Abortion Facts

You might have noticed that the Texas Lege can just make up whatever they want to about women’s health, Planned Parenthood, and abortion services. Just yesterday, the state decided to block Planned Parenthood clinics from Medicaid funds because of recent “sting” videos created (and poorly edited together) by a staunchly anti-choice organization. Here are the cliffnotes about the state’s decision:

  • Planned Parenthood has been blocked from Medicaid funding in Texas because they are being accused of selling fetal tissue for $$$$
  • The State of Texas reaffirmed its commitment to “providing women’s health services” via the thousands of clinics enrolled in the Texas Women’s Health Program

There are a few problems with these sentiments:

  • One of the clinics listed was actually a Subway lol

In conclusion: Planned Parenthood has been facing a coordinated attack from anti-choice legislators on both a national and state level. These legislators can, apparently, just do or say whatever they want, and their feels are more important than both actual evidence and legal precedent.

But hey, it’s fine. If the actual truth doesn’t work for them, conservative legislators in Texas can decide on an entirely new truth, regardless of evidence. Then they can take all that stuff they made up and turn it into state law. So in the spirit of the Texas Lege, I am going to make up a bunch of myths about abortion so that I can bring you around to my way of thinking. I mean, I’m not an AM radio shock jock-turned-Lieutenant Governor or a state representative from Temple, Texas, but I hope that you’ll take me as seriously as you’d take either of those venerable sources of reproductive health knowledge.

Plus, this list has plenty of sad photos. If the brochures from Crisis Pregnancy Centers are any indication, adding sad photographs to bullshit medical advice makes it 1000% more legitimate. Seriously, who are you going to trust — healthcare providers with a lengthy history of providing trustworthy care to people in need, or an angry, loud blowhard on the internet? Yeah. I thought so.

The following statements about abortion are 100% false:

  • Abortion causes all those cancers WebMD made you think you had when you googled your last stomach ache
  • Most people who have abortions do so for reasons like “pregnancy shits are the worst” and “it was a Tuesday, what can I say?”
  • The hormonal birth control pill, Plan B, singing outdoors, NERF guns, and pumpkin spice are all abortifacients
  • Planned Parenthood is teaming up with Subway to provide speedy abortion services to people hankering for soggy $5 footlongs

  • You can tell if a woman has had an abortion by looking at the size of her left index finger
  • Scientists have found a direct link between the passage of Roe vs. Wade and rising gas prices from 1980-2005
  • The only people who have abortions are left-handed
  • The only medical procedure more dangerous than abortion is getting open heart surgery in the back of a truck on a highway in the rain

  • Most abortions are performed during the 234th trimester
  • Crisis Pregnancy Centers are trustworthy sources of medical information that help a lot of people
  • Most people who have had abortions say they regret it more than liking an ex’s Instagram selfies but less than saying “orgasm” instead of “organism” in their 8th grade Earth Science class

  • Abortion permanently impacts your ability to play field hockey
  • Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood, faced a recent scandal when she high-fived President Obama and yelled “abortions rule, and so does ISIS!” upon meeting that cool new pope
  • Legislators who don’t know how pregnancy works are the best people to decide who gets to have an abortion
  • Unlike (mostly old dude) state legislators, people who can actually get pregnant don’t deserve to decide whether or not they are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially ready to have a baby
CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
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