Modcloth Hell

God Bless This Mess

April 13, 2015 at 1:01 pm

There are a lot of things in this world that will always defy explanation:  Who are we? Why are we here? Why does Modcloth keep trying to bring camo back? These are questions we will get no closer to answering, but strap yourself in anyway. We’re going for a wild ride to take a look at the best of the worst and the worst of the best of what Modcloth has to offer.

Nearly all of the following items are currently in stock (in some sizes) so get those credit cards out, ladiessssss.

Before we get started, please note: POMEmag loves Modcloth. Both POMEmag founders have spent an undisclosed yet ridiculous amount of money on Modcloth so everything below is only possible because of our deep, unconditional love, no matter how many weird secret zippers and cutouts they sneak onto sweaters I will ultimately buy, can’t return, regret, and wear anyway.

Anyway, you guys get it. Disclaimer over.

 

Clothes Your Eyes Tee: $39.99 $19.99

Modcloth Hell eyeball boob shirt

 

  • jeepers creepers, check out those peepers

Modcloth Hell eye boob shirt review

  • I really have no idea what you were expecting

 

Start from Patch Dress: $139.99

Modcloth Hell patch dress

  • It’s so environmentally friendly of Modcloth to avoid wasting fabric by stitching all the excess together into one garment
  • oh my god
  • wait
  • $139.99
  • $139.99
  • $139.99?????!?!?

 

Expressive Indeed Dress: $84.99 $25.99

Modcloth Hell floral flannel nightmare

  • I can understand doing this to plaids, but why would anyone ever do this to florals. Florals, you deserve better than this.
  • I am just going to point out that this dress wasn’t on sale when I took the screenshot

 

My Little Pretty Tunic: $42.99

modcloth hell my little pony tunic

  • For the retro hipster brony in your life

 

Ta Ta for Meow Tee: $34.99

Modcloth Hell cat shirt

  • At first it looked like just another Modcloth collage tee but look at those cats. Look at them.
  • Their faces are eerily human
  • aughhhhhhh

Modcloth Hell cat shirt closeup

  • These cats were sucked into this shirt using some kind of black magic. That’s why their faces are frozen in horror.

Modcloth Hell cat shirt closeup magnified x2

  • Please note the chimera of pieces of cat around the collar
  • They know they have been wronged and they see everything. They see it all, coldly, indifferently, waiting for the day that they can take their vengeance. And they are coming. You must make sure they never get free.

 

Irregular Choice Forever Panda Day Heel: $184.99

Modcloth Hell panda shoe

  • From Rachel: “Fashion statement, or hamfisted metaphor?”
  • Is that metaphor intensified by the fact that you’re literally grinding the panda into the dirt with every step you take?

 

Edgy Does It Top: $29.99

Modcloth Hell hole-y shirt

  • “Hey Steve, this whole pallet of shirts fell into a vat of battery acid; I guess we better recycle them.” “No….it’ll be fine. Where do you think they’re going, Banana Republic? It’s fine.”

 

Pizza Pie in the Sky Top: $24.99

Modcloth Hell pizza cat tank

  • “What’s our demographic? Hold on, let’s check tumblr.”
  • I’m just impressed that they managed to get cats, pizza, and galaxy print all on the same shirt. All it needs is a zombie and a peplum and it will represent the entire zeitgeist of the last five years in one article of clothing.
  • Two out of two POMEmag founders would wear this shirt all the time though so their market research is very effective.

 

Jaw Drop the Beat Jumpsuit: $49.99

Modcloth Hell skull onesie

  • Perfect for those cold, rainy Sundays where you want to get cozy, but you also want your loins to look like a terrifying jack-o-lantern
  • gap-toothed vagina dentata needs braces
  • “gap-toothed vagina dentata” would be a hella metal name for a band

 

Give Me a Caliente Top: $49.99 $34.99

Modcloth Hell tapatio top

  • This shirt speaks to me. It says, “I am going to tell you where you can get the real Mexican food” and then takes you to a Torchy’s.
  • Alternatively: “We couldn’t think of a design so we just made collages out of everything in our line of vision: Hot sauce collage. Half-empty fast food cup collage. Tampon box collage. Half-eaten donut collage. Bug bomb collage.”
  • I hope Tapatio is getting royalties for this

 

A Font Farewell Top: $29.99

Modcloth Hell font shirt

  • Comic sans joke
  • Papyrus joke
  • This shirt is a billboard that lets you know that the person you’re about to talk to is kind of a pompous dickhead or taking an intro to design class or both.
  • From Rachel: “We get it. We all already know about this font. We’ve all seen the documentary no one cares shut up.

 

Canoe Handle This? Romper in Pebble: $44.99

Modcloth Hell meemaw onesie

  • My stepgrandma has a pink terrycloth version of this, but hers is sleeveless so it’s a little less dowdy. I can’t find a picture so you guys are gonna have to take my word for it.

 

To Be Franco One-Piece Swimsuit$115.99

Modcloth Hell jason franko swimsuit

  • See also: this shirt. these leggings. these socks.
  • “You haven’t lived until you’ve had James Franco plastered all across your nethers and all the way up your buttcrack” said no one. No one has ever said that. 
  • The back of this swimsuit is very not safe for work. I am not putting the picture here; you will need to go the extra mile if you’re so interested in seeing a hot lady’s butt that you’re ok with the cacophony of Franco covering just under half of it.
  • Good for her tho, not a lot of people could wear this confusingly-cut swimsuit without looking like too much sausage stuffed into too small of a casing.

 

Jeffrey Campbell Stride Bright, Stride Far Wedge: $264.99

Modcloth Hell barbie shoes

  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

14 MCH 01

  • why
  • why
  • why
  • why
  • why
  • $264.99 seriously????
  • Five stars and five reviews?
  • Let this sink in: at the very least, five people have spent $264.99 on a pair of disembodied-Barbie-head shoes.
  • is there another pair of shoes that makes use of the rest of the body a la the “Start from Patch” Dress?
  • Try not to picture a dress made out of beheaded Barbie bodies. The force of your dark imagination will only give Modcloth ideas.

Modcloth Hell barbie shoes heel

  • I love to see you go but I hate to watch you walk away because your haunting stare will follow me around for the rest of my life

Modcloth Hell barbie shoes side

  • what did they do with all of the bodies
  • WHAT DID THEY DO WITH ALL OF THE BODIES
  • American Horror Story: Modcloth

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!