Get the Look: Father Frost

Russian Fairy Tales, Part 2

September 12, 2018 at 9:00 am

Welcome to Get the Look: Father Frost — part of Get the Look: Russian Fairy Tales Edition! This is a series in which we will tell you a Russian Fairy Tale and then we show you how to Get! That! Look! Our story today, “Father Frost”, is all about the extent to which men just cannot take a hint.


 

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived with her father, her stepmother, and her stepsister. And surprise, surprise: her stepmother did not care for her at all. This is a fairy tale. Could it really go any other way?

Eventually, the stepmother decides that she cannot stand to look at her stepdaughter any longer, so she orders her husband to take his daughter out into the snowy, Russian wilderness and leave her there for dead.

“Can I at least bring a blanket along to keep her warm?” the father asks instead of saying that he won’t do it.

“No!” says the stepmother, because Fuck You is why.

The father loads his daughter up on the sleigh and drives her out into the middle of nowhere, and then he just kind of dumps her (?) and speeds away (??) so he doesn’t have to watch her suffer (because, god, that would just be SO HARD for HIM???).

Picture it: Siberia, fucking forever ago. This poor girl is stranded in the middle of the woods and it’s hardcore snowing. So she just plops right down at the base of a tree and starts crying! Who could blame her!

Suddenly, she hears some cracking noises, and she sees mounds of snow falling from the branches above her. It’s Father Frost — just, this weird little ice goblin — cracking his knuckles and jumping around in the trees.

Look: What’s cooler than being cool?

Get the Look: Father Frost - a good dress

Oh, my sweet summer child; I can’t imagine this dress was terribly comfortable even indoors, because, y’know, Russia. You look fab, though! To really get this look, wear summer’s coolest accessories in flagrant disregard of seasonality. If you want the goods without the goosebumps, keep it Faux frozen. A liquid glitter eye will really go the distance, taking you from day-to-night and house-to-frozen-woods.

He jumps on down and gets right up in her face, because, y’know — men.

So, he’s just staring at her — for like, A While — and then finally, he says, “Well, maiden. Do you know who I am?”

And then he! doesn’t! let! her! answer! because, y’know — men.

He just goes right ahead and answers his own goddamn question, all, “I am Father Frost; King of the Red Noses.” and it’s just like — OK, guy. King of the Red Noses. Sure.

So she says, “All hail to you, ~Great King~. Have you come to take me?” LOL (implied).

Get the Look: Father Frost - Goblin King

Now, he’s a gross old goblin king (very actively NOT Bowie, the gross young goblin king), which pretty much just means he doesn’t know about sarcasm; so, he ignores her (also because, y’know — men) and says, “Well maiden, are you warm?”

And she’s like jfc — here I am: no jacket, middle of a snowstorm; yeah, I’m warm as hell.

So he’s looming over her, and he’s shaking the tree above her so that more snow falls down, and he asks again, “Are you warm, beautiful girl?”

I mean, look: she’s clearly freezing; her teeth are chattering; she can hardly breathe. But, again, your girl’s out here just like: yeah, dude — I’m clearly, definitely, so warm.

What’s a goblin king to do but get right up in her face again, and show off all his magic ice powers — crackling the air and the snow and the icicles (because we all know women love that)?? So he puts on this big show, and he Asks Her Again!

“Maiden, are you still warm? Are you still warm, little love.”

I can only imagine that at this point she makes some gagging noises, before she just grits her teeth, and says “Yep. Still warm.”

And he just kind of gives up! Like, recognizes that her will is stronger than his, and Respects it! So, he summons a big ol’ sleigh all full of furs and other warm shit, and he picks her up and plops her in, and drives her home. Then he gives her a gigantic chest with a bunch of jewels and gold and silver!

Literally every catcaller should have to do this.

Look: Sleigh, Queen!

Get the Look: Father Frost - she's giving me fur

She’s giving me fur, fur, and more fur, and I am here for it! Let this be a lesson; if you have more outfits than you can wear all at once, just pile them up and roll around in them for that truly opulent aesthetic. Layer on the jewelry: the bigger, the better. This is not the time for subtlety. Do not be afraid to mix metals here; the more gold and silver (or silver and gold, w/e), the more you’ll piss off your terrible family.

[Ostensibly, the reasoning is that she deserves gifts and also life because she “doesn’t complain” about stuff and she doesn’t ask for help and also she doesn’t really engage with strangers; def the guy writing this folktale must’ve also been an old-ass ice king bc he just does not get how clearly sarcastic this shit is but w/e.]

Cut to: inside the girl’s house.

The girl’s stepmother is in the house making pancakes for the girl’s funeral feast (a great idea, frankly — I’m deffo getting IHOP to cater my wake), and she says to her husband “Old man, you had better go out into the fields and find your daughter’s body and bury her.” Fucking. Savage.

The dad gets up to go look for his daughter, and that’s when the girl gets home.

The door bangs open and the trunk full of Good Shit slides on into the room, and then the girl comes in after it, wrapped up in fancy furs and looking warm and healthy.

The stepmother doesn’t even acknowledge her. She just takes her husband aside and says to him, “Old man, take my daughter to the same field and leave her on the same spot exactly.” [ALSO! There’s a stepdaughter —- remember? Of course not! Because she doesn’t DO ANYTHING]

So, the dad takes his stepdaughter out into the snowy, Russian wilderness, and leaves her in the same spot where he’d left his daughter before.

The stepdaughter is wrapped up in furs, and she has her own trunk with her, empty and ready to be filled up with gems and jewels and gold and stuff, but still — it’s Russia in a snowstorm; she’s fucking freezing.

Get the Look: Father Frost - stepsister

She’s not sitting there long before Father Frost comes by to try his same shit.

He says, “Are you warm, maiden?”

To which she replies, “Are you blind!?!? Of course not! My hands and feet are nearly frozen!”

And he gets mad at her, because, y’know — men. And he gets right up in her face, and he’s using all his magic ice powers to crackle the air and the snow and the icicles, and he asks her again! And she just calls him out for what a dumbass questions that is, and so he freezes her to death.

Look: They buy me all these ices

Get the Look: Father Frost - ICE COLD

So if you’re dying to look like an evil stepsister (she’s dying to look like that too, jfs), you need a killer outfit. Don’t be waiting for someone to give you a coat, you can always upgrade. If you want to really get into that Frozen frame of mind, get your skin looking flawless. Bring a huge empty trunk to hold all the riches you’re definitely going to have, and stay frosty out there.

Back at the house, the stepmother is getting impatient; so, she says to her husband, “Old man, go out and fetch my daughter from this snowstorm. But be careful that you don’t spill any of that Good Shit she’s going to be bringing back with her.”

At that moment, the door bangs open and the stepmother rushes outside to meet her daughter. And because the elements in Russia are nothing if not absolutely HARD.CORE, she sees that her daughter has frozen to death, and she wails, and she holds her daughter’s body in her arms, and the cold seeps through her daughter and into her, and she is chilled to death.

THE END


 

If you like this content, be sure to check out the unabridged story (and a bonus #look) on our Patreon! There’s a Talking Dog Prophesy, if that sweetens the pot for you.

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Antoinette Marchpane

Lady Antoinette Marchpane is a 19th century Baroness living in a tall tower in the middle of a modern city. She communicates with the outside world through scribbled missives. Lady Marchpane has very strong opinions on foodstuffs, Star Trek, and the “correct” way to clean a silver service.