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Amazon Hell: Valentine’s Day

Goddamn it, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Hey coupled people out there: are you guys all squared away for next Sunday, or are you flipping out trying to find the perfect gift for your sweetheart? Obviously, trying to navigate an emotionally-laden romantic holiday can be an enormous bummer when you’re not in a relationship. As a single person, you might spend this holiday imagining that in future relationships, you and your partner will spend Valentine’s Day doing whichever activity you associate most with romance — making out, dining by candlelight, beekeeping, whatever. But keep in mind that coupled Valentine’s Days have their own drawbacks. Figuring out how high to set the bar for your present can be tough, especially if you’re not sure what stage your relationship is in. Let’s make this as easy as possible. This list of (mainly Prime-eligible, for you lazy a-holes) Amazon’s best Valentine’s Day offerings is also a handy guide to gift-giving by relationship seriousness.


Home and Miscellany

Misleading Gift Basket

Relationship level: Imminent divorce

Classy Shot Glasses

Relationship level: Morticia and Gomez-lite (they would definitely have full-on goblets made out of actual skulls)

A Giant Wall Mural of Everyone’s Favorite Alien Space Boyfriend

(There is also a slightly bigger version of this mural.)

Relationship level: Months away from first signs of creeping resentment about odious personal habits


Sassy Party Games

Is your relationship in a rut? Are you trying to ~spice things up~ this Valentine’s Day? Here are some suggestions that probably won’t help with that. Note: From this point on, some gift suggestions may be a little big risque. Please scroll carefully if you are concerned about potentially seeing a butt or two.

Let’s Try To Avoid Couples Therapy: The Board Game

Relationship level: Separate couches

Sex D&D

Relationship level: Married swingers at the Ren Faire

Excuse for a Breakup: The Board Game

Relationship level: Last kid just left for college


Apparel and Lingerie

Batman Tutu

Relationship level: Changing into your PJs together as soon as you get home from work

World’s Most Hideous Lingerie

Relationship level: Craigslist casual encounter with an alien or a robot

Leather Jackets for Handsome Nerds

Commander Shepard

Starlord

Finn / Poe 

Relationship level: DINKs

Comfortable Sweater for Any Occasion

Relationship level: Soulmates

World’s Most Perplexing Lingerie

Relationship level: Pooping with the door open


Jewelry and Accessories

MOTHERFUCKING???? CLOAK CLASPS????

Relationship level: Currently planning a Labyrinth-themed wedding

Boba Fett Cufflinks

Relationship level: Spending a lot of time at the dog park

Ostentatious Jewelry Omnitool

Relationship level: “Forgetting your wallet in the car” for the fourth time in a row

Shoe Necklace????

Relationship level: Passive acceptance of well-meaning but misguided behaviors

The Scorpion Ring

Relationship level: Exhausting yourself trying to look cool in front of someone you’ve only smooched three times and just introduced to your friends

Chill Utility Snake Necklace

Relationship level: Admiration, respect, fear, sleeping with the lights on


No matter where you are in the lifespan of your relationship, you probably don’t want the person you’re smooching to think that you’re just a disappointing scrub. By buying cheap, poorly-made products at the last minute from Internet Walmart, you’re channelling the true Spirit of Valentine’s Day to show your sweetie how much you care by doing as little work as possible. Fortunately for you, even if you get broken up with for giving your partner a dong-cradling leotard, you’ll always be able to come back to this list and drown your sorrows in gaudy snake jewelry.

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