Reasons Why I Haven’t Caught Up On Comics and Can’t Talk to You About Them
Ashley Gallagher
My mortgage payment went up by like $200 and that was basically the comics money, and then some
I’m not downloading comics to keep up, not because of Principles but because I’m Lazy and Aging Out of Understanding Technology Way Sooner Than Anyone Anticipated
My dog literally won’t stop peeing on my comics
My comics literally won’t stop peeing on my dog and they need to be alone to think about what they’ve done
My husband had a dream about working with Leslie Knope on a passion project and that’s just so cute that a part of my brain exploded and it’s the part that knows what even is “comics,” do you mean, like, graphic novels?
I’m experiencing a second adolescence, which means I’m denying myself the things that bring me genuine joy in favor of living up to the expectations of just about anyone who shows enough interest in me to so much as learn my name
I’ve never actually read comics before, I’ve been faking it for years to impress a literal bridge troll, but I’m sick of the lies and need to come clean
I’ve read The Secret and the Necronomicon and convinced myself that if I think positively and make a large enough sacrifice (reading comics) I can ensure that Donald Trump will be defeated by Beyoncé and Carly Rae Jepsen in the 2016 U.S. presidential election
I made an ultimately mundane and insignificant choice and shifted into an alternate timeline where I don’t have ingrown toenails and all my comics drowned in a hurricane
My comics turned into a majestic crystal-plumed bird and I don’t believe in cages
I’m boycotting comics because they’re too men
I’m boycotting comics because they’re too white people
I’m boycotting comics because I told them that I really, really liked them ever since middle school and they told me they just wanted to stay friends
My comics are too old for childish things like being read and would rather do something cool and mature, like depreciate in value until they crumble into dust
