Welcome back once again!!!! to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Join us as we kick off a whole new season of Riverdale Screaming as we shout about: Cheryl’s poolside velvet couch! FP Jones’s glasses!! Archery Cheryl avenging Riverdale’s greatest dog!!! Help yourself to two scoops of pure, undiluted Riverdale trash.
Rachel: well, we’re back
we’re back on this garbage show
with these garbage teens
CC: can you even believe
that cheryl blossom exists
cheryl blossom: unhinged with a bow
cheryl blossom: will absolutely murder you with arrows upon request
Rachel: she’s a loose cannon!!
turn in your gun and badge, cheryl!
CC: but she’s 2 weeks away from retirement graduation!
Jenny: and she doesn’t play by anyone’s rules but her own
Rachel: that’s SO true
her and Toni are the lesbian queens of Riverdale that we need
and ALSO that we deserve
for putting up with this show for so long
CC: treat yourself
2 the best part of this whole show
Rachel: so, I know we talked about this briefly irl but
y’all didn’t remember that Archie was going to the pokie??
Jenny: 1000% i did not remember that
CC: lol i forgot
Jenny: it’s so hard to care about archie’s storyline when cheryl is, like, right there
CC: Cheryl and her girlfriend on a velvet couch by the pool
what did we do to deserve
Jenny: oooh
can we talk about that pool party
at the burned out husk of thornehill
Rachel: so much #aesthetic!!!
just, everything
CC: I aspire to this every day
Jenny: i’m just so ready for them to really tie this all back in to sabrina
i read that the creators are keeping all their property rights, such that crossovers could happen
and i watching the new charmed remake, and i saw a commercial on cw.com for sabrina
CC: god I hope so
GOD
Jenny: i’m really convincing myself
this season for sure
she says
the same as last season
CC: ok guys let’s form a pact
a power of three pact
if charmed is better than riverdale
let’s jump ship
Jenny: i’m in
i’m so so so in
Rachel: oh yes 100%
no question
CC: the creators of jane the virgin doing some witchy bullshit is all I’ve ever needed in this garbage hell earth
uh anyway ur welcome for the free promo, The CW, but also please hurry up with this
Jenny: truly
in the meantime
i think we must work with what garbage we have
and i for one would like to acknowledge
they did a lot of playing to my interests w this pilot
Jenny: good shot of vegas
and finally a plot contrivance i care about
Rachel: LOL
CC: yeah I’d absolutely walk into enemy territory for my dog
or any dog, really
Rachel: def def def
also, the other thing that was 100% catered to us and this roundtable specifically
the dads are back together
Jenny: oh yes
the hot dad committee
that was a real boon
CC: the dads are back in towwwwwwn
I mean they never left BUT STILL
Rachel: this is the thing that’s keeping me going to the next episode
hot dads and hot dog
Jenny: all anyone could ever need
CC: ok so
there are three things that have happened to me recently that make me aware of how Not A Teen I am
1) all my riverdale ads are of heartwarming fathers doing chores competently??
2) I have sincerely thought the phrase “now we’re cooking with grease!”, without irony, several times over the last 3 weeks
and 3
FP Jones wearing glasses
Jenny: oh god i know
when he tucks them into his collar
Rachel: FP WEARING GLASSES
IS MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Jenny: it’s a great and also important look
CC: i’d say it Awakened something in me but a hot guy wearing glasses is and has always been My Type
it’s such a Look
SUCH a Look
my god
Rachel: I’ll never recover from all the good looks in this episode
also
why are these teens so SEXY
not wearing SHIRTS
WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS
CC: lol literally right behind Hot FP and his hot glasses:
CC: I was so distracted by the glasses the first time I totally missed shirtless archie L O L
Rachel: I also definitely thought he was getting like, a fake tattoo facepaint style
Jenny: i mean that is what it is
just, not in the context of the show
Rachel: hahahah fair!
Jenny: all i want to know
is how do i sign skeet ulrich up to work the face painting booth at the local county fair
CC: yeah like
I give this tattoo like
4 episodes’ worth of showing up in the show
Rachel: I will provide any eyewear he needs
I’d like to see the effect that different eyeglass styles have
for, you know, science
CC: +1
Jenny: just upload his picture into zenni
(now accepting sponsorships, zenni)
CC: Patreon Post y’all
Rachel: THAT’S NO JOKE
Jenny: yes
CC: Literally the patreon post is just gonna be FP’s zenni modelling tour
ur welcome, pomes
Rachel: so, maybe it’s time to talk about Polly
CC: oh no, polly
I had such high hopes for her!!!!
Jenny: god
Rachel: Polly, I believed in u
and u let us down
Jenny: honestly — the most effective way to ruin madchen amick for me
just make her an anti-vaxxer
fine
ugh
CC: noooooo
she’s smarter than this!
Rachel: although I will say
her hair looks great here
Jenny: that is true
Rachel: this cult is really doing good things for her hair
I like this new boho vibe
Jenny: def
i love these shawls
she looks great
and it’s all the more heartbreaking
CC: maybe she just joined a cult for the #looks
Jenny: i hope so
that would make me feel a little better
but also
this whole cult thing
really supports my sabrina crossover!!
i know i say this every time
but it’s happening!!
it’s all happening!!!
Rachel: I really can’t think of anything else here!!!
floating babies??!??
Jenny: floating babies and whatever that shit those nerds are going on about
ugh
CC: OMG that’s what he was saying???
I had the captions off so I totally thought he said “The Cardboard King”
100% no joke
Jenny: lolololol
closed captions are a godsend
CC: GOD I am so disappointed
Rachel: Poor Dilton ????
CC: the dangers of dnd, y’all
Jenny: i mean
idk
i’m still not convinced he WASN’T the black hood
Rachel: : O
please, the CW, I need the black hood storyline to be behind us forever
if one more episode is like BUT WHO WAS THE REAL BLACK HOOD
then I’m donzo
CC: literally no one cares
the black hood retired from embarrassment
Jenny: i mean yes
my point is mostly that dilton is a creep
i’m not sad he’s dead
is he dead?
he is, right?
who’s to say
Rachel: I think so?? I think his friend was tentatively alive
Jenny: all i know is jug’s not helping just out in the woods screaming for help
like, you have a cell phone, my dude
CC: like what year is it
aren’t yall TEENS
Rachel: they have access to suspenders but not cell coverage
Jenny: ALSO
re: what year is it
finally some answers
Rachel: SO THEY WERE SOPHOMORES THIS WHOLE TIME
that is impossible
they are NOT 15 year olds
Jenny: UNBELIEVABLE
CC: v extremely buffy
Rachel: this is the thing that has made me the most mad
out of anything else
these sexy young adults are not people who only started their journey through pubescence like 2 years ago
CC: I guess at least they hang out at a diner and not an adult nightclub
Jenny: i mean
not for long
after veronica turns pop’s into a speakeasy
Rachel: Cheryl is 15 and literally walking around in 6in heels and a bra
that’s so icky
CC: 15 and shooting men with arrows
Jenny: yes gross, but also she’s my hero
CC: god I didn’t even shoot one man with an arrow when I was 15
all I did was play the marimba
Rachel: never too young to shoot gross men with arrows
Jenny: i wish i had that confidence and that skill when i was 15
lol cc
that’s more skill than i had
CC: i just keep thinking about all the things I didn’t do as a teen!
never shooting bad guys with arrows!
never going down to the ol’ creek to make out with my hot boyfriend literally 4 feet from my best friend, who is also making out with HER hot boyfriend at the same exact time
so many things I never did
Rachel: not just making out but literally boning
I’m sorry I’m the prude parent here
CC: god that’s soooooooooo awkward
Rachel: I just can’t get over it
Jenny: absolutely no good
CC: LOL rachel you’re legitimately calling them out and I’m over here just like
L O L PARTY FOUL
HOOK EM
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: truly a garbage show
Rachel: 1000%
Jenny: and while we’re on the subject
of teen irresponsibility
Jenny: this car does not have side mirrors!
it is not road ready!
what the fuck
i love fred andrews, and i thought i could trust him to do at least this much
Rachel: did he ever even get his license??
Jenny: i don’t know!
they don’t say!
CC: I v much doubt it tbh
Jenny: but he sure did drive that tbird around a lot last season
not that that means anything
at least fred is there to punch hiram in the face
can’t teach his kid about road safety, but will punch this asshole who is mean to children
Rachel: it felt real good to watch him do that
also, to watch Ronnie deliver the final blow
“You don’t have a daughter anymore”
Jenny: def
Rachel: SO SAVAGE
CC: so
how are we feeling about hermione this season
Jenny: i mean, i’m pro
CC: I have a lot of complicated feelings but idk if I BUY that she’s doubled down on being a mob wife just to make sure that veronica isn’t “alone in this world” with hiram
Jenny: idk if that’s how i interpret what she’s doing
doubling down on mob-wifery
it seems like she’s trying to get some measure of power independent of hiram
like w the mayor stuff
and maybe she’ll be able to use that to take him down?
like, that’s sort of where i (want to) see this going
CC: I mean same
vindication of smithers
Rachel: I would love it to go that way
I don’t really buy it either though
like, she was Andre’s boss
she’s the one who sent him to pick up Archie and bring him to that secluded place
etc etc
Jenny: oh that’s right
how could i forget that shot
w her in that coat in the headlights of that car
dope as hell
Rachel: yeah! it was a good visual effect!
but that’s why I think she’s really a mob boss, and not just here for V
even if it was a good line
CC: maybe she’s just gonna take hiram down so she can be an even badder, scarier mob boss
Jenny: lol cc i hope so
i’d be good w that too
i have two quick points before final thoughts
but i don’t want to step on anyone
CC: oh man I thought I had a lot more thoughts but most of them are just “wow, fp’s glasses, wow, I mean; wow”
Jenny: that’s a really valuable thought
led to some great patreon content!
mostly, small thought 1: jug had a whole episode last season devoted to native american sensitivity training, but he still sucks
CC: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING
FFS JUG
Jenny: 2:
Jenny: idk what shit kevin’s getting up to
but i’m v interested in its getting way more screentime than any of this archie juvie bullshit
CC: I mean yes
also
what a bold move
Jenny: HONESTLY
Rachel: he was so confident and chill about it too!!!
Jenny: how are these teens so smooth???
Rachel: he has definitely been plotting this all summer
Jenny: bless him
a sweet boy
CC: see!!! another thing I never did as a teen!!!!
Jenny: now that’s a harlequin romance manga i’d like to read
CC: agreed
ok I have something I wanna discuss before we wrap things up
every time betty or anyone else
referred to Betty
as Jughead’s “serpent queen”
I wanted to die from secondhand embarrassment
Rachel: LOL
same!!
Jenny: TRULY
CC: THAT is the most extra teen nonsense I’ve ever heard in my life
that is some anime teen bullshit right there
just
stop
pls
Jenny: it’s horseshit
CC: A L S O ADHD medication does a lot of things but I am sure it does not make you hallucinate levitating babies
Jenny: maybe this edgar guy is drugging her
to make her go off the drugs
that sounds like some cw shit
CC: : |
they really did try to just segue into betty abusing prescription meds
like “oh this addiction subplot has always been here”
“not just within the one episode of the show I was allowed to watch before writing this episode”
Jenny: they definitely did try to pretend like they’d laid any groundwork at all
lolol
CC: I feel like betty’s idea about maybe
GOING TO A DOCTOR ABOUT getting a legit prescription is a good one
if this turns into a “mental health meds make you less of your real self” plot I’m gonna be so mad
Jenny: yes we explicitly do NOT endorse those plots on POME
[for any comics men who might be thinking about pitching]
CC: L O L
Rachel: bless u jenny
CC: a public service announcement, really
Jenny: are we good for final thoughts, do y’all think?
CC: I am if y’all are!
i am getting ze headache
Rachel: hahahah
i’m ready!
CC: my final thought was gonna be
“wow how the heck do these teens have TWO CUTE SWIMSUITS”
Jenny: LOL
CC: but then I realized the second swimming scene was just underwear
but my new final thought is
how do teens know how to find underwear this cute
Rachel: for real!! do they not just go to target like the rest of us??
CC: I thought I had a better screenshot of these abercrombie teens but oh well
Jenny: yeah man idk
maybe it’s the internet
CC: where do y’all shop?? am I too old to shop there also???
considering that all these actors are literally also just under 30???
Jenny: well
some of them are
CC: fair
Jenny: archie may still be a legit teen
probably not
i mean
time has passed
i guess that’s true of everyone
Rachel: maybe he can legally drink now
Jenny: idk idk idk
i hope so
CC: omg born in 1997 holy crap
an actual baby!!!!
Jenny: literal infant
float him above the fire
bc he’s a babby
Rachel: HAHAHA
Jenny: my final thought
is that i feel like i’m FINALLY GETTING SOME FUCKING ANSWERS AROUND HERE
Jenny: Quebec, you say??
so the options are:
maine, new hampshire, vermont, or the very northeast corner of upstate new york
i’m leaning towards ny
Rachel: that would make sense!
Jenny: i just
i need to know
they can’t just say “everytown, usa”
that’s so lazy and i can’t stand it
context is important, dammit
Rachel: we are that much closer to something definitive
but I think you’ve narrowed it down
Jenny: thank
at least we’re out of thinking it’s in, like, ohio or iowa or something
and no matter how many times they show the very literal rocky mountains in the definitely pacific northwest
it’s nice to have come textual evidence to contradict that
CC: I mean it could still be michigan. maybe those mountains are also in lake huron
a road right through the water
it’s not any more ridiculous than anything else in this show
Jenny: i mean
i thought about that
bc the shot of the church from the pilot is in michigan
but michigan buts up to ontario
i’ve gone too deep
CC: south side serpents are waterbenders = confirmed
Jenny: hell yes to definitely waterbenders
Rachel: hahaha
ok my final thought is
I’m mad that the CW denied us the romance origin story of Josie and Sweatpea!!
Jenny: yeah oh my god
what the fuck cw???
CC: GOD I KNOW
Jenny: that sounds both sweet and pea
so sweet and charming
CC: you show us THIS MUCH of archie’s 100% Not Gonna Go Anywhere fake murder trial
and 0% of this cute romance???
Jenny: they don’t understand the priorities of their viewership
Rachel: ugh i guess i shouldn’t be surprised
CC: can’t believe we got a BS archie dream sequence and not that
Jenny: god
i don’t give two figs for archie’s subconscious
why molly ringwald was like
you don’t deserve to be convicted of a murder you didn’t commit
i was just like
YEAH
fucking obviously, you dummy
CC: oh but it’s way less inconvenient for his parents if he GOES TO JAIL FOR YEARS
than deals with months of appeals
Jenny: that just makes so much sense
these damn kids and their short-term solutions
just
emancipate yourself and join a gang
fucking fine
Rachel: lol
If you thought we were kidding around about FP’s glasses, think again: POMEmag Patrons are invited to head on over to our Patreon to enjoy FP Jones’s Unofficial Zenni Shopping Spree. Full disclosure: Zenni is not paying us to endorse them; the intersection of economical eyewear and Hot Glasses Types is just very much Our Brand.
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.