Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Today we’re recapping Riverdale Season 3 episodes 11 and 12: “The Red Dahlia” and “Bizarrodale.” Remember when B & V were best friends? When Hermione Lodge was “unequivocally good”? When Smithers was a mortal man (and not an undying elderly vampire)? While we remember all these things, Riverdale clearly does not, so we’re calling it here, y’all. Join us for another mad Sapphic caper in this most-likely-final Riverdale Roundtable.
Rachel: ok I hated these dumb episodes and I hate this dumb show
Jenny: literally as soon as jug started clicky clacking on that typewriter i was ready for death
Rachel: so this week we’re covering 2 episodes — one where the writers try to convince everybody that jug is super cool and at least as cool as the old timey private eye detectives
and the second one where we LOSE MOOSE
AND I HATE IT
Jenny: it’s no good
it’s all bad
CC: rivernope
I think it’s really interesting that so many of our predictions came true in that second episode alone tho
but we can talk about that later heh heh heh heh
first and foremost: the red dahlia
riverdale what r u doing
Rachel: they just discovered true crime podcasts and listened to an episode about the black dahlia
and were like DANG that’s a good name
Jenny: trying so hard to return to their shitty-twin-peaks-knockoff roots w this maple club
Jenny: but also like
sign me up
CC: so much penelope whiplash this episode
Jenny: (penelope is the red dahlia)
(even though she doesn’t get murdered/cut up)
CC: like, YES, BLAME THESE MEN but also at the end of the day my dude, you are still poisoning everybody and being a huge hypocritical homophobe so does anybody really win here???
Jenny: i mean yeah yeah def
i enjoyed penelope in the red dahlia but did not enjoy her in whatever the second one was called
CC: i enjoyed so much about the second episode but def not penelope
Jenny: bizzarodale
yeah i had kind of forgotten about her homophobia
but like, that’s definitely still there
Jenny: she’s definitely still doing this shit
CC: riverdale parents’ barometer for sin is just completely wacky
still looking at you, ALICE
Jenny: riverdale parents’ barometer for virtue is p wacky too tbh
yeah not a lot of alice in this ep, but it was nice to be reminded that she still has a job
(when it’s useful to the story)
CC: i miss Intrepid Lois Lane On A Bender Alice
way better than Cult Alice, imo
Jenny: truly
CC: so I think with the Red Dahlia episode, Riverdale has finally given up even pretending like Hermione has a moral compass
but every time she does some evil mob boss stuff I just picture Smithers in my head saying that she’s unequivocally good or w/e and roll my eyes forever
i guess Mount Heads On A Pike Smithers isn’t really the most trustworthy source for that tho
Jenny: def def. unequivocally good, my ass
ON THAT NOTE
Jenny: what the fuck is this???
was he in WWI????
how old is he??
an eternal being??
cursed to watch over hermione’s family for all eternity
CC: sucks that he got turned into a vampire as an old man ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Jenny: yeah that’s rough
but i guess i’m happy to see that he’s back?
not just loitering in bus stations?
is that what he was up to?
Rachel: i feel like he’s got some real stockholm syndrome though ????
CC: actual pic of the riverdale writers trying to figure out how to write anything that happened before 2017:
CC: WHAT YEAR WAS IT
WHO CARES
Smithers is 150 years old and still has his driver’s license and 1986 and 1993 were the same year with the same fashion & music; It Is Known
Jenny: i had wanted to save this screenshot for later, but it feels so appropriate rn:
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: me @ these writers
do you really expect us??
to believe this shit???
Rachel: man at this part in the second episode, when all the parents call their kids
and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS HAVING SEX
that was Too Much
Jenny: TOO MUCH
CC: once again, riverdale makes me really sit with all the shenanigans I didn’t get up to as a teen
Rachel: how do y’all feel about this Archie / Josie deal
CC: definitely a downgrade from sweet pea
Jenny: yeah i really wish she had just chosen to commit to sweet pea
i hate this
archie maybe could benefit from being single for a while
learn to love himself
CC: and sweet pea was basically just like
I Have Real Feelings For You, Please Stop Using Me, and also
Jenny: lol
he was v sweet about it
Rachel: poor sweatpea!!
i do not understand why she settled for Archie here
CC: yeah really
I guess archie sort of also
does
….music…..??????
Jenny: and he has a car
which really seemed like the thing
CC: counts for a lot when you’re a teen
Jenny: a car and free time
the most valuable currency in the teen social marketplace
Rachel: it sounds like sweatpea had wheels too!
she wanted to ask him to take her to her audition!
Jenny: yeah but he also had self respect
and that’s like, negative money
in the teen social marketplace
Rachel: god i hate teens
Jenny: truly
Rachel: there were so many times i just yelled at the TV
“STUPID”
“DUMB”
“I HATE THIS”
CC: LOL
SAME
Jenny: oh do you mean
CC: CRIME TOWN
GOD
Jenny: or possibly
CC: ok but I did yell LOL SAME when V said that
I DON’T CARE WHO DID THE MURDERS ANYMORE EITHER
WHO CARES
IT’S RIVERDALE
Jenny: they should rename it crime town though
let the people know what they’re in for
Riverdale: the town with crime
Rachel: it’s at least honest
also, we just don’t get scenes with The Gang anymore
we didn’t see B & V interact even once in two episodes
Jenny: it’s unbearable
CC: lol…..remember…..friendship
remember when V had a moral compass
Jenny: oh my god yeah
CC: remember when Reggie was a huge dummy who tried to prank archie by pretending to be the masked doofus who shot his dad
Jenny: and now she’s just out collecting blood money
CC: they….they grow up so fast….
Jenny: to be fair: reggie is still a huge dummy
Rachel: lol ok i did actually love that
OF COURSE that’s what Reggie thinks of
Jenny: i did too! but we didn’t actually get to see any of that happen!
i was mad about it!
Rachel: that was the best, most accurate character line that ever happened on this stupid show
CC: in like several episodes
Jenny: yes
Rachel: ok let’s talk about Moose
this is very important to me
Jenny: poor moose
Rachel: I know that the actor is leaving the show to go hopefully to a better place
i wish him well
but also
Kevin ????
Jenny: yeah
CC: well on the bright side, at least kevin now knows about Bumble ™: the official dating app choice of actual teens everywhere
Jenny: moose is gone; joaquin is dead; he’s running out of handsome love interests
i hope the writers take this opportunity to introduce a new hunk
CC: hard same
Jenny: but also!
what the fuck is this??
it’s still happening??
regular bumble?
not bumble teen?
CC: how many of Cheryl’s excellent outfits has Bumble paid for this season
is my question
Jenny: i don’t think we got any answers on the ethics of advertising adult dating apps to children!
i wish we could go back to simpler times: when this show was just an elaborate covergirl ad
Rachel: every other brand is off-brand in this show, EXCEPT bumble
CC: i really hope Faberge starts paying Riverdale for ad spots
love 2 see how the show would handle that
Jenny: get some of that FOUR seasons money
Rachel: oh, also
Toni and Cheryl’s first fight!
i actually thought that was really good
CC: good for them
Jenny: same; i was happy to see them have an issue that they worked through together
Rachel: also i was SO RIGHT
ABOUT THE GIRL GANG
CC: I KNOW
Jenny: you were on it
CC: we got Toni being autonomous AND a girl gang
I wanna stay mad at riverdale for all they have put us through
but i really appreciated those 2 things
Jenny: yes
Rachel: i didn’t like the name of their gang though
Jenny: yeah
there’s not history of “pretty poisons” in the larger universe to fall back on
CC: Pretty Poison is at least a super Teen name to give your gang ha ha ha ha
Jenny: it’s something these writers just made up and it shows
i’ll give it that for sure, cc
the writers have yet again stumbled into writing believable teens by just having bad taste themselves
CC: I mean, these teens are dumb but not often in corny teen ways, so dumb teen nonsense is something i appreciate from riverdale
accident or not
even though it is a TERRIBLE NAME
Jenny: yes
good in its terribleness
good in how corny it is
speaking of which
another thing i liked
Rachel: AHHH
this was SO CUTE
Jenny: this was v sweet
look at him giggling!
CC: i think these actors are hooking up; that’s my theory and i’m sticking to it
they have SO MUCH chemistry y’all
Rachel: i love this theory CC
CC: the way he looks at her!!!!!
messes!!! me!!!! up!!!!
Rachel: omg what does Tom Keller even DO now that he’s not sheriff??
CC: maybe he’s learning to paint
Jenny: i think fp hired him back as a deputy
(but it’s possible i made that up)
Rachel: is he just a Kept Man now??
Jenny: lol i like yours better
let’s go w that
Rachel: again, I want to believe
CC: all of these theories are good and we should just start writing riverdale from here on out
Rachel: now he works hard for Sierrra :smirk:
Jenny: lolololol
CC: i bet he does rachel
????
Jenny: speaking of fp though
CC: LOL
Jenny: big revelation
Jenny: he could never forgive!
the way hiram threatened jughead!
a protective father makes a bad decision by agreeing to work w the corrupt mayor!
needs his son to fix his problem!
this dummy!
my heart!
CC: i can’t believe anybody is still pretending like it’s a BAD thing hiram got shot
even veronica
what are we even doing here guys
I didn’t think it was a good idea for archie to try and finish the job or anything
but god
Jenny: that was p funny though
like, jesus kid
stop it
stop being like this
Jenny: trying to murder
picking fights w good union boys
stop it
CC: also like
of course fred andrews has a union crew
Jenny: he’s so good!
so pure!
CC: god bless fred andrews: the best thing in riverdale
the town’s primary goodness producer
Jenny: truly
i’d seize that means of production
Rachel: ????
CC: of course archie andrews doesn’t have solidarity with his fellow workers
Jenny: archie is a selfish dummy who doesn’t understand power structures or community
Rachel: all he knows is punching and playing his gee-tar
Jenny: lol yes
but also i wanted to bring us to this point
Jenny: where we find out that hermione was a bad parent the whole time
CC: LOL
just throw the whole parents out
Jenny: no one is surprised
except maybe smithers
keep fred but toss the rest
they’re useless
CC: well, i guess the keller/mccoy parents can stay too right??
Jenny: yes
i’ll allow it
before we wrap up w final thoughts, i wanted to touch on b & v
they haven’t interacted at all, and that sucks
but i feel like they are both on sort of, like, parallel spirals
losing sight of everything they thought they were
like betty
Jenny: out here (STILL DOING THIS DUMBASS SILENCE OF THE LAMBS SHIT)
losing all faith in her sense of justice
and veronica
CC: MOBSPLAIN god
Rachel: yeah yikes
Jenny: digging herself deeper and deeper into this business she wanted nothing to do with
(doing a p good robert deniro impression in this particular screenshot though)
Rachel: running a speakeasy is a gateway crime
Jenny: clearly
they’re not even pretending to serve mocktails anymore
CC: smdh
how can pop be cool with this
Jenny: YEAH
she’s treating pop like garbage and i hate it
CC: forget the parents; where are LITERALLY ANY ADULTS
Rachel: what is the teen to adult ratio in Crime Town
is the real problem that they are literally overrun with Teens??
7 teens to every 1 adult
Jenny: i think you’re on to something
teens ruin towns
lock up your teens
force them to squander their youth on anime and cheetos like the rest of us did
CC: the only thing in your solo cup should be dr pepper
Rachel: seriously!!
they can borrow my Inuyasha Movie 2 Disc 1 burned dvd
i don’t have disc 2 tho so good luck teens
CC: LOL
ur on your own, teens
Jenny: LOL
suffer!
anyway anyway
i bring this up bc i have another prediction of sorts
i think that the only way out of their respective downward spirals will be through the power of friendship
our girls must reunite to remind each other of what is important in life
they must give each other the strength to become normal fucking people again, jesus
in terms of a prediction
it’s not necessarily something i see actually happening
but it should, dammit
esp if we take over writing
Rachel: god i would love to see that
CC: i think this show forgot that friendship that isn’t actually just foreplay actually exists
Jenny: lol
yes
but also b&v endgame forever
final thoughts?
CC: oh wait
before final thoughts
there’s one more topic i wanna cover
which is
I was NOT looking forward to more gargoyle king content but boy was i hoping to see the adults play dnd
I was SO DISAPPOINTED it was actually just a ruse to disguise a hate crime
on so many levels
Jenny: yeah this was shitty
and the whole “tom rejected moose’s dad in the 80s/90s” motivation was kind of exhausting
like, it’s 2019
can we please stop w this
CC: yeah agreed on all counts
but that’s all the extra content i wanted to discuss! I thought, there’s so much time in this episode; maybe we’ll get to see these seasoned actors in tne room doing something dumb
how fooled i was
Rachel: i’ve learned to keep my expectations so low
Jenny: yeah it was all just a horrible ruse
a bait-and-switch
but where the bait is good content and the switch is garbage
CC: welcome 2 crime town
Jenny: tbh this feels like a great ending
but do y’all want to do final thoughts?
Rachel: i have one thing to say
Jenny: go for it
Rachel: which is, as Moose goes, so go I
Jenny: lol yes
Rachel: which is me saying i’m ready to ditch this garbage show / town
CC: we tried
Head on over to our Patreon for what may be our final extra dose of Riverdale screaming: our exciting list of all the things we’ll be able to do with our time now that we’re washing our hands of this teen drama hot mess.
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.