Five (Horny) Questions I Have About the New Dragon Age Game

At long last, BioWare has finally tossed Dragon Age fans a small morsel of news, in the form of a new trailer for the next installment in their beloved fantasy franchise. Real heads have spent the past month analyzing and wondering about what the game will have in store, based on that tantalizing one minute and twelve seconds of content. I, a blissful casual who has logged a mere 130 hours on one Dragon Age: Inquisition playthrough, have precisely zero lore knowledge stored in my smooth brain. I can therefore only offer thirst: but what a powerful thirst it is, my friends. Join me as I indulge in my wildest speculations for that concupiscent Dragon Age 4 release day. 

Editor’s Note to Dragon Age Deep Lore Nerds reading this post: This piece was edited by someone who has read both volumes The World of Thedas cover to cover, multiple times. Please consider this piece, and its writer, thoroughly blessed with supplemental, unnecessary Dragon Age lore.

1. Will I finally get to romance Varric?

Let’s get down to brass tacks with my biggest question for the brain geniuses at BioWare: why did you give Varric this slutty outfit if I cannot kiss him? 

He’s literally wearing dildo harness hardware as jewelry, come on.

Hearing Varric narrate the latest teaser trailer for the next Dragon Age reignited my hope that not only would he be a major player in the new installment, but that his yoke of unromancability might finally be cast aside. I’m a known weirdo when it comes to romance, so I truly can’t tell if Varric is designed as the ultimate tease, or if I’m supposed to be put off by his small stature and gloriously befurred chest. Regardless, I cannot possibly stress enough that I will engineer my entire gameplay in any Dragon Age game to get Varric’s attention. I will explore every dialogue option, and even go back to previous saves and change my choices, just for a shot at his approval and that ever-elusive flirtatious dialogue option. It’s the dawning of the age of the Short King, and it’s long past time that my favorite AAA game studio wake up to this fact!

What’s that, you say? The man is in love with a crossbow? I hate being fictionally friendzoned. WTF is a “Bianca?” Bitch I’ll kill you. 

2. May I humbly request a VR expansion, but only for Iron Bull consensually choking me?

Iron Bull was my sole reason for finally diving into the world of Dragon Age, and I’ll settle for nothing less than Iron Bull to lure me into virtual reality gaming. While I know full well that this is my most nonsensical demand, it was my first thought after learning about this new Dragon Age game, and I think that should count for something (other than further evidence of my Online-induced depravity). I know that I am not the only person who feels numb to reality after a brutal year of pandemic-era social distancing; we connoisseurs of sexy non-human BioWare cutscenes need some kind of far-fetched hope to keep us going in these unprecedented times. We live in the worst possible timeline, in the age of the reality TV president, so why shouldn’t it be a hope for the virtual touch of our beefiest butterface devil boy, bringing us to the edge of sweet oblivion? If you agree, please sign this Change.org petition

3. Is Solas an Elf Nazi, and can someone sit on him to death?

I’ve seen plenty of people opine online that Solas is a liar, a traitor, and an all-around smug asshole, but I’m different: I simply do not understand a single goddamn thing he says. Accordingly, I have spent much of the four years between my first playthrough and the present day slowly forgetting his whole deal. The things I can remember about Solas are that he knows a lot about magic and is super into ghosts; he will only kiss a lady elf, and reluctantly at that; I’m pretty sure he caused the Breach to begin with, despite claiming purely altruistic motives for joining the Inquisition; and he gives off an extremely “I’m not racist because I hate everyone equally” sort of vibe.

Now we’ve got a new trailer spotlighting Solas as the potential Big Bad of the next game, the Dread Wolf, where he gazes longingly at a mural of some kind, and then turns to gaze squintily at the camera. This has got to be 100% arcane Nazi stuff, right? One does not simply approach a visual representation of a betrayer god with the great tenderness reserved for lovers and, like, terminally ill grandparents unless one is ready and willing to commit mass murder. 

4. Will we get to roleplay fantasy communism?

Perhaps the most genuinely intriguing part of the new Dragon Age teaser trailer for me was the hinting at a different sort of origin story for the player character. Coming from Varric, a skilled writer and an ambivalent nobleman at best, this narration may as well be the start of a manifesto: “It’s time for a new hero: no magic hand, no ancient prophecy. The kind of person they’ll never see coming. We’ve got your back; I’ve got your back.” Paired with images of hooded rogues skulking throughout magically neon cityscapes, the overall vibe through my red-tinted glasses spells out “medieval putsch.” Could Sera’s Red Jennies transform from a vaguely anarchist prank collective into a well-defended commune? Might the Inquisition become some kind of revolutionary vanguard against the rise of Elf Fascism? As millennials increasingly turn to socialism for answers to the real world’s problems, game developers might be wise to cash in by providing us with opportunities to safely and entertainingly roleplay what it might take to bring about a revolution. BioWare’s reputation for capacious world-building and complex characterization makes them uniquely suited to rise to such an occasion, and of all my wishes for Dragon Age 4, this one may perhaps be the most likely to be fulfilled.

5. Won’t someone give Cassandra a wife?

I’m sorry but you cannot ever convince me that this woman is exclusively heterosexual.

It doesn’t even have to be me, the player character, just, Cassandra gay rights PLEASE. Inspired by the impending release of a new Dragon Age game, I’ve finally begun a new playthrough as a male character with the most waifish, girly face I could drum up to sort of trick my brain into thinking I am romancing Cassandra lesbianly. His name is Sappho, because I have no class and abominable taste. I feel lowkey antipathy for what I’m doing with my curséd, unwanted videogame son, but I am inexorably compelled to do it nonetheless, and it is all BioWare’s fault for being too afraid to give the gays everything they want. Cassandra, if you can hear me out there, living your best life in the imaginations of incorrigible bisexuals everywhere: it’s never too late to pull a Niecy Nash.

If you’ve read this far: thank you, I’m sorry, and please don’t tell the Solas fans where I live. May Her Divine Babeliness Andraste bless us all with a happier, hotter Dragon Age than ever before.

Ashley Gallagher

Ashley Gallagher

Ashley writes comics and emails from zir burrow in the Pacific Northwest. Ze is a sentient subtropical swamp fern whose favorite food is old words.
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