You might have noticed that the Texas Lege can just make up whatever they want to about women’s health, Planned Parenthood, and abortion services. Just yesterday, the state decided to block Planned Parenthood clinics from Medicaid funds because of recent “sting” videos created (and poorly edited together) by a staunchly anti-choice organization. Here are the cliffnotes about the state’s decision:
- Planned Parenthood has been blocked from Medicaid funding in Texas because they are being accused of selling fetal tissue for $$$$
- The State of Texas reaffirmed its commitment to “providing women’s health services” via the thousands of clinics enrolled in the Texas Women’s Health Program
There are a few problems with these sentiments:
- According to a 26-county survey by NARAL, only 16.6% of the women’s health providers in the TWHP were actually accepting patients
- One of the clinics listed was actually a Subway lol
- The system in place before the creation of the TWHP (that included Planned Parenthood) worked really, really well before Texas dicked everything up in 2011
- None of the Texas Planned Parenthood clinics take fetal tissue donations for medical research (with the exception of a 2010 study about miscarriage prevention with University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston)
- Planned Parenthood doesn’t even make money off of fetal tissue donations for medical research. Only two of the over 700 Planned Parenthood clinics nationwide donate fetal tissue to researchers. One of those clinics received funds to cover transportation and storage. As of October 13th, Planned Parenthood no longer accepts these reimbursement funds.
- At this point, it’s pretty well-accepted that those videos are completely misleading and heavily edited
- On a national level, the GOP tried to use those videos to go after PP and only ended up embarrassing themselves
In conclusion: Planned Parenthood has been facing a coordinated attack from anti-choice legislators on both a national and state level. These legislators can, apparently, just do or say whatever they want, and their feels are more important than both actual evidence and legal precedent.
But hey, it’s fine. If the actual truth doesn’t work for them, conservative legislators in Texas can decide on an entirely new truth, regardless of evidence. Then they can take all that stuff they made up and turn it into state law. So in the spirit of the Texas Lege, I am going to make up a bunch of myths about abortion so that I can bring you around to my way of thinking. I mean, I’m not an AM radio shock jock-turned-Lieutenant Governor or a state representative from Temple, Texas, but I hope that you’ll take me as seriously as you’d take either of those venerable sources of reproductive health knowledge.
Plus, this list has plenty of sad photos. If the brochures from Crisis Pregnancy Centers are any indication, adding sad photographs to bullshit medical advice makes it 1000% more legitimate. Seriously, who are you going to trust — healthcare providers with a lengthy history of providing trustworthy care to people in need, or an angry, loud blowhard on the internet? Yeah. I thought so.
The following statements about abortion are 100% false:
- Abortion causes all those cancers WebMD made you think you had when you googled your last stomach ache
- Most people who have abortions do so for reasons like “pregnancy shits are the worst” and “it was a Tuesday, what can I say?”
- The hormonal birth control pill, Plan B, singing outdoors, NERF guns, and pumpkin spice are all abortifacients
- Planned Parenthood is teaming up with Subway to provide speedy abortion services to people hankering for soggy $5 footlongs
- You can tell if a woman has had an abortion by looking at the size of her left index finger
- Scientists have found a direct link between the passage of Roe vs. Wade and rising gas prices from 1980-2005
- The only people who have abortions are left-handed
- The only medical procedure more dangerous than abortion is getting open heart surgery in the back of a truck on a highway in the rain
- Most abortions are performed during the 234th trimester
- Crisis Pregnancy Centers are trustworthy sources of medical information that help a lot of people
- Most people who have had abortions say they regret it more than liking an ex’s Instagram selfies but less than saying “orgasm” instead of “organism” in their 8th grade Earth Science class
- Planned Parenthood is repurposing plasma and cervical cell scrapings in order to fuel a time machine that takes them back in time so they can get you pregnant
- Abortion permanently impacts your ability to play field hockey
- Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood, faced a recent scandal when she high-fived President Obama and yelled “abortions rule, and so does ISIS!” upon meeting that cool new pope
- Legislators who don’t know how pregnancy works are the best people to decide who gets to have an abortion
- Unlike (mostly old dude) state legislators, people who can actually get pregnant don’t deserve to decide whether or not they are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially ready to have a baby