Move Over Summer, Autumn Is Waiting
September 19, 2017 at 11:02 am
Now that September is finally here, you might be wondering where the heck autumn is. Shouldn’t we be pulling out scarves and boots instead of wearing as little clothing as possible and crying in front of an ever-growing fan collection? Sadly, summer and its sweaty fingers are still holding on strong–but there’s a cool breeze on the horizon! Aside from the sun beginning to feel a little less like the eye of Sauron, here are a few ways to tell that autumn is starting to gain some ground:
1. The autumnal staple and overly Instagrammed pumpkin spice latte (PSL), beloved by sorority girls and the D-list monsters of Spectrum commercials, has finally returned to Starbucks.
2. People are aghast when they see others wearing white post-Labor Day, because that clothing rule is somehow still a thing.
3. Small talk begins with “So how ’bout them [sports team of your choice]?”
4. Arts and crafts stores have seventeen aisles devoted to decorative gourds and autumnal wreaths.
5. School has started and school zone speed limits are once again destroying your gas mileage and wreaking havoc on your perfectly timed commute.
6. Spirit Halloween stores are already setting up and advertising sexy Minion costumes.
7. You can never remember where you heard it, but “Werewolf Bar Mitvah” gets stuck in your head with concerning regularity.
8. Your friends suggest pulling out a glow-in-the-dark ouija board and trying to contact their great-great-great-great grandaddy who may or may not have been a serial killer.
9. There’s always a hint of woodfire smoke on the air.
10. Now that the latest Game of Thrones season is over, everyone is talking about film award season and how you really should see this movie that will emotionally guilt-trip you until you are tiny pieces on the floor, ready to be collected by theater staff at the end of the film.
11. Netflix pushes horror movies to the top of your recommendations.
12. Blue Apron sends recipes that require four burners at once and long cooking times in the oven.
13. Outlander is back and people are complaining there’s not enough sex.
14. You tell yourself not to worry, but your cat has started hissing at nothing and your bedroom door keeps creaking open.
15. People are dressing for the weather they want, which is why heatstroke cases have gone up 666% and you’re finding abandoned, sweat-soaked sweaters on your favorite brunch spot’s patio.
16. The radio is now 80 percent screams of people “enjoying” themselves at haunted houses and 20 percent Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.”
17. People have started carrying swords and you’re not sure if they’re LARPing, really ready for Halloween, or taking advantage of Texas’s new open-carry law.
18. Your landlord swears the building isn’t haunted, but blood has started seeping from the walls again.
It may only feel like autumn right now if you close your eyes and pretend, but eventually summer will give way. And when it does, have your fingerless gloves, sweaters, and sage burning kit ready to celebrate.