Fanfiction Synopses For Real Life

January 21, 2016 at 1:41 pm

Have you ever met someone irritating while going about your daily business and fantasized that a dragon would swoop down and scoop them up in her giant claws? Perhaps you have had a social interaction so meaningless, yet so deeply unwanted, that you wondered what the hell that guy’s deal was and concluded that he simply must not be human? You’re not alone, my friend. I present to you these Fanfiction Synopses For Real Life: a small taste of the wild origin stories I daydream up about puzzling strangers while passing the time on dreary days. Maybe if you’re #blessed enough, you’ll find out just what may end up happening to that dude at Starbucks who refuses to use the Starbucks names for their sizes, even though he just earned a free venti frappucino from his Gold Rewards account.

 


 

 

The Guy Who Sits Next to You on the Bus And Pesters You With Questions Even Though There Are About Twenty Open Seats and You Have Your Earbuds In, Blaring Sleater Kinney

Part baby, part man! When he looks like a man, he has the mind and irritating habits of a baby, without any of the adorable chubby grinning. But when his body morphs back into his baby state, only then can he access the reasoning abilities and behavior of a fully grown man! Will he ever find the ancient witch who cursed him and reverse the spell? Something is rotten in the state of Baby Mark, and you can probably find it in his diaper!

Comedy – Rated K

 

The Retail Customer Who Stares at You After You Complete His Transaction and Say Goodbye as if in Expectation of ???? Something????? Else??? Instead of Leaving

It’s the year 3033, and VR-RPG addiction is at an all-time high. Tech leader Grxl has been in virtual space so long that even his name has been corrupted and just wants out, but he doesn’t know where to start. When a mysterious figure approaches him and offers him a chance at a new life, he takes it. But after decades of cycling through dialogue scripts, scouring every corner of every room for gold, and respawning after fatal encounters, can he survive in the real world? A world where staring blankly at someone and occasionally poking them in hopes of eliciting an interesting reaction is not only useless, but also socially unacceptable? Choose carefully: only you can decide!

Choose Your Own Adventure/Tragedy – Rated T

 

The Throng of Thirty-Something Businesspeople in Expensive Suits in Front of You in Line at the Food Truck Who Each Take Five Whole Minutes to Order a Damn Sandwich

Humankind’s time is up. Lizard People will rule the earth. Making Human sounds with a lithe lizard tongue is harder than it seems, but Lizard People are committed. Lizard People are patient. What glorious relief it will be to shed these stinking Human skins and… hrrrsssssth… clothes… once Lizard People destroy the cornerstone of Human civilization, Capitalism, from the inside. Lizard People will keep Italian grinder subs after the Lizard Revolution, though.

Experimental Fiction – Rated K+

 

The Jogger Who Yells at You and Your Friends For Taking Up the Entire Sidewalk Around the Biggest Tourist Attraction in the Whole City; Like, Maybe Try Jogging Somewhere Where There Aren’t a Million People Stopping and Taking Selfies and Laughing and Generally Having a Good Time All Day Long?

Active Model 6553 was not supposed to feel anything but his self-oiling joints gliding perfectly at 6 miles per hour, and the friction created by his custom Nikes hitting the rubber of his treadmill. Jogging in a meticulously clean glass display case in the lobby of Friday Robotics, he was a unique and perfect specimen of the advanced hume-droid technology FR specialized in, and nothing else… until one night, when his case was left mysteriously ajar and he took a chance by jogging right through it. Now AM6553 is on a journey to find meaning, and nothing will get in his way.

Drama – Rated T

 

Sarah Palin

When Sarah Palin took a much-needed vacation from the campaign trail in Paris, France, she couldn’t have known that she would end up taking a break from the 21st century altogether! Follow Sarah as she is whisked nightly into the past, taken under the unlikely wing of a young Gertrude Stein, and coached in the ways of both modernist poetry… and love.

Romance/Adventure – Songfic, “You Get Me” by Michelle Branch – Rated M

Ashley Gallagher

Ashley is a writer, a subtropical swamp blossom transplanted to a temperate rain forest, and a 100% organic mansplain repellent. She enjoys yelling about the media and pop culture zeitgeists that everyone has moved on from at least six months previous, and headcanoning her favorite fictional characters queer.