Amazon Hell: Valentine’s Day

Goddamn it, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Hey coupled people out there: are you guys all squared away for next Sunday, or are you flipping out trying to find the perfect gift for your sweetheart? Obviously, trying to navigate an emotionally-laden romantic holiday can be an enormous bummer when you’re not in a relationship. As a single person, you might spend this holiday imagining that in future relationships, you and your partner will spend Valentine’s Day doing whichever activity you associate most with romance — making out, dining by candlelight, beekeeping, whatever. But keep in mind that coupled Valentine’s Days have their own drawbacks. Figuring out how high to set the bar for your present can be tough, especially if you’re not sure what stage your relationship is in. Let’s make this as easy as possible. This list of (mainly Prime-eligible, for you lazy a-holes) Amazon’s best Valentine’s Day offerings is also a handy guide to gift-giving by relationship seriousness.

 


 

 

Home and Miscellany

 

Misleading Gift Basket

01 sad basket

  • Why disappoint your partner with gas station candy/flowers when you can disappoint them with a basket from the internet instead?
  • Basically an Easter basket with a tiny little bottle of lube instead of Cadbury eggs.

Relationship level: Imminent divorce

 

Classy Shot Glasses

02 shotglasses

  • Spend this Valentine’s Day imbibing mood-altering poison from a crystalline replica of human remains.
  • A big step up from plastic, bargain bin post-Halloween skull shot glasses
  • Grim spectre of death adds mystery to any date night

Relationship level: Morticia and Gomez-lite (they would definitely have full-on goblets made out of actual skulls)

 

A Giant Wall Mural of Everyone’s Favorite Alien Space Boyfriend

03 garrus 1

(There is also a slightly bigger version of this mural.)

  • Perfect for newly-cohabitating couples
  • Downside: you will eventually want to murder everyone who says “Can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations” as soon as they walk into your home.
  • Upside: Pairs really nicely with this sultry Garrus throw pillow.

Relationship level: Months away from first signs of creeping resentment about odious personal habits

 

Present From Grandma That You’re Trying To Regift

04 roses

  • Unlike your love, these glass roses can never die
  • “It has a vase!! A clear glass vase!!! The clear glass vase is included in the price!!! What more could you heartless bastards want???” — whoever wrote this product description

Relationship level: Middle school relationship

 


 

Sassy Party Games

Is your relationship in a rut? Are you trying to ~spice things up~ this Valentine’s Day? Here are some suggestions that probably won’t help with that. Note: From this point on, some gift suggestions may be a little big risque. Please scroll carefully if you are concerned about potentially seeing a butt or two.

 

Let’s Try To Avoid Couples Therapy: The Board Game

05 board game

  • Two D20s away from being sex D&D
  • Make your love life as needlessly complicated as everything else you’ve got going on right now

Relationship level: Separate couches

 

Sex D&D
06 book

  • Learn how to do the sex with this informative guide
  • I want to know???? what the feats are?????
  • Pulling the “Book of Erotic Fantasy” off of your bookshelf is probably one of The Most Crone Things You Can Do.

Relationship level: Married swingers at the Ren Faire

 

Excuse for a Breakup: The Board Game

07 game 2

  • Seems like a good time if you really like bawdy puns
  • In spite of positive (yet defensive) product reviews, bringing a vehicle for vitriol like Monopoly into your bedroom seems like a bad idea

Relationship level: Last kid just left for college

 


 

Apparel and Lingerie

 

Batman Tutu

11 batman

Relationship level: Changing into your PJs together as soon as you get home from work

 

World’s Most Hideous Lingerie
09 terrible

  • Why

Relationship level: Craigslist casual encounter with an alien or a robot

 

Leather Jackets for Handsome Nerds

Commander Shepard

10 B

 

Starlord

10 A

Finn / Poe 

10 C

  • Tasteful-ish (in comparison to a lot of “novelty” pop culture-based apparel)
  • Perfect gift to give or receive if you’re a hot, affluent nerd

Relationship level: DINKs

 

Comfortable Sweater for Any Occasion

10 muscle

  • Toasty

Relationship level: Soulmates

 

World’s Most Perplexing Lingerie

body suit

  • If your boyfriend is the kind of person who wears cargo shorts all year round, this bodysuit is perfect for those cold summer nights
  • Dalmatian pattern option fuel for partner’s nightmare-fuel Dean cosplay needs

Relationship level: Pooping with the door open

 


 

Jewelry and Accessories

 

MOTHERFUCKING???? CLOAK CLASPS????

cloak clasp

  • What do you get the crone who has everything? A set of cloak clasps, naturally.

Relationship level: Currently planning a Labyrinth-themed wedding

 

Boba Fett Cufflinks

 

boba cuff links

 

  • Perfect for anyone who has to dress up enough to wear a tie on the regular, but works in an office that is cool with novelty tie clips
  • Compliments matching tie

Relationship level: Spending a lot of time at the dog park

 

Ostentatious Jewelry Omnitool

13 ring 2

  • Is it a ring?? Is it a bracelet??? Who cares!!!
  • Nothing says “I love you” like showy, difficult-to-wear costume jewelry

Relationship level: “Forgetting your wallet in the car” for the fourth time in a row

 

Shoe Necklace????

14 shoe jewelry

  • Keeps shoes from getting away

Relationship level: Passive acceptance of well-meaning but misguided behaviors

 

The Scorpion Ring

15 scorpion ring

  • Adds some razzle dazzle when flipping somebody off
  • Bedazzled arachnids on trend for 2016

Relationship level: Exhausting yourself trying to look cool in front of someone you’ve only smooched three times and just introduced to your friends

 

Chill Utility Snake Necklace

15 snack necklace and belt

  • Wear it as a necklace, a belt, a bracelet, or a tiara
  • A must-buy for any up-and-coming evil babe

Relationship level: Admiration, respect, fear, sleeping with the lights on

 

Renegade Interrupt Den of Snakes Necklace

15 snake necklace

  • Frighten men

Relationship level: Coexisting in benevolent misandry

 


 

No matter where you are in the lifespan of your relationship, you probably don’t want the person you’re smooching to think that you’re just a disappointing scrub. By buying cheap, poorly-made products at the last minute from Internet Walmart, you’re channelling the true Spirit of Valentine’s Day to show your sweetie how much you care by doing as little work as possible. Fortunately for you, even if you get broken up with for giving your partner a dong-cradling leotard, you’ll always be able to come back to this list and drown your sorrows in gaudy snake jewelry.

 

Carolynn Calabrese

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
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