Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Welcome to TWO high school plays for the price of one; praise the dark lord one & all. Is Nick actually trustworthy??? How will Wardwell wreak vengeance upon Blackwood for making us watch the Warlock’s Rights Activist high school play version of her life??? Look, we don’t have the answers yet but join us as we start asking these truly important questions.
Jenny: so shall we start w a summary?
the school play episode?
CC: yeah – TWO school plays for the price of one!!!
Rachel: such a bargain
Jenny: we’ve got the classique — romeo and juliet, budding romance, is that the kissing scene? is that weird?? so sweet
and we’ve got the hellish inversion
blackwell, backed up and frustrated after zelda’s ultimatums, has poured all his pent-up energies into adapting the play for the children to perform, and he DOES NOT TAKE NOTES.
CC: this rarepair fanfic writer
Jenny: lololol truly
CC: “CCNW” (constructive criticism not welcome)
I feel bad for IRL Shirley Jackson tbh
I never want to be used as a tool for slutshaming, even after death
Jenny: she deserves better representation than this
Rachel: also, the devil is here to be a petty jerk and prove a point
CC: ya the other main thing in this ep was the devil and the devil’s estranged wife who wants to make it work strike up a bet on whether or not Sabrina will do crimes when prompted
Jenny:
Jenny: truly the pettiest shit
CC: LOL i loved it
I loved that it’s the best he can do as far as petty crimes
Jenny: tbh i was Very on board w the whole “deal w the devil” framework, but this — this was so silly
CC: I was expecting something cringier, like leaving a passive aggressive comment on an insta post but this is some classic low grade BS crime
Rachel: I really do feel for Lilith here
Jenny: for sure!
she’s getting a lot more sympathetic in this season
Rachel: she’s worked so hard to prove herself over the centuries
and this dude is just tossing her aside for a hot teen
Jenny: yeah
and like
she was a very capable and independent woman at one time
she could get back to being that person; i want to believe
CC: why do any of these women even deal with warlocks at all, is what i want to know
I mean like FINE, I GUESS that Nick might not be The Worst and Ambrose is usually p great but every other warlock is a trash bag brought to life by dark magic
Jenny: i mean
i think the answer lies somewhere in
Jenny: gotta have that d
(weak; lazy; but lol)
Rachel: love a good harlequin shoutout
CC: does that mean that lesbian witches are the most powerful of all???
Jenny: i think that is the only logical conclusion
but was it ever really in doubt?
CC: I mean where are all the lesbians, I want to know
I can’t imagine father fingernails over there is v keen on lesbians
Jenny: the people want to see lesbians — NETFLIX, I HOPE YOU’RE SECRETLY MONITORING THIS. THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT
CC: (LOL I just realized that joke works on two levels gross gross gross)
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
but speaking of representation
i’m a little mad
like A)
CC: OH NO
they’re riverdaling us!!!!
Jenny: the two of you have had sex before! last season! in the timeline of this show it was like three weeks ago!!
but also!!
Jenny: fuck you!!
just say the word!!
Rachel: ah i mean, yes, they definitely do need to Say It, but I get that they were going for a polyamory thing as well??
and with the tongue in cheek religious tie the joke makes sense
Jenny: fair enough fair enough but still — they made a big to do in the casting call for ambrose that he was to be a pansexual POC, but that’s the only place they say it?
not in the text of the show
Jenny: but also idk idk — it’s definitely not nothing to see him experiencing attraction but for this show that just discovered feminism last week, it seems like queer representation 101
like, use the words the community uses
anyway
you know what was great though
hilda
hilda was great
CC: adopt me hilda
Jenny:
CC: ;o;
i love her
Jenny: she believes in friendship
she believes in mutual support
Rachel: she’s the only witch sabrina should be listening to and taking advice from
CC: literally the one and only
Jenny: v true
although
Jenny: wardwell
so wise
in a horrible and manipulative sort of way
CC: words to live by
i mean, sorta
LOL
Rachel: i was so sad seeing her watch the play
????
CC: GOD i know
It Messed Me Up
Jenny: i legit think i cried
watching her cry
CC: idk man I would hate for blackwood to make a high school play adaptation of my life either
i know that’s not why she was crying but still
Jenny: lololololol he was unbearable
Jenny: first one up to give a standing ovation of his own show
awful
so bad
CC: i was so surprised he was really feelin it that much
I know how much he hates sabrina
you’d think it would temper his enthusiasm but I should have known he’d be mostly applauding his own ego
Jenny: well that and
Jenny: the chemistry was apparently undeniable
so much so that the dark lord had to send over congratulatory drinks with a message about it
which, like — gross
Rachel: that was so bizarre to me
why is he hanging around watching a school play
Jenny: lol right???
Rachel: like, don’t you have evil to be doing somewhere in the world
souls to torment or w/e
CC: the dark lord has entirely too much time on his hands
Jenny: truly
CC: one side note about the play
I LOVED that sabrina is basically wearing a wardwell wig
it’s straight up just wardwell’s aesthetic
Jenny: lolololololol
CC: her actual hairstyle, but the halloween wig version of it
Rachel: purchased from amazon dot com
Jenny: yeah no magic hair mask on this one
Rachel: the magic hair mask didn’t have prime shipping
Jenny: LOL
CC:
CC: ok i guess it’s not THAT bad
it’s not like, Bucky bad
Jenny: idk idk i just cannot wrap my head around what the budget is for this school play’s costume department
like — agatha is out here in this sexy sheer raven thing that is so clearly money
and sabrina is a weird nightgown with a ribbon on the front? and this silly wig?
where’s your consistency??
unless they had to make the costumes themselves??
that’s a scene i want to see, actually
Rachel: finally something sabrina is bad at
not a good tailor
Jenny: yes
yes
would love to see nick really paying attention to the piping on that fancy doublet thing
CC: maybe they got the wig at the last minute like:
dorcas has long, red hair (I’m assuming bc it’s long enough to be in that updo) which is close enough to wardwell’s dark auburn hair
or closer than sabrina
maybe they had to get it through amazon now
Jenny: lololol and it’s so difficult to get the delivery drones to recognize these cursed interdimensional planes
CC: drones just can’t survive there
Jenny: i want to talk a little bit about nick
i am really coming around to him
like
idk:
Jenny: i feel like he maybe gets it
CC: i don’t trust him!!!!
I’m sorry!!!!
he SEEMS too perfect!!!!
i am doing my best to be cautiously optimistic bc I do not think this show is good at trickery
Jenny: LOL fair
CC: BUT idk! i can’t put my finger on it
he SEEMS like a good boy and I am just gonna wait and see
Jenny: i mean
i think part of what sold me this time was just
Jenny: he really seems like he could probably take direction well
and that’s important!
CC: maybe it’s just like!!! I want to believe in your allyship but I also think you just want sabrina to step on u
IDK!!!!
Jenny: eh why not both
CC: lol fair
Jenny: but now that we’ve talked about nick, i also want to talk about harvey
sweet, sweet, harv
really trying to move on
Rachel: trying like a lot
Jenny: establishing some boundaries!
Rachel: i don’t know, his brief make out sesh with Sabrina makes me doubt his intentions with Roz!
Jenny: ok yeah yeah very fair
it definitely felt weird just bc of how chaste everything was w them last season
like…
Jenny: where did this come from??
is that what happens when you sign away your soul to the dark lord?
you just get really horny?
Rachel: i mean i guess that makes sense
i was surprised too!
Jenny: so many of the “tests” that sabrina was put through
the gum, the lead role, harvey
they seemed so easy to say no to??
CC: I was just chocking that one up to longing
like, wanting what you can’t have
Jenny: oh fair enough
CC: I’m sure that not being able to be together played into it
Jenny: yeah i didn’t see it in too harsh a light re: harvey’s intentions w roz
just bc i think a little backsliding is normal w exes?
esp when they’re both technically single
i’m willing to be p forgiving of that
esp considering how it ended?
Rachel: oh yeah i def think it’s over over
CC: i hope so
I think this show has moved beyond where I am rooting for them to end up together and towards me rooting for them to stay apart lol
Jenny: yeah for sure — i also just don’t think they had great chemistry?
idk idk i haven’t been super satisfied on that level from anyone (except hilda and dr. c)
CC: not nearly as much as he has with his actual RL GF lololololol
Jenny: oh def def
harvey and roz feel a lot more natural together
CC: so one thing i wanna mention real quick
on a very completely different subject
is theo’s plot this episode, using the boy’s locker room
(which, weirdly enough, had signage that looked like a sign for an old time burger restaurant??)
Jenny: oh yeah love that ketchup font
CC: I really HATE the trope that homophobes are really just running away from their own queerness
truly I do
but
CC: the vibe I am getting from this scene
is Peak No Dames
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
i mean
i think there was a part in season 1 where hilda outs one of these guys to the main shitty one?
(not a cool thing to do, hilda)
so that is already a garbage trope that this show has done — seems likely they’d do it again
but also i think we need more song and dance numbers, and this is a real wasted opportunity
CC: well
with all the plays in this episode
I guess it was appropriate that this would end with somebody
BREAKING
A
LEG
Jenny: lololololololololololol
Rachel: lol yes yes yes
Jenny: that was real gross though
Rachel: SO GROSS
i was very unhappy about that scene lol
Jenny: i mean — i’m v petty and i love to see revenge fantasies play out in controlled narrative settings, but it was still gorier than it needed to be
CC: yeah, I’m gonna unsubscribe right now
CC: did not need to see bone
no thx
bye
Rachel: yes yes exactly
Jenny: y’all ready for final thoughts?
CC: i am
ok so my final thought is
CC: look at this reverse glow up
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOL
i’ve been really trying to avoid spoilers, but god just you wait!!
CC: i hate the goat costume
it’s silly as hell
Jenny: it’s so bad
like, whenever it “talks”
looks so dumb
CC: it looks like a godzilla costume where you can see the zipper
Rachel: i appreciate the lack of special effects
but yeah it’s never like, super good lol
Jenny: oh yeah yeah but also like, lotr came out in like 2001 or some shit and the prosthetics on those orcs was great and also v scary?
like, it’s 2018 when this is being filmed
we have the technology
i just think that’s where they should’ve put the budget — instead of in, like, shitty wigs and plot lines that aren’t about hilda
CC: +1 where’s doc cerberus
gimme that werehunk
Jenny: YES
Rachel: omgggg
Jenny: i think THAT’S my final thought
it’s been TOO LONG
TWO LONG
where is Dr. C??
CC: probably off with all the parents from riverdale that we can never find
Jenny: i don’t care about anything that’s happened in the past two eps as much as i care about dr. cerberus
Rachel: they can’t just have hilda kiss somebody at the end of season 1 and not immediately pick up from that in season 2
it’s not how this WORKS
Jenny: YES
CC: the only kiss i care about
Rachel: ok so my final thought
i am starting to feel real bad for Dorcas
Jenny: oh man
yeah
CC: cursed by her stupid name
Rachel: like she’s the Sarah Jessica Parker of this trio
CC: LOL
Rachel: I just hope she finds some folks that are nice to her
maybe then she’ll start to be nice to others
Jenny: yeah
come on sabrina writers — give us that wholesome and supportive content
CC: starting over in a new town, with a new name……………
dweebus
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: somehow an improvement lol
CC: i feel like the sarah jessica parker of the trio for making that joke but oh well!
dorcas / salem 2020
Jenny:
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Featured image source: Sabrina the Teenage Witch. All other images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.