Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Season 3 keeps on rolling along as tabletop games continue to corrupt Riverdale’s aged youths. Are FP and Alice in it for the long haul? Will Toni finally get some lines?? And, most importantly (to CC): IS JUGHEAD A GREY WARDEN NOW??? Get your best Riverdale Screaming voice ready bc it’s Roundtable Time.
Jenny: so this was so much
CC: G O D
YOU GUYS
it was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Jenny:
Jenny: riverdale has continued its trend of withholding all the footage i actually care about
no cheryl/toni roadtrip footage
no alice/fp foreplay footage
BUT at least we now know that there’s a jbean tattoo
p sweet
Rachel: it’s so cute!!
i am not pleased about this happening under the influence of the farm though
that puts a weird pall on it all
CC: yeah same!
does FP
KNOW
about her cursed witch therapist????
like, does he KNOW know???
Rachel: he said that he was glad the farm opened her up to the possibility of them as a couple???
also as into these two people getting it on as i am, if my mom was boning my boyfriend’s dad, i’d be real squigged out
CC: yeah 100%
also the show like
giving us an FP/alice cuddling scene and immediately shifting to a purposely similarly framed Jug/Betty scene???
uh h h h h
Jenny: yeah! super weird!
Rachel: yes betty
it is extremely weird to be boning in the bunker of a dead kid
Jenny: is it ghoulish?? YES
YES BETTY IT IS
CC: GHOUUUUULISH har har har
i see what u did there betty
Rachel: “ben’s death…. haunts me”
the lines in this episode were not great
Jenny: yeah look
even cold sprouts is getting sick of this writing
CC: ok there is something I am so so so so so so excited to talk about
even more, somehow, than FP/Alice, which admittedly had become a foregone conclusion at this point
I give you:
Jenny: oh my god i know
ethel knows how to set the mood!
CC: JUGHEAD JONES: GREY WARDEN ????????
Jenny: oh we went in very different directions with that
lol
Rachel: LOL
CC:
Rachel: that’s a deep cut but a good one
Jenny: noice
CC: LOOK
get ready
B U U U U T ok to start off: griffins and gargoyles??
GRIFFINS ????
EXCEPT: guess what the sigil of the grey wardens is
don’t guess
it’s griffins
lol
ALSO: drinking some shady blood that kills most people but leaves a chosen few alive but cursed?
GREY WARDENS
Jenny: ????
CC: thanks for validating me, riverdale
god bless
[weeping into a chalice of wine]
Jenny: this whole DnD thing IS getting to be a lot though
if i don’t see Queen Cheryl of the shadowkingdoms next ep i’m going to lose it
Rachel: i NEED that
CC: quick: what GnG character class are y’all
Jenny: what were the options? hellcaster, shining knight, something else?
CC: ooh
ok
hellcaster, arcane invoker, and radiant knight
all i’ve ever wanted to be my whole life was a radiant knight so o o o
Jenny: you go girl
Rachel: arcane invoker, 100%
Jenny: perf
fucking HELL yes
^^see what i did there???
CC: HA
HA HA
????????????????????????
this episode went so hard on gng I literally did a spit take during the episode
I can’t believe this is happening in the year of our lord 2018
when literally everyone I know other than me is in a dnd group or has been in one recently
(well, all but like, two people. literally: TWO people. what.)
Rachel: we’re just like riverdale high
everybody is doing it, CC
CC: y’all are over there getting corrupted and my radiant ass is over here avoiding moral peril
Jenny: speaking of moral peril
this is still happening
CC: what a mess lol
Rachel: although this is the purest i’ve ever seen reggie lol
“my mom will kill me!!!”
Jenny: it’s good to know that SOMEONE’S parents are around
being responsible
Rachel: the only one!!!!
CC: THERE are the parents
these parents
this parent
singular
Jenny: mrs. mantle and that’s it
CC: lol this speakeasy is so nuts
I 100% do not believe this is an actual sober bar
there is no way this many teens would go to a club with no booze
Jenny: oh but cc
CC: S U R E
K
[seen]
Jenny: i like that these writers felt they had to make it clear how non-alcoholic everything
is
like, after that fucking hotel room with the champagne in the s2 finale
i will never be over that
what hospitality worker
who would give teens champagne??
Rachel: irresponsible
where do y’all think Ronnie put that portrait of herself?
Jenny: hopefully she burned it and buried its ashes bc it is 1000% cursed
but actually by “cursed” i mean “bugged”
obvs
CC: where would YALL put a portrait of yourselves
Jenny: i mean, above a fireplace feels like its been done
same w attic
CC: 100% bathroom
Jenny: oooh bathroom yes
CC: a woman’s place is on the throne
Jenny: lolololol
Rachel: in the wall crawlspace
to be found by future residents
during renovations
CC: seconding that: I agree w crawlspace
or just, in the wall
plaster up that old horror for the ages
Rachel: hell yeah
CC: despite how implausible I think this entire speakeasy idea is, I did love how supportive cheryl was
Jenny: she really was good
Rachel: that was so cute!!
CC: GOD I KNOW
cheryl blossom: amazing & supportive friend????
Rachel: she’s come a long way
I blame Toni
Jenny: toni’s been good for her
speaking of friendship!
Jenny: the speakeasy/veronica taking steps towards her individual pursuits has been a great opportunity for people to support her!
Rachel: i’m so glad we got this glimpse of B & V together!
also I love Betty’s overalls
CC: we were just talking about how much we wanted to see these 2 being friends!
thanks, Riverdale Writers
Rachel: I knew they were listening
but also, if they’re listening, I have a request
I need this illegal fighting shit with Archie to be over as soon as possible
even if I am glad to have Joaquin back in the mix
CC: these premium top shelf boyfights
no good
Jenny: i totally called it though
CC: YEAH!!!
right on the money!
Jenny: but also these boys
“baby teeth”
“thumper”
“peter”
???
what kind of ridiculous names are these??
CC: baby teeth ????
Rachel: lol those names really got less and less creative
Jenny: i can see naming your kid after the lovable rabbit from bambi
but who even comes up with “peter”
(for real though — “baby teeth” is a gross-ass name)
CC: and even if these are their teen jail names
those are still hella weird names to use if you wanna intimidate somebody
although I’d never mess with a dude who goes by “baby teeth”
cross the street to avoid ol Baby Teeth
Jenny: i bet peter’s real name is, like, fangs or some shit; and his big prison persona is just being super normal
i’d so much rather watch that prison show
like, where all these angry teen boys just knit blankets for the state to give to orphans and then sit in a circle and acknowledge their own vulnerability
that’s the only “pit” i want to see
the open and honest conversation pit
but also
Jenny: archie does a good job and the warden just gives him fancy scotch
as if this isn’t a 16yo boy
i guess if you’ve broken one law, you’ve broken them all
Rachel: yeah it’s all down here from here
CC: love that archie has to THROW THE BOTTLE
can’t show his disdain any harder than that lol
second LOL: the kid who said “the only way we’re getting out of here is in a body bag”
YOU’RE IN JUVIE
Jenny: the whole prison everything is so so much
Rachel: these riverdale writers think they’re writing fucking law and order
Jenny: just — UGH
ok what else was terrible about this episode
there was this shit
Jenny: i am def still v peeved about this whole anti-science thing that’s happening
like, i get it, riverdale
Rachel: yeah that’s the worst
CC: that darn medication
Jenny: private prisons are bad; anti-vaxers are bad
we all know
we all KNOW
riverdale
you can’t write convincing dialogue for these characters bc you’re all so up your own asses about how woke you are
Rachel: i’m also real mad at madhen
it’s been a while since i had beef with her but
alice
do not tell!! the cult!!! about the man you murdered!!!!!!
Jenny: she’s not being a great mother rn
a dumb move
not smart
Rachel: like, i get it, you’re coping because your husband was a serial killer
that’s rough as heck
but you are putting your family at risk
and also the family of your new bf
so like, fucking chill!!!
Jenny: oh but rachel
don’t you know
Jenny: that for just 9 easy payments of 99.99, you too can attain
whatever it is they’re trying to sell ppl on
??
i honestly am not sure
floating baby witch powers???
CC: see
all this witchin is too tied to the patriarchy
what’s the point of even witchin if you’re still just gonna tie yourself to the patriarchy
Rachel: yeah!! this is what you were saying about Sabrina!
I 100% agree
also, their Dark Lord is not as scary as Sabrina’s
Jenny: (POMEs, keep an eye out for our upcoming HOT SABRINA CONTENT)
CC: their dark lord looks like the divorced dad of dark lords
CC: “uhhhh hey kids, you want to get some ice cream?”
“uhhh whoops sorry gotta get back to, uh, the office; this was fun, let’s do this dark magic again next month”
just another bad riverdad ????
Jenny: lol
yea
and poor ethel
convinced that he actually WANTED full custody
Jenny: so proud of herself for spreading the good word
of her demon dad
CC: i’d like to report an assassination: on ethel’s character
Rachel: my attachment to her as Barb is clouding my judgement for her as Ethel
Jenny: honestly same
i expected so much better from her
but leave anything in the hands of this writers room
they will destroy it
CC: also re: “you’ll never be worthy betty, no matter how hard you try”
Jenny: OUT HERE WITH THE SICK BURNS, ETHEL MUGS
CC: lol betty ya burnt
Jenny: i will say there were parts of this new ethel that i really liked
ex:
Jenny: shutting down this absolute horse shit
but, yeah only to go back on it later in the ep
but still
good while it lasted
and i mean
what a power play
CC: jesus christ ethel
I am v concerned for her!
so, one theory I heard is that maybe ethel is being possessed??? like, mind controlled by the gargoyle king?????
as dumb as that sounds, I also want ethel to be okay
Jenny: ethel’s being ok would really be the ideal situation
but i don’t super see it happening at this point
bc these writers are assholes who hate me, specifically
CC: well you know what
if jughead can be a grey warden literally anything can happen in this trashbag show
Jenny: lol fair point
are we ready for final thoughts?
CC: oh! I am!
Rachel: yeah!
CC: mine is:
my biggest disappointment so far has been the lack of lines and also kinda agency toni gets
I feel like the show is using her more as like, cheryl’s accessory???
Jenny:
CC: I think toni has been great for cheryl but I want to see cheryl being good for toni
Rachel: that’s a good point!
i love them and i want them to shine equally
Jenny: firmly same
CC: also to see toni do or say anything not related to cheryl or jug
toni’s a boss! give toni a plot arc u cowards!!!
Jenny: i actually have a two-part final thought that i think ties into this well
part 1)
YOU HAVE TO BE 18 TO SELL ALCOHOL IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK (which is, i think, where we decided riverdale is)
Jenny: she’s like 16!!
15-16yo have NO TASTE — they’re BAD BARTENDERS
Rachel: the folks at the white wyrm don’t give a fuckkk
Jenny: a fair point
but 2)
i spotted THIS JEWEL
Jenny: CALL NOW to Join Roller Derby!!
this is my proposed Toni Topaz arc
She is the captain of the roller derby team
and as good as cheryl would be at this sport
Rachel: aaaaAAAAAHHHH!!!!
CC: wowowowow
Jenny: she chooses to take a sideline and be Toni’s cheerleader bc she understands that it’s important to have separate pursuits
Rachel: @ the cw, hire jenny!!!
CC: PLEASE
Rachel: well, my final thought is that i
m bummed that two specific characters were absent this time around: Moose and Hermione
1 ) I gotta know what the deal with the RROTC is, and
2 ) Where is Hermione while her husband is off threatening their only daughter for shakedown money????
Jenny: yeah holy shit
def def def def def
Rachel: i don’t know what it’s gonna take for her to leave his ass
CC: WHERE ARE OUR BOYS
and also hermione
Jenny: i need hermione to be out there plotting
Rachel: she better be, honestly!!!
Need even MORE Riverdale Screaming in your life this week? Head on over to our Patreon tomorrow to see side conversations that didn’t make it into this post, one bad photoshop of Grey Warden Jughead, and an extremely Top Shelf Blingee.
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.