I can’t help but see both sides of every issue. In fact, I see all sides of every issue — because I am a giant floating eyeball that sees all and knows all.
I don’t know how our political climate became so heated. On one side, you have white supremacists and other bigots willing to commit cold-blooded murder to uphold an unjust status quo. And on the other, you have a bunch of avocado toast-eating whiners griping about safely existing on this mortal plane. But unlike members of these two divisive factions (who are both equally responsible for destroying the character of this great nation), I stand with reasonable Americans who don’t believe in taking a side. I mean, I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. As a being that experiences the ocular feedback of all terrestrial beings at once, I am paralyzed by constant sensory overload.
Is global warming a dangerous phenomenon that threatens human life upon this planet? Or is it a trust exercise from an unkind god? Who knows! All scenarios are equally likely, because everything happens and doesn’t happen; chaos is a ladder, time is a flat circle, and Schrodinger’s cats are both ravaging and not ravaging fragile ecosystems across this vulnerable Earth. It’s just sad that I seem to be the sole consciousness that can parse these complex ideological issues.
As an entity who can gaze upon the distant past and distant future of this blighted space-rock we call a home, I alone can state that someday, none of this will matter. We will look back on this challenging period of history and laugh, wondering just what we were so riled up about. Or at least I will, as the rest of you will be but dust and bones as I continue to traverse a barren world, lonely as a cloud.
I mean, as an immortal, emotionless creature designed solely for collecting visual feedback, I don’t let trivial concerns about loved ones or death obfuscate my ability to determine Pure Truth — and you shouldn’t either. Your kind wastes so much time worrying about your inevitable deaths; have you ever just considered not dying? I am disappointed that your species hasn’t bothered to seize upon this critical solution to your distractions, thus freeing your minds to the infinite truths of the universe. But I digress.
Truly, I am grateful that my vast intelligence shields me from the quandaries that plague the inferior plebeian rabble like yourselves. But also, my inability to partake in non-visual sensory experiences helps me avoid meaningless distractions like empathy or connection with my fellow living beings. It truly is a lonely existence for me, but a rewarding one, knowing that my theoretical intellect could solve your petty mortal problems if I only cared to do so.
But I will throw your species a bone and offer some advice: I implore you to listen to your compatriots. Heed their opinions — every single one, at the same time, from the most complex philosophical theories to the most inane health advice on Yahoo Answers. Open your mind to quantum black hole theorem and backyard chiropractry. Open your eyes to all possibilities at once, and open your mouth to share this scintillating wisdom with any and everyone you encounter for the rest of your life.
However, I grow weary of doling out insight from my burdensome cosmic understanding, and I have more far important matters to attend to than saving this doomed world — matters far too complex to waste time explaining to short-sighted organisms like yourselves. And remember: all answers are valid, even if they are not. If you believe in every single idea simultaneously, you might be wrong about everything, but you’re also right about everything, and that’s all that matters.
Featured image source: Monster Rancher, via Tecmo (1997)
