Congratulations, recent graduates from whatever century it is right now. A few months ago, you entered the unkind, unfeeling realm of adulthood, and now you’re trying to navigate the foggy woodlands of your directionless post-college career! You’re probably knee-deep in obstacles like student loan debt, mounting unemployment, and slime — so much slime.
So, how are you going to not just survive but thrive in an entry-level career when your rune decryption and demon-summoning skills aren’t as competitive on the job market as you’d been led to believe they’d be? This guide will help you take on your first job in entry-level spellcasting, one step at a time.
But be warned, young one — the path before you is long and treacherous. Let these words light your steps. Heed my wisdom, lest you be lost to a darkness most foul.
1) Are You A Witch, or Aren’t You?
Remember who you are. Are you some two-bit warlock with a head full of fluff and a freezer full of dead doves? Or are you a future crone with the experience and know-how to reach into a live sheep and pull out its still-beating heart?
Grasp that bleeding heart in your capable palms. Fear not the risks of a life well-lived. You have enough obstacles to overcome without accidentally hexing yourself with hungry fear demons that will prey upon your weakness. If you should fail in this task, expect the shadowlings of Fyrestonye to overtake you when next you cross the great stone bridge.
2) Respect the Kindly Ones
Your boss, like the Furies, holds your fragile life in her hands like a tiny baby bird. This is an apt analogy, for you are as unprotected as a newborn baby bird in this tenuous job market should you cross her and lose your position too soon. Your supervisor might be a fair and just Supreme; stern but fair, with a steely gaze but a warm heart. She might also be might also be a cackling madwoman corrupted by her own dark magicks.
If you find yourself under the auspices of the latter, do not walk away from your position without acquiring another if at all possible. Try to secure a place in her good graces for at least a couple of months while you seek out another posting. Remember: Even if you are right, you are wrong; you are forever wrong, you have never been right; so lowly are you in the eyes of a corrupt managerial crone.
If you fail in this task, you had better develop a taste for regurgitated worm bits because — you guessed it–you face a hundred-year curse in which you live as a wee birdling or some other helpless thrall creature (which may be kinder than leaving you to scrounge for new employment in the meantime, but I personally recommend avoiding both of these fates).
3) Plant Not Yon Seeds of Bitterness For Fear They Will Take Root
As a green and untested spellcaster, you may perceive the successes of others as an affront to your talents. Aye, Ammelia Hearthstone secured a position as the marketing intern for the Spirit of Longing, and Celeste Wysterium manages social media for the Counsel of Sacred and Unknowable Rites. Two fellow witches from your very own sistren thrive in new environments while you collect ethically-sourced crow’s feet for a local potion dispensary. Rage prickles inside of you as their toothy, unwrinkled visages cross your news feed every day.
But you are no longer safe beneath the wings of your benevolent hermit-crone’s tutelage, and her guardianship and protection charms can no longer safeguard you from your own untamed powers.
Unchallenged, this jealousy will grow within you like a sapling and expand through your internal organs, transforming you into a moaning lichenspawn with a taste for human flesh. And while this form can help you exact vengeance from your unsuspecting rivals, its intellectual capabilities lack the robustness of your human form. Once vengeance is yours, what then? I’ll tell you what: photosynthesis, and that’s it.
4) Mind Your Tongue
A simple piece of wisdom, child: share not your weekend plans at length on an early Monday morn. Your colleague-coven inquired about them to be polite; they do not actually need to know the minute details of your elderly familiar’s cluster of ailments or your success in brewing Odin’s mead at your own hearth. If you neglect this wisdom, you risk the greatest punishment of all — the wide maw of silence as you note the boredom and disinterest in your colleagues’ faces.
5) Studying Arcane Horrors Is No Match For Facing Them
Regardless of whether or not your academic training prepared you for banishing abominations to the Between Places or writing voluminous tomes about the state of magicks in our realm today, you must accept that this training did not and could not prepare you for the horrors of the world beyond.
Remember — you trained for a few short years under careful and attentive (if sleepy and comfortable) tutelage. Resist any urges to brag about your achievements in magical theory and keep your nose to the runic grindstone. Fail in this duty and face an incessant haunting by enraged spirits that mock you by mimicking your every word in a supernaturally high falsetto.
6) Face The Furies; Don’t Flee From Them
After surviving on whatever pittance earnings you rubbed together during your studies, the stipends you receive in your magical career might feel like a treasure trove of immense wealth. What would the harm be in purchasing a few specialized enchantments to nurture your spirit while you suffer the indignity of your hourly spellcrafting trade? Why not pick up the latest in dowsing technology while you’re at it, or the most well-produced cauldrons at your local apothecary?
But remember that a debt must always be satisfied. You are probably still paying for your magical education, either financially or karmically — Hecate help you if you received but ignored crone guidance before embarking on your academic career. And believe me, the crones of wisdom always know when they have been ignored, and never fail to collect what is owed to them.
If you noisily squander your newfound assets while in monetary or magical geis to the Crones That Be, they will come for you as surely as the grim embrace of death. Find them and admit to your heedlessness if necessary in order to work out a set of repayment terms, before it is too late.
How can a lone witch in the wilderness of night face down the many-headed beast of Capitalism to find a hearth to call home? Some fledgling enchanters plummet from the night-winds of independence to shattering depths at breakneck speed. However, others soar above the clouds to find a town and a vocation of their own.
Rely on your training, respect powers beyond your ken and proofread your emails before sending them and you will rise above the murky forests of post-grad confusion and far beyond this sinful earth. If you need more crone guidance, you can seek a boon by performing the dark ritual required to connect with us on LinkedIn. And never forget: failure is not an option (unless you have the resources to bide your time at Arcane Law School).
