You’ve taken the Myers-Briggs tests to see which of your TV favorites you’re most like. You’ve done the superhero workout routines–or at least looked at them and pretended you were going to do one. You’ve found the perfect jumpsuit for your Ghostbusters cosplay–but what do you now? What’s the next step? How do you level up and truly be one with your TV idol????
There’s no need to spend a lot of money or drive hours into the desert to get those outlawed-by-the-FDA “nutritional supplements”! The secret is so simple and accessible: It’s ice cream! Eat your way to being one step closer to embodying your TV fave, because through science we’ve found a correlation between every strong female character and a tasty, tasty pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
Buffy Summers: Half Baked
It’s been more than a decade since Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on the air, so it’s nice to think that by now our favorite vampire slayer is finally done “baking” and has her post–Chosen One life in order, but who has time for personal growth when there’s an apocalypse every other Tuesday? Not to mention that Sunnydale is an actual crater in the ground and the whole world is aware of Slayers. I think we’ll check back in another decade.
What this will do you for: Eating these processed bites of cookie dough will help you access your inner Slayer so you can face your demons, be they literal spawn from hell or the popular clique at your ten year high school reunion.
Veronica Mars: Coffee, Coffee, Buzzbuzzbuzz
Veronica juggles PI work and schoolwork and hustles to make sure her personal relationships don’t spiral out of control–when does the woman sleep?–while some of us can’t start the morning without getting soap in our eyes. Thank God for coffee, amiright? Can you honestly look me in the face and tell me that if you cut her, Veronica Mars wouldn’t bleed the darkest coffee you’ve ever had the misfortune to consume? (I mean, right before she tazes you, bro.) This woman is straight up coffee ice cream, maybe with some sort of bourbon-based caramel drizzle, you never know.
What this will do you for: Consuming such minimal levels of caffeine in ice cream form won’t give you any sort of fearless investigatory buzz, but it definitely will give you brain freeze.Once you thaw out, though, you’ll be left with endless quips! (Tazer not included.)
Abigail Mills: Everything But The . . .
Before Fox put Abby Mills (and thus, Sleepy Hollow’s ratings) in the ground, she stared down headless horsemen, wendigos, and other nightmare creatures. Forget that time-traveling weirdo Ichabod Crane, we all know that Abby is the real star of the show. She’s strong and bold and so very clearly a winning combination of Everything But The… proverbial kitchen sink, ready to handle whatever supernatural shit life dumps on her. I wouldn’t mess with her; she’ll probably toss that lingering kitchen sink at your head.
What this will do you for: To activate the superpower-inducing properties of this ice cream’s unpronounceable ingredients, we recommend digging in with a spoon under a full moon. You’ll transform into a badass with skills the rest of us peons can only dream of. Almost like Chuck in Chuck, but exuding pure awesome like Abigail Mills.
Cersei: EmpowerMint
The pint may say democracy is in our hands but we all know Cersei will rip it out of our grasp, light it on fire, and take the throne like a stone-cold badass. She’s bracing like strong mint but with none of the refreshing aftertaste. All hail the Mad Queen.
What this will do you for: Definitely open a pint of this stuff wearing a hazmat suit and with the National Guard on standby. Kiss your loved ones goodbye beforehand, because there’s no telling what aspects of Cersei you might take on. Whatever the outcome, it will sure be spectacular.
Zoe Washburne: A Swirled of Difference
I firmly believe that having Zoe on your side in a fight would make . . . a swirled of difference. (I can’t help myself around bad puns, OK?) She’s not perfect, but who among us is? Just like the delightful flavor combinations in this ice cream–peanut butter and jelly? yes please–Zoe Washburne pulls herself together and is the big damn hero we all admire: whether fighting Reavers or saving a crew member from Shepherd Book’s hair.
What this will do you for: Drown your petty mortal fears in this ice cream and you’ll find yourself brave enough to make noticeable changes in your own life. You may not suddenly look as fly in red leather as Zoe does, but with an ice cream–fueled confidence boost, you might actually ask for that raise you damn well deserve!
Science is why we know how men really feel about big butts! Science explains resting bitch face! Science discovers new differences between the sexes! And now, science is why we know what ice cream flavor corresponds to your favorite lady on TV. This could be the most important connection between science and pop culture of the decade–and we’re here to share it with the world!
Featured image via Public Domain Pictures.