The only thing worse than accidentally opening a portal to a hell dimension and unleashing a marauding band of demons is sending a professional email to a stranger. Think about it: if you had to choose between the awkwardness of waiting for a reply from a potential employer and the agony of being slowly devoured by ravenous, semi-tangible wraiths, you can bet that you’d pick those wraiths every time. You can have the entire language of the cosmos at your fingertips, but the moment those fingertips hit the keyboard, all of that power inside of you fizzles out into a pile of
uhhh to whom it may concern,
I hope you are well. If possible, please do me a favor.
With that in mind, here are some tips for writing emails to strangers that won’t send them shrieking into the night winds. With these tips under your hat, you’ll be able to take on a whole new set of challenges and adventures, from applying for a job to seeking a boon from the fiendish spirits that drift at the edges of our natural world.
1) Use an email address that will strike fear into the hearts of men
Your email address is the first thing this stranger will learn about you. The last thing you want to do is look weak. Choose an email address that hints at dark and mystical forces beyond their ken. Your goal here is to make sure they are too frightened not to open your message.
Try to avoid using outdated email services like Hotmail or Yahoo. You’re not going to inspire support through intimidation with an email address like firstname.lastname@example.org. Try to stick with Gmail or some other reputable contemporary email service.
Purchasing a personalized domain can add an extra dash of professionalism that lets powerful entities know that you’re serious about your future. Find some way to associate your name with one of your traits or skills to help your email’s recipient start associating you with dark magicks from the moment your message arrives in their inbox.
2) Honor your subject with the highest salutations possible
Both potential employers and grim, powerful spectres require appeasement before they’ll even consider gifting you with their favor. Keep in mind that each of these entities are utterly indifferent and hold your fate in their gnarled, twisted grasps. Proceed accordingly.
- “Dear Exalted BloodBringr”
- “Beloved Hivemistress, God-Queen of the Known Galaxy”
- “Oh Dark Spectre, Destroyer of Worlds, HEAR ME”
- [5 crystal ball emojis and an explosion emoji]
- “To Whom it May Concern”
Confused about how to address the terrifying yet mysterious entity you’re attempting to call upon? Make sure to use a gender-neutral title and err on the side of giving your subject the highest accolades possible (for example, Dear Dr. Goredaemon instead of Mrs. Goredaemon).
3) Hold off on making commitments
Use precise wording to avoid swearing oaths that may compromise your integrity or survival. You want to ensure that you have the leverage to make other commitments if necessary. Promise everything and nothing. Remember that demons never keep their word.
I am available to start this position anytime in the next two weeks.
I am happy to discuss my availability sometime before my soul departs this fragile mortal coil for its final resting place.
On a related note: if your new business contact asks for a contract right away that includes your SSN, blood signature, or One True Name, turn them down. Any legitimate entity would wait until the details are ironed out before binding you in a life-long geas.
4) Perform a Dark Ritual to strike all emotion and tone from your request
If this powerful entity senses even a trace of yearning from the body of your email, they will not only discard your communication with them, but they may also blacklist you from time, space, and future employment listings. Keep in mind that malevolent arcane forces can detect all of your pathetic, mortal weaknesses and turn them on you in order to trick you into an unholy pact. Studies show that 99.8% of all email-based summonings fail when the invoker mentions their personal stake in the ritual’s success. Remind yourself as many times as you need to that dark and sinister demons don’t care about your feelings and check your emotions at the door.
5) If you do not hear back from your recipient and must try to follow up, do not follow up via email!
Following up via email is just another way to show weakness to a callous, unfeeling power. They will laugh at your naked vulnerability and summon other eldritch horrors to share in their delight at your pathetic ignorance. Their dark laughter will echo through the lower reaches of every hell until it seizes upon you, stopping your heart.
In all likelihood, if your message does not receive a response, things are probably better this way. Reconsider your reasons for sending your email in the first place and contemplate reaching out to a more benevolent source of power and/or employment. But if you absolutely have to exhaust every communication option before moving onto the next opportunity, reach out to your original recipient using the absolute gentlest, least-intrusive gesture you can think of. For example, try placing a single white candle in a paper boat and floating it down the cleanest river you can find. This will soften their obsidian hearts to you and may open the door to the boon you seek.
6) Ensure that your Second keeps a holy sword purified and ready to strike you down, should your potential employer / demonic overlord seize possession of your body at any point after reading your request
This is some pretty basic stuff, but always remember to put safety first. Never forget that when you gaze into the ethereal void, sometimes it gazes back into you.
If you follow these tips, you can look forward to siphoning away your life force in exchange for vast, primal power you can’t control and/or a slightly higher standard of living. As you wither into a soulless husk of your former self, you can at least take comfort in your meager 401K options or your ability to stay the same age for all eternity while everyone you love greets the cold embrace of death.
Do you have more hot tips about reaching out to terrifying ethereal forces?
Share them nowhere. You already know too much. Bury your secrets in your heart.