Welcome back to POME’s deep dive into the world of Sports. We know about Sports. At this point maybe we know too much about Sports. Much in the way that maybe we’ve wasted too much of our lives on shitty dates, we have now maybe spent Too Much time on Sports. But, it’s all worth it if we can share that knowledge with you! And so I welcome you back to “What’s Wrong With Your Date Based on His Fave Hockey Team” — a fun listicle in which I judge the tastes of all those trashboys you date/have dated.
You know the drill: you’re on a first date, he mentions haackey, and from that point on, there are a few ways it could go. Some teams are full of Hot Dads who Fuck and some are just full of tired old men — the one he chooses will say a lot. So, this listicle is here to help you decide: is he going to get pucks in deep, or is this the last date he’ll get out of you?
There are So Many hockey teams in the NHL, and they cannot be contained by a single listicle. Today we’re hopping over to the Western Conference, starting with the Pacific Division.
Anaheim Ducks
This guy’s knowledge of hockey starts and ends with Emilio Estevez. He’s maybe more of a talker than a do-er; he’s wasting your time.
Arizona Coyotes
Now this guy is a dreamer AND a do-er. It’s true that his dreams are a little unrealistic (like playing hockey in the desert), but he thinks he might be able to make them happen, maybe, someday. Think of this one like an investment: his stock definitely isn’t going anywhere any time soon, but there’s some measure of potential for a modest payoff down the line.
Calgary Flames
I’m sorry, whomst?
Edmonton Oilers
This guy peaked in high school. Honestly, there are so many things in his life that are going well right now; but, because he doesn’t appreciate them, they are wasted on him. He’s living in the past, and so there is no future to build with him here.
Los Angeles Kings
This man is maybe too old for you. He’s not old in a comfortable way — not old in a “let’s stay in and I’ll cook you dinner and we’ll be in bed by 9” way — he’s old in a “just found out that Amazon will deliver anything you want right to your door, and also can you fix my computer?” kind of way. He’s clinging to the past, and honestly there’s just not room for you in his future (even if you wanted there to be).
San Jose Sharks
Old men love Southern California, I guess, but some Olds are better than others. This guy wants to take you hiking early in the morning, before it gets too hot outside. He will be asleep by 8PM. There’s a new farm-to-table restaurant he’s been wanting to try — does 5:30 sounds good to you? Life with a Sharks fan is all about simple pleasures, but especially the pleasures of falling asleep in a recliner and pairing different craft beer with different board games.
Vancouver Canucks
This is not a man, this is a changeling trapped in our world. This is literally the only situation in which talking to a hockey boy might get you kidnapped and presented before the Prince of all Faerie. Whether you partake of the candied flowers and honeycakes is up to you.
Vegas Golden Knights
This guy Fucks. If anyone is going to dance towards you in a convenience store to “I Want It That Way,” it’s a Golden Knights fan. He’s a lot to keep up with, but he’s a great time for as long as you can manage.
Hockey is a great time, actually! But not as great of a time as making fun of shitty dudes. All joking aside though, of course the way he talks about his team is more important than the team itself. Is he complaining about how some players just have too much personality, or is he eagerly sending you the link to P.K. Subban’s TV Special? Honestly, if it’s the latter, I think you’ve found yourself a keeper.
Don’t forget to come back next week for the final installment of What’s Wrong With Your Date: Hockey Edition, when we’ll be discussing all the boys of the Central Division! And be sure to pop on over to our Patreon to find out who we picked to be the Best Boy Beefcake of the Pacific!
Further Reading
I’m just going to keep plugging this; there’s no stopping me. If you like hockey (and also friendship, witchcraft, ~the signs~, and beautiful women), might I recommend the following podcasts:
