off all customers except our main cast
dr. c and our girl hilds think they might have the place to themselves
Jenny: a cute moment
CC: good for them, honestly
Jenny: a cute moment that is spoiled by a polite old woman who offers to read tarot cards in exchange for “sampling their fine wares” (presumably coffee, but it’s never really specified whether or not she orders anything?)
but in any case, our main cast comes in one by one to have their fortunes read and each vignette is a fun little horror story
CC: see – SEE – how is everybody so onboard for these tarot readings
CC: my mom was always trying to read people’s’ tarot cards in public and it was so awkward for all involved
let me tell you: strangers at coffee shops did NOT take her up on it
Jenny: LOL
CC: this has been: A Very Awkward Personal Story With CC
which is WHAT HAPPENS when people ask strangers if they want their cards read at a coffee shop!!!
Jenny: i think that’s one of the things about Greendale, right — where it always feels like halloween and it’s Not Weird when someone offers to read your tarot cards in public
CC: ya – maybe it’s different if you live in a Witch Town
Jenny: i think it helped that she had Hilda funneling people towards her
CC: yeah hilda was so here for this
Jenny: like, she wasn’t going up and asking (except w roz) — she had hilda send them their way
hilda loves a bit of fun!
Rachel: also it’s at a v spooky coffee shop
where i feel like a tarot reader would make sense
probs not the first time a tarot reader has set up shop
CC: true, true
Jenny: oh i believe it
Rachel: but also like 85% of women my age, i am also interested in the tarot and i found her to be v bold to just offer up her services, and also her readings were INTENSE
CC: as moderate to intermedia tarot readers, how accurately would you say the individual cards were characterized in the ep?
bc even a noob like me knows that the death card isn’t actually DEATH
Rachel: she took some liberties IMO
death upright is a good card!
it’s about metamorphosis!
Jenny: lol yeah i think when rachel and i first talked about this ep, we kind of came to the conclusion that RAS hasn’t ever done research in his life
so why start now
Rachel: at least he’s consistent
Jenny: exactly
Rachel: but it is SO easy to google tarot shit
RAS, i have some resources i can send your way
please hire me as a tarot consultant
CC: look, when an experienced “warlock” is shaking with fear about the death card
when every millennial woman knows it’s nbd
look
LOOK
Jenny: men are dumb, actually
CC: LOL
Jenny: i’m ok going on record w that take
warlocks rights are nothing
CC: one thing I thought all throughout this episode is
every person’s reaction to their reading is how I feel EVERY DAY on Golden Thread
Jenny: lol yeah i have not done a reading for myself in years bc every time i do it’s just like: what the fuck are you doing with your life — you’re wasting your potential and we, the universe/stars/cards, are so disappointed in you
Rachel: CC i love that before us, you were not into this supernatural bullshit
now here you are, checking your daily tarot and believing in The Stars
we have corrupted you
Jenny: i’m so proud of us
Rachel: wouldest thou like to live deliciously??
Jenny: praise satan
CC: LOOK i stopped checking my tarot
i’m only dipping my toes into The Stars
and what I am finding is THEY ARE AS RUDE AS I THOUGHT THEY’D BE
Rachel: well i think everybody on this show would agree with you
everybody had a real spooky reading
Jenny: it’s true — they’re real dicks
CC: wanna take it reading by reading??
i howled with laughter when Nick said he was gonna do closeup magic
ngl
Jenny: it felt v fitting
heinously cheesy
dumb as shit
two great qualities to look for in your potential new bf
CC: ok look stage magic is the most warlock thing i could imagine nick doing
also “spellbinding scratch” sounds like a disease
I’m sorry!
Jenny: lolol
like a hickey from kenickie
CC: EW
LOL
gross
get that outta here
Rachel: love a good Grease ref lol
Jenny: it was for you
Rachel: but yeah i think with seeing Sabrina frozen and floating in the atmosphere
that was when i felt “hmmm something is NOT right about this episode” lol
i’m onto you show
CC: I think it was that frozen sabrina CGI
Jenny: they have the budget for that but not for a convincing goat man costume??
but really — i think the biggest thing for me in the sabrina reading is that i think i might not actually like sabrina very much, as a character
like 1)
Jenny: “what else are you lying to me about”
this is a real fucked up thing to say
esp after you told him you understood why he did that and his motivations were brave, actually
CC: I’m glad you brought this up bc I am worried I wasn’t paying enough attention during the last episode but –
I feel like him lying about killing amalia did kinda suck? mostly bc it put Sabrina in the position of needing to kill her herself??? idk????? again, I might have been not paying enough attention
idk maybe it couldn’t have been helped at all
I know Nick is the one suffering the most from that fallout from that decision
I feel like Sabrina wouldn’t have been angry at Nick for not killing her – and it was weirder to kill some other wolf and be like “oh we’re good now it’s fine”
Jenny: it did suck (though I maintain that sabrina could have withdrawn from that situation and let nick sort his own shit out; she did not have to kill the only family he had), but mostly you can’t say that you’ve forgiven something when you haven’t
mostly mostly i just don’t love when they introduce and kill off a character within a single episode
Rachel: YES
i agree
it was very inconsistently done of sabrina
“it’s totally fine, i understand and see why you lied”
“HOW DARE YOU”
no girl
Jenny: it makes it really hard to figure out how important they are, as characters, and what their deaths mean
CC: oh yeah that’s fair
Jenny: but also!
2)
Jenny: you flirt with the whole academy
you’re an equal opportunity flirt
Fuck You, Sabrina
that is also a fucked up thing to say!
CC: look, I’ve read enough shoujo manga to know
it’s real hard to be the girlfriend of the school’s #1 most crushable hottie
CC: like: he’s the guy from Ouran!!!
Rachel: this would have been a good moment to lean into the pansexuality of most of the school!
like, not just ladies
Jenny: truly
Rachel: anybody into hot dudes is here
everybody is thirst at the arcane academy
Jenny: you know what i actually want though
i want an ouran remake w this cast at witch school
CC: YES
Jenny: witch school ouran
CC: 100% 100% 100%
YES
PLEASE
kiss kiss kill a goat
Jenny: RAS/Netflix — if you’re listening
this is what the market demands
LOL
CC: I was so glad this episode was just a story and not “canon” bc I was really upset about the way the weird sisters (wyrd sisters??? lol) were behaving
like: aside from Thirsty Dorcas, I thought they were cool now!!!
smashing down the warlock patriarchy!!!
Jenny: yeah there was def a lot of weirdness there
CC: I thought it was just gonna be Riverdale character writing all over again
Rachel: speaking of, let’s dive into some of the other tarot readings
Jenny: yeah next us was theo
Jenny: who, for some reason
thought that if he asked the spellmans for magical assistance w his transition they might say no??
like??
have you met hilda??
she would LOVE TO HELP
CC: yeah she is here for it! champion bubbler!
Jenny: CHAMPION BUBBLER
the idea that hilda might not help theo, whom she adores, is not a solid argument in favor of stealing from witches!
CC: no one should ever steal from witches
Jenny: it’s true
CC: that is literally the world’s worst idea
there is actually no worse idea
in the history of all humanity
nobody has ever been like, yeah, i stole from a witch, it was fine and totally worked out
definitely I am not at the very least traumatized for life
from seeing a witch turn my brother into a cookie and eat him in front of me
etc
that kind of thing
DON’T STEAL FROM WITCHES
Jenny: that is def one thing that i honestly LOVED abou this ep
like there was the whole — don’t steal from witches bc it will not work out
but there was also the — witches eat babies to absorb their youth
Jenny: which, i loved
really leaning in to traditional witch lore
and i’m v into it
Rachel: omg also i hope this one isn’t true, but we can come back to Zelda
CC: lol for real – i mean SPEAKING OF, yeah zelda maybe you should still pop by to check on that baby
Jenny: ah yes my b — jumping ahead
next up was roz
this one i think fucked me up the most?
Rachel: this one sucked!!!
like, from a scary perspective
Jenny: felt v real
Rachel: it was horrifying!!!
CC: this one was the most Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark
Jenny: like, the monster was body horror but mostly it was patriarchy and organized religion?
Jenny: capitalism?
CC: I feel like the context didn’t feel well established enough to have an emotional impact???
like, I know roz’s dad is a very traditional minister with conservative views
but I guess he’s in charge of a sorta megachurch now???
Jenny: ex:
CC: LOL
Jenny: yeah that’s fair
i’m not really sure how it’s set up
but it definitely felt a little to real
CC: I guess like: I would not find it morally reprehensible to accept donations from a congregation for an eye surgery (if that was all it was)
but maybe that’s just bc the churches I went to as a kid normalized that kind of thing for me???
Jenny: but for the house and the car
CC: oh yeah that was too far
Jenny: no i see your point
i think the medical procedure thing feels normal
but it this is part of an established pattern of behavior
and the previous incidents were fucked up?
CC: but I feel like that’s really different from like, a surgery that is extremely expensive and could have a huge impact on your quality of life
Jenny: def
the part that mostly really got me was when she’s being attacked by the girl in the home
CC: how different is that from like, a gofundme???? idk; we live in a capitalist hellscape, etc
Jenny: and it’s just like — your father paid my father with the church’s money
and then they TOOK MY EYES
(v nic cage in moonstruck — I LOST MY HAND)
i think that it was a father to father transaction
like the father was selling his daughter’s eyes
that’s the part that really got me
too real too real
CC: yeah – same (on that part; the other stuff I was just nitpicking lol)
Jenny: no def
it is v much like crowdfunding
and we see that all the time for medical procedures bc america is collapsing around us
Rachel: the grossest crowdfunding
CC: love 2 live in hell in 2019!!!
Jenny: and so does zelda, apparently
CC: speaking of hell and also patriarchy: yall ready to get to zelda?
Jenny: agreeing to marry this asshole
Jenny: that’s a face that just says ‘punch me. punch me right in the mouth’
CC: ugh ugh ugh ugh
Rachel: ok let’s talk about the baby
zelda, GO CHECK ON THAT BABY
IMMEDIATELY
Jenny: no no no — she can’t go check on the baby
if that baby’s been eaten, then she’ll fall into this blackmailing trap
better to live w schrodinger’s baby
CC: or without
either way
Rachel: omg is that the lesson??
Jenny: as the case may be
i think it is?
CC: babies: they can exist, or not, regardless of whether or not you can see them
Jenny: i think the “some secrets are better kept secret” is at once a cop out from the writers to tie up this loose end and also a warning to zelda to not pick at that scab
CC: I thought it was a good moral!
like: you know you’re only marrying him for his pull with the church! you don’t love this long fingernailed cretin!!!
Jenny: yeah he does not deserve your honesty
CC: why are you even considering baring your soul to him? that’s some riverdale tier lazy writing
you know better grrl
a good moral to live by: don’t share secrets with people you don’t trust
especially if you’re just gonna poison them in their sleep anyway
Jenny: truly
we can only hope
speaking of people being poisoned in their sleep
i guess we have to talk about harvey
and his roommate
and all of this shit that i thought we were done with
Rachel: HAHAHAHAH
harvey’s roomate
I TOLD YOU HP LOVECRAFT WAS GONNA SHOW
Jenny: fucking
HOWARD
kill me
CC: look, i snoozed though most of this
Jenny: i mean riverdale s2 had that whole ep where jughead had to deliver a box of lovecraftian arcane horrors to the bad guys from the goonies
and then they didn’t do anything with it
so!
i thought we were done!
CC: OH WAIT
they were delivering them to greendale right????
i guess harvey’s in
new hampshire rn tho????
Jenny: rhode island
yeah there’s no connecting thread
i wish
Rachel: just the whimsy of the writers
Jenny: those fuckers
just like
stop it
CC: rolled my eyes so hard they almost fell outta my head
Rachel: i felt so validated
but maybe i shouldn’t – i don’t know that i like that i can so accurately get in these writers’ heads
Jenny: i think i need to somehow turn into me from middle school and then maybe i’ll get it
Rachel: it’s so easy
it’s sO EASY
well, let’s go right to Ambrose tho
poor dude
Jenny: yeah this one felt the most like actual plot
he went in riding high and then it’s all — your bf is dead and also you’re going to murder your entire family
harsh
rude
the worst part was that the fake little horror story was about him joining blackwell’s dumb secret society
and then he goes to blackwell in the normal timeline and finds out that luke his dead and blackwell is asking him to join that same dumb society!
and he’s not really in a position to say no!
terrible!
CC: if only toxic masculinity was just a scary story a crone told you about in exchange for free coffee
Jenny: what a world
CC: but also: one thing that made me HMMMMM
CC: HMMMMMM
okay dot jpg
Jenny: i mean — i cannot get into all of my frustrations w how the world has decided to respond to fight club
but i can say that i also screencapped that “made soft by women” line
and i named the file “sign me up”
bc for real
would love to spend 75 years under house arrest with hilda
CC: we should all be so lucky
Jenny: that’s maybe my final thought (if we’re there)
like, i want to be dr.c
i want to own a cool bookstore w a big occult section
Jenny: and it’s also a little coffee shop where crones stop by to read tarot cards
and also my beautiful and perfect wife, hilda, is there and she helps me run the store
what a dream
CC: speaking of hilda, here’s my final thought:
CC: THANK GOODNESS
Jenny: that felt so threatening tbh
CC: this episode felt like it was a thousand years long and I can’t bear to see hilda suffer
I’m glad it ended before we had a chance for that to happen
Jenny: def def def
CC: I doubt very much that wardwell is gonna break out her scooby doo old lady mask anytime soon
Jenny: yeah she has spared our girl hilds
CC: i’m down to procrastinate all hilda suffering until the day after the end of time
Jenny: very same
Rachel: ok so my final thought is — i wonder what hilda’s reading would have been!
like i hope that wardwell doesn’t have a reason to fuck things up for hilda
hilda is sheltering her from the rain!!
and i just want hilda to have good things only happen to her
CC: which card is :eggplant:
Jenny: yeah yeah yeah
i think hilda’s reading would’ve just been, like — you’re doing great, sweetie
worst case it would end up like theos
where it’s just like — i have some good advice for you
and it’s to keep doing what you’re doing
CC: i think hilda’s reading would have been: remember to stay hydrated
Rachel: also can you share a good bubbling potion
it’s time for hilda to teach wardwell something
Jenny: lol
would love to see that
i feel like s1 had some good wardwell-aunts hangout times
and i want more of that
Rachel: 100%
even if it means that someday it will blow wardwell’s cover lol
Jenny: yeah fair enough — friendship w hilda is worth the sacrifice
CC: more episodes where wardwell shows up at Dr C’s like
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL YES YES YES
all i want
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Featured image source: Sabrina the Teenage Witch
All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.