Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Welcome to hell, and by hell, we mean Teen Witch shenanigans — complete with time magic, 80s cheerleading tropes, and a living dollhouse (because why not??).
Jenny: this episode was kind of a mess, but i’m going to go ahead and say: enjoyable
really felt like Teenage Witch antics
she’s a teenager! she makes bad decisions! she’s a witch! she does magic!
CC: well, sabrina IS going to take hell to sephora
bc
it needs a makeover
Jenny: FELLAS
that was perhaps too much
Rachel: i think i know i’m getting old because i vibed way more with lilith in that episode than sabrina lol
CC: OMG
same
Jenny:
Jenny: : ^^ the take
Rachel: LOL yesss
CC: lilith at the pep rally is me every time I am trying to understand a new meme going around twitter tbh
er, the pep rally practice
w/e
Rachel: yeah, just the frustration of being a really capable woman who is frustrated by the naivety of youth
Jenny: lolololololol
i do have to say, re: these musical numbers — i would be fine if they stopped, i think
Rachel: lol i actually like them???
i’m here for theo singing
like i know it’s fake but w/e
Jenny: theo was p cute but the pep rally practice
Jenny: ????
of all the songs??
Rachel: ohh right i forgot already
Jenny: like — i watched Cheer. I didn’t think this was a popular one among the teen cheerleaders
CC: big props to all the gen x-er CAoS fans, as these musical numbers were mostly for them hahahaha
Jenny: lol RAS makes content for himself
it’s about the purity of expression
it’s art
he doesn’t make it for the masses
Rachel: honestly, same
Jenny: i mean yes 100% please check out POMEpress
CC: so, quick segue but
who wore it best
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
Rachel: how many “daddy” jokes do you think we will have to suffer through in this season
a girl can only take so much
CC: the answer is already TOO MANY
Jenny: oh you mean
this wasn’t already too many????
Jenny: it’s bad
it’s all bad
Rachel: i had a visceral reaction to this
CC: i am once again here to ask you to stop, CAoS
Jenny: just shut my laptop and walked away
CC: at least they got her sort-of dad’s soul out of her boyfriend’s body
at least that’s over
cross my heart to lilith etc
Jenny: finally
though it was only two episodes
i guess and the summer break or w/e
and what a way to bring blackwood back
Rachel: oh yeah
i was mad that our murder duo didn’t pick up on what was going on faster
like, ambrose SAID that time wasn’t a THING here
and then they’re like “WHAT???? 15 YEARS???? YOU’RE LYING”
Jenny: lol yes
but also what a plot contrivance to ditch those boring babies for more hot teens!
inspired
CC: it’s not even like they have utilized all the hot not-actually-teens they already have tho!!
this show already doesn’t give theo enough screen time imo why are we importing even more teens?????
Jenny: to be fair, they were immediately sealed inside a dollhouse
probably they won’t show up again for like 4-6 episodes
CC: what a totally normal thing to do to your siblings
Rachel: yeah, what could possibly go wrong with this dollhouse plan
CC: a LIVING DOLL house
i SAW that episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark and i am nOT HERE FOR THIS
Jenny: look if the option had been available to me
Rachel: and then ambrose and prudence are just sexing it up, just outside
Jenny: like two sexy giants
CC: this show
new messages
what a Look
CC: what outfits
Jenny: sets and costumes carry this writing
it is known
but also where do i get a bow that big
i need it
CC: this dollhouse looks rickety af
CC: you turn a fan on in this room and it’ll disintegrate
guess that’s what happens when you spend the whole prop budget on lilith’s sick goblets
Jenny: well maybe the kids deserve this fate — maybe they were actually really shitty and annoying the whole way over from scotland
children are terrible
case in point:
Jenny: how DARE
zelda?!?!?
a BITCH??
well I NEVER
Rachel: oh zelda!!!
for a gal that used to murder who own sister on the reg, she sure does feel bad about slapping a possessed teen
she’s come so far
Jenny: it’s true
and also
loved this little moment of clarity she had
Jenny: I am not the bitch! it is he! he who is the bitch!
and she’s not wrong
CC: truly
also
god
these lace accents
Jenny: VERY harry styles
CC:
CC: love this collar
love these sleeves
Rachel: love a good cravat
CC: i’m coming around
so, this is a bit of a segue as well but
I’m kinda starting to be out on elder gods
why does everything need some elder gods / eldritch horrors e t c c c cc ccc
Jenny: kinda starting to think they might not be so great actually
Jenny: we can’t just tell human stories in supernatural settings anymore
the stakes MUST be raised to the highest possible levels
Rachel: god where do you even go from eldritch horrors???
Jenny: i don’t know and neither does Roberto
but you know what both Roberto and I do know
it’s that people love to see teens do magic
Jenny: genuinely this was such a satisfying moment
watching sabrina magically manipulate this grieving mother
watching her use magic to find this missing girl
teleport to her
make a ball of fire
loved how hard this ep went on Teen Witch — remember how that’s what this show is about??
i loved it
CC: you know
this show and riverdale really do love cheerleading
Rachel: still haven’t seen a single dab though
Jenny: LOL
CC: is this even relevant to the teens???
Jenny: have the teens moved on from dabbing?
CC: sabrina hasn’t even started a magic tutorial youtube channel
or asked anybody to like and subscribe
Jenny: god i need that content
so much better than the promotional music video
CC: even more than teens, this episode was just
so full of women who can just go ahead and drag me to hell
exhibit a:
CC: will she betray sabrina et al by the end of the season? definitely
but you know what
the mortal realm probably deserves it
Jenny: truly!
she was so good in this episode
like
Jenny: and sabrina is like ‘lmao what do you mean OUR throne’’
and our girl stands her ground
very ‘you heard me’
i love her
she deserves the throne
CC: sabrina needs to get out and hustle for that spon con bc what exactly has she been contributing to hell rn
so uh YES, OUR THRONE!!!
lilith down there dealing with those creepy demons and their weird scabby faced bs
doing the day to day management
Jenny: give her a raise!
give her more vacation time!
spread the good word about the church of lilith!
bc presumably that will make her stronger??
i’m honestly not sure how that works
BUT
praise lilith!
CC: i saw american gods; I’m p sure that’s how it works right
Rachel: i really appreciated harvey’s moment of clarity in this episode
just like, we’re teens right??? we’re in high school????
shouldn’t we not be trying to steal a dead body to transfer the soul of satan out of my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend’s body????
Jenny: oh yeah!! harvey was so good in this episode!!
just very ready to kill a child murderer
very ready to compliment roz
v relatable all around
CC: he’s not wrong tho, everything DOES suit her
Rachel: absolutely love it
OH
do we trust this new friend of theo’s????
we’ve talked about this before but obviously this show has taught me that all new characters are suspect
he’s from a “small town” but doesn’t name it????
SUSPICIOUS
Jenny: oh def — trust someone who was just introduced?? unlikely
CC: a small town called……..hell…..just actually hell
not hell, michigan
just
actual hell
Jenny: lol
CC: i do not trust him either y’all
nobody just MOVES somewhere from somewhere else
i’m onto u
Jenny: trying to make new friends at a new school??
not looking good for you bud
CC:
Rachel: i want theo to have a beau and to be happy, obviously
CC: yeah i agree rachel!!! i want to believe!!!
Jenny: i mean yes it would be nice if theo were happy
but also
just by nature of the way this show deals with new things/characters, i think theo’s happiness would have to come from someone we already know
and might i suggest
Dorcas
Jenny: who just cannot catch a fucking break
Rachel: UGH
THIS LITTLE SHIT
how DARE you cheat on DORCAS
Jenny: yeah! the whole point of marvin was that he was sweet and devoted
but i guess you just cannot get sweet devotion in the church of night?
i guess she’ll just have to look to the outside world
to a certain cute drummer???
CC: whoa
WHOA
Jenny: it writes itself
CC: literally it does!!!!! right here!!!!!
jesus
Rachel: i’m IN TO IT
CC: HIRE JENNY
Rachel: NETFLIX!!!! DO IT!!!!
CC: jenny when you get hired for season 4
please swear to us that you’ll make sure that the daddy jokes come to an end
please
i’m begging u
Jenny: it will be my first decree
CC: bless curse
Jenny: lol
CC: hail lilith
Jenny: ????✨????
i don’t know that we ever did a recap for this episode
lol maybe too late now
but basically — now that sabrina’s accepted her role as queen of hell, she has to start collecting souls. one guy sold his soul to be good a chess (lame), and so she thinks that’s not that bad actually and lets him go. the next guy sold his soul to recover from a terrible car accident and has been murdering children and eating their hearts every 7 years since.
sabrina feels rage?
Jenny: sabrina feels power
Jenny: sabrina destroys
CC: my summary would be: women work twice as hard for power men took for granted L O L
Jenny: succinct
Rachel: so on point
CC: i mean, blackwood and lucifer
what a pair
Jenny: ah yes! bc zelda is trying to get the school back up and running but children are terrible!
(see above)
CC: ALSO
selling your SOUL to be the best at chess???????
jeez
Jenny: stupid
CC: I hope he got something else good, like a two for one deal
like those HEB combo coupons
I hope he at least got like, a 12 pack of frozen corndogs
Jenny: bless heb
would absolutely sell my soul to heb
i’d trust them w it
Rachel: god but let’s real quick talk about the worst part of the show
the ice cream man
Jenny: yeah he sucked
Rachel: that actor did a good job of portraying somebody i IMMEDIATELY hated
Jenny: lolololololololololol
v true v true
credit where it’s due
CC: evil ice cream ned flanders
Jenny: not even the murdering children thing
it was when he told her to go back and check w her boss
that’s really what got me
CC: I AM THE MANAGER, KAREN
YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE
what a dream
Rachel: i kind of dug how sabrina was leaning into the whole “soul collecting” thing when it came to somebody who really deserved it
Jenny: oh absolutely!
i love the idea of her as, like, the point of hell — punishing the wicked
bc the world is full of terrible people and i’d like to watch them get absolutely eviscerated by demons
v v v v v relatable
love to rage
CC: i do not disagree
Rachel: well are y’all ready for some final thoughts?
cause i have a prediction
Jenny: hit me w it
CC: +1 +1
Rachel: ok so, i predict that this little eldritch egg will hatch and the first thing it will see will be sabrina, and it will love her like a mother, and we’ll have a real “how to train your dragon” situation on our hands for the rest of the season
CC: aaaaaAHAHHHHHHH I LOVE THAT
Y ES
HIT ME WITH THAT CONTENT
Jenny: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
god i hope you’re right
hire rachel!
Rachel: they need an animal companion in this show that kiernan shipka is not actually allergic to lol
CC: L O L like this one?
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
i have a prediction
that is really more of a wish
Jenny: really hope we see more of this content
more hilda/dr c
i need it in my life
CC: yeah I know!!!!
Rachel: yeah it’s been two episodes and we haven’t seen this cute couple together even once!!!
not a WHIFF of our lovely werewolf man!!
Jenny: breaking my heart, frankly
leave nick in hell. show me that sweet werewolf man
CC: how DARE this show introduce MORE TEENS when we haven’t seen hilda and dr. c together in like a thousand years
well here’s my final thought
CC: ^^^^ every woman in this show this episode
hashtag relatable hashtag content tho honestly
Rachel: hashtag goals for sure
CC: hashtag cats
hashtag cheetos
Jenny: hashtag praise lilith
CC: hashtag amen!!!!!!
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All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.