Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. This week, we shout about bad dads, the crone matriarchy, and living your life (as a willing human sacrifice) as we get one step closer to the season finale.
Jenny: So the Feast of Feasts is my favorite episode
CC: I know we say this every time we cover one of these shows, but Everything Happens So Much
Jenny: i love thanksgiving
and this is like
the only real thanksgiving ep we’ve gotten from a cw show since gossip girl went off the air
but mostly
Jenny: i love a thanksgiving ep that dunks on colonialism like this
CC: yeah same
but at the same time, I feel like the Feast of Feast episode really starts to approach unpacking the patriarchal machine behind the entire witch society in this show
Jenny: oh you mean….
Jenny: @blackwood
Rachel: this was GREAT
i’m not normally pro-slut shaming but damn
CC: always down to @ blackwood
Jenny: i think a lot of the unpacking came in Dezmelda’s story
CC: love her
Jenny: like, the head of a church is a flawed human, with sins
def not divine
CC: ok but getting back to dezmelda
what a great crone aesthetic
now THIS
THIS is some full crone shit
Jenny: hell yes
love her
of course
CC: living in your damn hut with your spooky eye and your staff
Rachel: i was so bummed we didn’t get more time with her
Jenny: SAME
CC: she’s the mentor I think all of us want and need
teach me how to live dezmelda
Jenny: def
also worth mentioning
that bc she ran away as a child, she was never baptized/never signed her name away
so, like, really exited the Whole patriarchal machine
Rachel: woah that’s a good point!
also, this is a slight tangent but something I recently found out about
so apparently in ye olde Puritan times, when you formed a covenant with a Puritan church you signed a book
so signing the devil’s book was like the evil opposite
Jenny: WOAH!!!
I DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!
Rachel: (shout out to Unobscured, a podcast all about the Salem witch trials that I have been devouring)
Jenny: oh shit yeah i’ve heard good things about that pod
CC: oh wow
I guess there’s more to this witch religion than Evil Dunking On Catholicism after all!
Jenny: lol yes
but to be fair, the whole Dezmelda story was a good dunk on catholicism
like
Jenny: people are terrible
CC: also to be fair, wasn’t puritanism supposed to also be an exercise in dunking on catholicism??
Jenny: lol
yeah
CC: but also, def agree on the dezmelda story feeding into that
what do yall think it Means that ms wardwell is bringing sabrina and co out to meet dezmelda and hear her story? like
I know she wants to give sabrina doubts
but do yall think there’s more going on there?
you think ms wardwell has Mr Evil Pope in her sights???
again: I am now caught up to where I had previously watched and don’t know how this season ends
so if there is a resolution on that one way or the other I don’t mind sidestepping for now
Jenny: well i def hope she has evil pope in her sights; we for sure know that they don’t get along
mostly i saw this as a way to help sabrina achieve her ends, so that sabrina would trust wardwell more
but also as an excuse to expose harvey/the kinkles as witch hunters
and thus break that bond down a little
CC: wardwell is so good at being a fake mentor
Jenny: SO GOOD
love that “well i do have a necromancy spell that is super simple and yields GREAT results; and yes it’s just in my office, casually, on this shelf. but you wouldn’t have any interest in that?? surely??”
CC: I can’t believe that worked
Jenny: honestly disappointed in sabrina for not seeing through it
Rachel: i mean that’s not the first time though
like when wardwell was like “wow you would not BELIEVE how scared of spiders the principal is”
Jenny: lol yes for sure
CC: I did get a kick out of wardwell basically being like “oh, this old thing??” re: that necromancy spell
Jenny: def def
and i like the idea that she’s going after evil pope
bc that guy for sure sucks
like
CC: the old ways, that do not put me in any danger and actually only benefit me, truly are best
Jenny: YES
the bastard
CC: in other news
another thing that is best
is giving me $20 bucks
just putting out that vibe into the world
Jenny: yeah
has he considered that
has he considered that it is maybe best to give you and also me $20??
CC:
Jenny: lol yes exactly
like, the mother of his child threw herself in a river bc he wouldn’t marry her
and i mean
maybe he didn’t throw her into that river himself
but i feel p confident in saying (based on how he’s treated people so far) that he probably could’ve handled that situation in a way that did not result in river throwing
CC: look: I feel like anyone would know on some level
that not marrying him might be
dodging a bullet, tbh
I do not believe she did the throwing, is what I am saying
Jenny: fair!
he IS garbage
Rachel: how do we feel about him being Prudence’s father???
like, it’s affect on her
CC: poor prudence
Rachel: it seemed to have a negative affect at first but in the next episode she references it pretty nonchalantly
idk, maybe I just don’t understand witch culture
Jenny: i read that mostly as being like, a validation
bc she knew she was great
and now she has some kind of social capital to support that??
idk idk
mostly i think they were trying to call back to the pilot when the aunts said that prudence was picking on sabrina bc she was the daughter of a high priest and that gave her a clout that they didn’t have, so they lashed out?
Rachel: that’s a good point!
CC: yeah I think that’s def possible
Jenny: i think that finding out that blackwood is her father maybe helped prudence’s confidence a little bit?
like she’s not focused so much on one-upping sabrina
and by allowing herself to see sabrina as an equal
she’s more willing to help her?
esp w the whole resurrection thing
CC: one thing I def wanna talk about real quick
is prudence’s character trajectory through that feast of feasts episode
going from really leaning in to this dangerous and terrifying ritual to allowing herself to doubt its legitimacy
with or without blackwood, that’s! a lot of growth!
Jenny: yeah!! and i think that she did a really good job of helping sabrina grow through that process too! like, pulling a lot of weight as a character that is her own but is also the protagonist’s foil!
like
this moment here
was really important!!
felt like a big moment for both of them!
Rachel: oh yeah def!!
love Prudence here
CC: Prudence is Great
also I like how she really just really lives her best life through the whole human sacrifice process
Jenny: oh HELL YES
Rachel: I appreciate how immediately Ambrose got onboard
Jenny: hard same
but also!
Jenny: what an incredible fanfic contrivance
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: like
these writers are having a great time
and i’m happy for them
CC: at the same time
CC: UGHHHHHH
Rachel: lol Nick
Jenny: yeah this guy ????
CC: I don’t think I * should * fault him for being such an opportunist
but at the same time…
I do and I won’t feel all that bad about it goddamn it!
idk! he skeeves me out!
Jenny: fair enough
he is not great
CC: every line of dialogue he gets just
nope
no thank you
Jenny: lol
i will say in his defense
i’m not going to say yet that he’s a bad guy
bc
like, i can’t tell how much of any vibe i get is foreshadowing or an unintended result of bad writing
ex: everything about sabrina’s dad??
CC: I don’t think he’s actually done anything wrong yet??? but I am WAITING for the moment when he invites sabrina to watch his terrible warlock improve troupe and I will feel So Validated when it happens
Jenny: and also:
everything about suzie’s ghost??
Rachel: AHHH DOROTHEA
i do not know how to feel!!!
Jenny: yeah, like, i want to love dorothea, but at the same time she seems like a manifestation sent by wardwell
to, like, lead suzie into danger
CC: man I didn’t even think of that
I just thought
“oh welp, guess the veil is thin here lol”
Jenny: i mean that is totally possible
i think what got me was when suzie rushed into the mines
Jenny: and it’s like – yes, brave; and also no, you didn’t get hurt
but maybe that’s just a taste
so that you take a bigger risk later
idk idk
dorothea seems dope but i can’t trust anything
CC: i mean, we all know that ghosts aren’t real so this totally tracks
[finger guns]
Jenny: lol fair enough
speaking of things that aren’t real
Jenny: this argument is fake as fuck
Rachel: i don’t remember the context for this??
Jenny: it’s not murder
it’s ritual sacrifice
CC: sure pal
Rachel: oof ambrose, you should know better
Jenny: also! fully unreal/10000% lifted from a fanfic behavior coming out of ms wardell
CC: look, I can’t believe how baselessly confident this kid was lol
how this guy thought he was getting anything out of this exchange beyond, best case scenario, a 20% tip is beyond me
but I mean, good for you, kid, and also RIP
Jenny: honestly
repay that confidence with literal cannibalism
going back slightly
to a ms wardwell point
just as i can’t tell if dorothea checks out
bc, y’know, is it good writing or bad writing; it’s hard to know w/o the full context
i also cannot tell what these writers are doing with Roz’s blindness
like, at first, it’s HEAVILY implied that ms wardwell is making her go blind
but now
the whole family line was cursed bc they outed a witch??
CC: maybe she’s just accelerating it??
Jenny: ah
BUT
Jenny: and then she says that roz’s should be starting soon
and it does
so i’m v much prepared to chalk this one up to an old case of
“they wrote this after having only read the last episode”
Rachel: i’ll be real, i don’t remember how ms wardwell has a hand in roz’s blindness??
i am willing to chalk that up to “being old and slowing dying” though lol
Jenny: it was mostly in the cuts — like, ms wardwell had a voiceover about how she had special hardships in mind for each of sabrina’s friends, and the image was roz looking at her eyes in the mirror (from the banned books ep)
but it’s not super important, really
it’s mostly just an argument to support that i’m not ready to trust anybody
CC: I mean sometimes, though not often, life just gives you a hand and does the heavy lifting for you
and by life, I mean, and old curse by another witch hundreds of years beforehand
Jenny: lol def
CC: so there was SO MUCH to talk about in Feast of Feasts, but in our last few mins, I wanna touch on the next episode
I don’t have ttTTTHAT much to say about it, but
god damn I truly hate blackwell with every fiber of my being
Jenny: he is absolutely the worst
Jenny: oh boo hoo
my heavily preganant wife doesn’t want to sleep w me bc i keep cheating on her
Rachel: UGH
CC: IT’S THE OLDEST TRICK in the /r/relationships book
what a PRUDE
god
Jenny: i hate this
Jenny: i hate this so much
CC: ugh
Rachel: zelda!! you deserve better!!
Jenny: she does! actually!
she does deserve better!
and also!
she DOESN’T deserve
THIS SHIT
CC: he is trash
and deserves to get dunked on 250% more than he does
oh also, before we wrap up, to close out the other major thing that happens in the second episode
I am 100% anti death magic and I just
nope
no thank you
Rachel: Sabrina ????
Jenny: i mean
she DID that
i a little bit loved it though
CC: I know I say this a lot
I love y’all so much and you are my dear friends, but I would never resurrect the dead for you; I hope you understand
Jenny: i do
Rachel: oh 100%
it never ever works
cain pit or not
CC: nobody ever just comes back okay
nobody’s ever like “wow thanks for bringing me back, I’m totally the same person you knew and loved”
caveat: unless you have like, the silver imperium crystal at your disposal
otherwise: ya burnt; sorry
burnt by life, I mean
Rachel: burnt by the afterlife
yeah i got so frustrated with sabrina about this!!
like!!! everybody is telling you this is a bad idea!!
except ms wardwell, i guess
but jeez
JEEZ
Jenny: i mean
even ms wardwell is like
Jenny: even though it IS v wink*wink
i think we’ve agreed that sabrina is NOT great at picking up on those vibes
CC: i guess we’ve all trusted those cheekbones 😥
Jenny: we all just need to listen to hilda more, tbh
Rachel: hilda is the one good northstar in your life Sabrina
literally the only person who knows things AND has fully good intentions
and no biases
CC: we don’t deserve her, truly
Rachel: ok y’all ready for final thoughts?
Jenny: def
Rachel: mine is, I cannot imagine how weird it would be to know there was an orgy going on in your house
Jenny: LOL
Rachel: and you’re just like, in your very cute pjs, trying to sleep
trying to go to snooze town
everybody else is in the bone zone
CC: gotta bang on the ceiling with a broom
STOP MOANING UP THERE
Rachel: i’M LITERALLY A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD
CC: I can’t imagine that there is any volume discretion in a witch orgy tbh
Rachel: i just hope they were all safe and used protection
and also had a safe word
CC: truly you are the hilda of our coven rachel
always looking out for these these teens
Rachel: omg i have never been so flattered!!!!
Jenny: i mean if harry potter fan fic has taught me anything, it’s that there are definitely contraception spells
Rachel: LOL JENNY
Jenny: thank
ok my final thought
is really just more praise for prudence
like,
she finds out that she’s not an orphan
that her dad absolutely sucks
that her stepmom tried to kill her
and she’s just like
ok
BUT
Jenny: i want to wear the dress, and i want to sit on the throne of skulls
Rachel: girl has her priorities
CC: also, jesus christ, to set your orgy to Fiona Apple’s “Criminal”
in the year of our lord 2018
she has really good taste in orgy playlists
Jenny: she knows what she wants
CC: my final thought is
blackwood’s whole entire deal is just profiting off of the pain and suffering of women 1000 times more talented than him and, well,
Rachel: lol bless u CC
Jenny: YES
PERFECT
PURRFECT
bless cc and bless the salem puppet
all hail
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All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.