Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 16: “Primary Colors.” Join us to speculate about how many evil nuns one can shoehorn into any given teen soap opera, the general attractiveness of the Jones Men, and how much crime you can do before you kinda have to just admit you signed on to do crimes.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
CC: so, wow
this episode
was really, uh
something
Jenny: a lot happened
Rachel: so much
CC: so can I get something off my chest right out the gate?
Jenny: do it
CC: I am really starting to believe that this writer’s room has no idea why for-profit private prisons are bad
“they’re bad because, uh….well, there are so many reasons; I will enumerate on the many reasons in the essay below, which expounds upon the reasons in which private prisons are bad and are even, in fact, detrimental to society. uh, how many more words do I need????”
–this writer’s room
Jenny: i believe it
they just throw molly ringwald at us as a distraction
CC: bless her for getting closer than anyone else
in touching on why a PENAL COLONY in riverdale is a bad idea!
Rachel: I really did like her digging into Archie like that
drag him, Molly
Jenny: local mom tells it like it fucking is
CC: as one of my ships sank this episode, I am glad to have another to replace it (b&v and the andrews parents, respectively)
Jenny: i mean, b&v can’t be fully sunk
maybe sprung a leak
but patchable
idk if i could keep watching otherwise [insert image “gay?”]
Rachel: yeah jesus
V has to do something
right?? (right?????)
Jenny: right.
CC: ^^ jenny rn
(the captain from Titanic)
Jenny: ????
but also
nvm yeah fair
speaking of ships
CC: Y E S
Jenny: she is
VERY FAMILIAR
with how alluring the Jones men are
CC: get it alice!!!!
Rachel: I’m so glad
CC: also SO GLAD she shut down the very idea that chick is FP‘s kid
like right out the damn gate
Rachel: yeah fucking bullet dodged
Jenny: necessary
CC: bless her
aside from her weird blind spot about chick, she was better than expected in many ways this ep imo
Jenny: i think a lot of that was bc she talked about her weird blind spot about chic
like, i appreciate that she acknowledges it
but also
fuck that guy
CC: maybe chick is tallboy’s kid
Jenny: i was thinking it
but also: gross
Rachel: ughhhhh
CC: tallboy & smolboy
Jenny: lololololol
only okay if they make that joke
CC: so, with molly ringwald coming back
y’all think they will finally cast jellybean?
round out all the missing cannon??
Rachel: god I fucking hope so!!!!
Jenny: i mean, we all know that ally sheedy is jug’s mom
but yes we need a cast for jellybean
CC: on a side note
I’d like to talk about barb
I mean, uh
whatever her name is in this show
Jenny: ethel
CC: how did V wrong her again???
Jenny: idk — i think it was more of a “i recognized last season that your actions are separate from those of your parents, but i’m choosing to forget that development right now so i can do a dramatic thing to represent social pressure which will motivate V to have any plot points this ep”
but also
Jenny: same
CC: esp kevin!!!!!
Rachel: Kevin is too pure for this town
confessing to his catfishing scheme cause he felt bad
ilu Kevin
CC: I guess literally the most chick has ever resembled a human being is when he was talking to kevin
Jenny: i really want to get back to storylines with him in it
i was p bummed when he was like “idk if i could date someone named Fang”
i feel like this writers room is trying too hard to control the ships
like, just let it happen, guys
they just take too much in-show time to address the fan theories
(ex: alice saying chic’s not fp’s kid)
but mostly i just want to see that josie-themed musical
CC: yea def
also kevin nails any scene where they give him anything to do
Jenny: he deserves more than just being the guy filming the things on this phone
unless that turns into a HUGE plot point at the end where kev’s documentary totally kicks the shit out of jug’s novel
CC: but ALSO speaking of josie!!! that josie/ethel ultimate team-up oh my god
Jenny: they did a great job
CC: i did think it was a little fishy that she was down to mend her problems with V over a bravo celebrity cameo????
so even though generally I have loved V until recently-ish, I appreciated the Turn this plot took
Jenny: same!
v has been p shitty lately and it’s nice to see that her actions have consequences
Rachel: yes!! they finally sort of touched on why she’s doing what she’s doing
“to keep her parents straight”
but like, girrrllll
how did you think this was going to go
CC: yeah she has been downright enthusiastic to help them with their nonsense
like: she hasn’t offered to bury any bodies but the way she’s been going I’d be surprised if she didn’t at least pick up the tarp on the way home
Jenny: at the same time, i feel like hermione has really been turning things around
like, she’s not great, objectively
but i’ve started sympathizing w her
and being excited about when she stands up for v
Rachel: oh man, I don’t know
I feel like she’s really just… using her daughter
like maybe she feels for V, but it’s not stopping her from turning 2 teens into baby mobsters
Jenny: i mean — fair; mostly i think she’s been feeling worse about it than hiram does, but maybe that bar is just too low
Rachel: hahaha also true
Hiram continues to be the Worst Dad
CC: I personally think Smithers might not be a good judge of character
i trusted you, Smithers!
Jenny: “unequivocally” my ass
CC: but then again, I trusted u because you looked wizened but I guess that never meant u had to be wise
Jenny: but you know who IS a good dad
CC: share 2 save a life
Rachel: I love him
Jenny: “i won’t tell anyone you broke your hunger strike”
just wants to take care of his son bc he loves him
CC: never expected FP to win the Riverdale’s Greatest Dad mug
Jenny: nothing says “Good Dad” like threatening teenagers
Rachel: when he got in Archie’s face, I was so proud
CC: god
Archie and V both
“yea! I’m totes down 2 do crimes”
“oh nooo why are there consequences for me getting away with crimes???”
Jenny: i mean, true — i don’t really like anyone right now
only fp
only fp and molly ringwald
Rachel: also Toni
TT!!
so cute
Rachel: I was so excited for them to ~*~ kiss ~*~
Jenny: goddamn writers room
denying me “WHAT I CRAVED”
CC: G O D
Rachel: lol I’m here for it
CC: the literal content i crave
OK SO
i have been dreading getting to the cheryl plot bc
1) there is So Much to unpack but also
2) I really really REALLY hope this isn’t an excuse to brainwash cheryl into undoing all her beautiful & gay character development
if she comes back 2 riverdale and is cruel to toni i will die
Rachel: oh god
I’ll quit
I’ll quit this dang show forever
I will run as student council president against this show
CC: i’d vote for you
i’ll make all the buttons
i don’t have any evil mob money but i’ll do it
Rachel: I mean, if they’re going to go down this path, I hope it’s to demonize conversion therapy
and not fetishize it or use it as a plot device
I’ll be so, so mad
CC: I HOPE THEY KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, AT LEAST
I am NOT HERE for any more “uh, this thing is evil because, uh, reasons????”
Jenny: yeah the pigtails were a red flag — shame on you, costume department
CC: g r o s s
BOO
Rachel: I am not here for this
CC: also: this that the same place the coopers sent polly????
or are these different evil nuns
Jenny: p sure
i think the same
Rachel: there has to be a limited number of evil nuns
CC: i guess on the bright side, polly spent like 3 years with evil nuns and she turned out just fine
Jenny: true
also, i know i am on record as saying i wanted more evil nuns, but not like this [insert image “waves of horror…at what cost!”
Rachel: lol
I want like, righteous, vengeful, lechuza-style nuns
where they bring down abusive men
Jenny: make this show into that show
CC: x2
I am usually here for nuns of all kinds but this….this is not what I wanted
I think the worst way cheryl’s plot can go is her coming back to riverdale and being at all mean or indifferent to TT
but the best way it can go is Toni and a bunch of serpents riding up on that nunnery and busting cheryl out
vuvelini style
Jenny: i need that
Rachel: IF THAT HAPPENS
I WILL DIE
BUT LIKE, IN A GOOD WAY
CC: i will die either way but if that happens i will go to heaven
gay soap opera heaven
Jenny: so, we kind of skipped to the end re: cheryl and i’d like to rewind a little — to appreciate the Everything about her/this Mandatory Slumber Party
Rachel: the synchronized hair brushing
Jenny: like, i was so ready for them to kill a man
CC: i feel like i did sleepovers so wrong as a teen
after watching this
Rachel: I never owned a single fancy dressing gown as a youth
Jenny: i still haven’t but god i’m changing that asap
CC: same
i don’t even know where to start!
Rachel: I have a fancy one I got that used to be my mom’s
I don’t think I’ve ever worn it but hold on, I’m about to literally go put it on
Jenny: do it!!
CC: does a fancy slip count? or do you need a nice matching robe for it to count as a dressing gown?
Jenny: i am unsure of the rules
but i think i’m picturing a robe
Rachel: I … don’t know enough about fancy slumber party etiquette to say
but yeah agreed
let’s all get robes!!
Jenny: yes!
CC: there is def a void in the market
i guess if this whole content thing doesn’t work out, might i suggest fancy dressing gown boutique as our next business venture
Jenny: a great idea
Rachel: +1
Jenny: we can grow esoteric herbs in the back
Rachel: woah ok in this image
can we talk about Cheryl’s shrine to the outfit she wore during that pivotal moment last season??
CC: i love her
Jenny: to be preserved as a testament to her power
CC: i wish my brand had been this strong as a teen
i mean, i wish I’d had a brand worth preserving in a shrine
Rachel: I thought it was all burnt up but maybe she got it repaired/cleaned?
CC: maybe she has a bunch of them
backup dramatic outfits
in case of fires, etc
Rachel: the costume/set departments continues to be the only ones giving a shit
Jenny: further example:
Jenny: i want to live here forever
Rachel: you gotta love a table where there are no chairs on one side, blocking everybody’s views
but also, yes, for real, I need to live in this greenhouse
Jenny: gotta love stacking a fancy window against a regular window
CC: natural light for all the evil plants
god that reminds me
i don’t know what unholy blood magic the blossoms are doing but these women are indestructible
nana rose is like 1000 years old and is just sleeping off that spinal injury and poisoning
Jenny: fucking tannis root
murder grandma will never die
but at least we saw the return of hot murse
Jenny: a doctor, apparently
what’s the male version of doctor?
mockter
dicktor
CC: dr spaceman over here
either gullible or on the blossom payroll
Rachel: in this town, it’s hard to tell
Jenny: too busy believing in fake herbs to notice what’s going on around him
but i maintain that the hospital stole fred’s wallet at the start of this season, so maybe he is on someone’s payroll
no one ever found fred’s wallet, right?
like, that’s just another loose end no one’s bothered tying off?
Rachel: hold on wait
is tannis root… fake?????
????
Jenny: yeah it was made up for Rosemary’s Baby
Rachel: !!!!!!
Jenny: so now it’s just like, fictional short hand for demon witchery
Rachel: omg
I never knew
CC: i mean, it sounds like tannins, which is real, right? I was tricked
Jenny: p sure tannins are a real thing
Rachel: ok yes I googled it and tannins are real
CC: i think it’s a wine thing
(i say, drinking red wine right now)
Rachel: now I am doubting all the things
Jenny: but i have done extensive research on witches in media
mostly for my ~double features~
Rachel: lol bless u Jenny
Jenny: but yeah a while back jordan peele was on fresh air doing promo for Get Out, so he talked about the old Stepford Wives bc it was an influence, and then bc the guy who wrote Stepford also wrote Rosemary’s Baby they were talking about that and about tennis root; all of this to say i think he told terri gross that tannis root was fake and she was surprised too
CC: we’ve all been duped
Big Witchy getting into our heads
Jenny: honestly
sometimes i feel i’m going MAD AS THE SEA
Jenny: she’s perfect
CC: father’s pajamas
Jenny: i would not be surprised if claudius was fake and it was really clifford the whole time
Rachel: i keep waiting for that reveal
also, I’m confused
I thought that penelope was the blossom and clifford married in??
Jenny: i thought so too!
bc clifford had to wear the wig!
CC: they’re both blossoms
Rachel: oh no
oh noooooo
Jenny: oh wait
oh no
CC: i think they’re cousins?????? or????
Jenny: i mean
o k
CC: i mean idk
riverdale, everybody
$3 says claudius pulls off the white hair and there’s a bad wig underneath
like mirror universe riker pulling off the fake goatee
Jenny: wish i had a cap of alice storming into that will reading “that’s right I said incestuous”
CC: so, do y’all have anything else before we get to final thoughts?
Jenny: just that what the fuck even are the river vixens anyway
just “which teen can dance the sexiest”???
Jenny: my high school def did not have a sexy teen dance team
CC: if i have learned anything from watching bring it on too many times on high school marching band road trips, isn’t that what cheerleading is for???
Jenny: i forgot that they’re cheerleaders
i guess that makes more sense
Rachel: I mean, only kind of though
my takeaway is that now that Molly Ringwald is here to stay for a while, I’m ready for them to bring back the real star
Vegas
a very good boy
Jenny: YES
YESSSS
CC: YES!!!
a v fine Take, truly
my final thought is actually 2 theories
alice isn’t mad at betty for having sex with her long-term boyfriend
she’s mad that she would do so in such a low quality halloween wig
she would have bought betty a better wig in a heartbeat
Jenny: bless
CC: alternative theory: it’s jughead’s wig
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: i believe it
my final thought: ofc betty and chic are related
Jenny: no way they couldn’t be when we have all this teen-ass evidence
CC: alice: “i thought that murder was supposed to bring us closer together as a family!!!”
Jenny: lolololol
CC: “chic stop framing your sister for murder!”
Jenny: “shame on you two — blackmailing each other!”
CC: “you’re supposed to work together to blackmail OTHER people
what have i been teaching you two”
Jenny: that’s what Family is all about!
Rachel: lol
CC: gotta get that on a wall tapestry from a craft store
Jenny: gotta embroider that shit on a pillow
also
i know this may be going overboard on final things
but
Jenny: it took me forever to time this screenshot
everything about it is perfect
“for your mom”
Rachel: it deserves to be immortalized
Jenny: “[grunts]”
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale.