I am a fat woman, and this is the only skin I’ve known.

Throughout my adolescence, I was depressed and anxious, binged on food, and spent a lot of time at home. When I discuss the History of My Fatness (also the title of my future best-selling memoir), my mom recalls the fits I threw because I always wanted more baby food. I wore black clothing every day in second grade, which would sound pretty metal if it wasn’t a sign of my crushing childhood angst. At 15, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. All the while, I ate, often in secret. Cut to 2016 – I’ve spent the last couple of years getting my diabetes in check and being open about my struggles. I won’t deny that this process hurts, but it’s also worked well. I was absolutely giddy after my last doctor’s visit. My doctor, a cheerful and encouraging man, agrees that I should consider surgical weight loss. Finally! My life will truly begin!

Just kidding! Fat people have lives. I mean, yeah, I’ve curled up into a fetal position and cried alone on my bedroom floor, but that gets boring, and I like to do other stuff sometimes. Many people disagree when we openly complain about fat shaming and bullying because they think these actions are ultimately justified (for our health, of course). Sometimes I feel like a significant chunk of my struggle is undoing the mindset of hating myself, and I now know that many others relate to this feeling. Remember: a fat body is not a bad body. With that in mind, here are a few things I’ll miss about being fat.

Physical Strength

For all the stereotypes about fat people being flabby weaklings, a lot of people assume that I am physically strong. Maybe it’s because I already carry around hundreds of pounds every day. I am basically an elephant: a large, powerful land mammal that eats 300-400 pounds of grass and bamboo daily. What they don’t know is that this elephant has no upper body strength.

Alcohol Tolerance*

I like to drink occasionally. Generally, if you weigh more, it’ll take more alcohol to get you drunk. I already hear you: think of your health! Think about all the money you will save! Stop promoting alcoholism, damn it! Thank you for your concern, but many have admired my god-given abilities to stay up after everybody else has passed out, and I’ll miss feeling like the champ. If my woman’s mind and fat body have no worth, let me be valued for my drinking stamina!

*Tongue planted firmly in cheek.

“The hugs will be so much smaller, but I will find a way to deal if that’s what you’re gonna go for!”

My best friend told me this after she learned of my surgery plan. I’m glad I turned around and complimented her skirt in that world history class we took in high school, because my life is better with her in it.

Lane Bryant*

So you’re fat and you have to buy clothing. I’m sorry. Let me first direct you to the back of the store, so we don’t disgust the other customers. Then, please comb through these clothes that have millions of embellishments, fit poorly, or cover up any sign that you have a body with 1,000 yards of muumuu. You get my point.

Instead of celebrating all body shapes, plus-size retailers usually aim to “slim” your body and shape it into the same mold we see across all women’s clothing. In the plus-size market, it’s still about big boobs, slim tummies, and wide hips, which are also beautiful but reinforces a body standard that is imposed on all women, no matter their natural shape. The good news: it’s getting better out there. Lane Bryant still needs to work on representing more diverse bodies, but they have made some strides. When I enter the store nowadays, I feel positivity that’s lacking from the straight-size stores. I feel acceptance. I feel fashion-forward! While I cannot afford a $95 silk floral kimono robe – anybody wanna hook me up? – Lane Bryant is a safe space. And fashion expert/my new hero Tim Gunn agrees with me.

*I was not paid by Lane Bryant to write this glowing review. But as long as we’re on the subject…

Fat Identity

All women experience body issues, but there are experiences specific to each subgroup. I am a fat, middle-class woman of mixed ethnic background. This is the only identity I’ve known. As I become smaller, I expect that the changes to my sense of identity will be one of my toughest challenges. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to handle this, but I know one thing: Fat will always be a part of me. My experiences will not be erased once I lose weight, and frankly, I wouldn’t want them to go away. When I’m not feeling down, I like the person I have become. As Lindy West writes in Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman,

When my body gets smaller it’s still me. When my body gets bigger it is still me. There is not a thin woman inside me, awaiting excavation. I am one piece.

I’ll end with a recent experience: It’s a Wednesday afternoon. I leave the office to pick up lunch for my coworkers. I make a few stops at different restaurants. Carrying several bags of food, I reach the last restaurant, place my order, and sit at a nearby table to wait. This woman – blonde, mid 30s, and lithe – stares at me coldly. I give her the “what’s-your-deal?” squint. She points to the bags and shakes her head in disgust.

The judgement is quick, ugly, and based wholly on my appearance. It stays with me that day, and my mind fights against the oft-quoted mantra that you shouldn’t let one person rain on your parade. I want to give her a piece of my mind – to tell her that body positivity isn’t about encouraging bad health, but about loving yourself, and in doing this, we will advance toward the healthy society we all want. Or even just to tell her to fuck off. It takes all my strength to not say anything. And then I think about what I’ll miss about this body, which has carried me for 27 years, and I know one thing that losing weight won’t change – my strength. So, she is allowed to hate me, and I am allowed to keep living and valuing myself. And maybe that’s the best “fuck you” there is.

Featured image via WikiMedia Commons.