Riverdale Roundtable 16: “Primary Colors”

"Mumsy cultivates esoteric herbs in the conservatory."

March 28, 2018 at 12:00 pm

Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 16: “Primary Colors.” Join us to speculate about how many evil nuns one can shoehorn into any given teen soap opera, the general attractiveness of the Jones Men, and how much crime you can do before you kinda have to just admit you signed on to do crimes.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

 


 

CC: so, wow
this episode
was really, uh
something

Jenny: a lot happened

Rachel: so much

CC: so can I get something off my chest right out the gate?

Jenny: do it

CC: I am really starting to believe that this writer’s room has no idea why for-profit private prisons are bad
“they’re bad because, uh….well, there are so many reasons; I will enumerate on the many reasons in the essay below, which expounds upon the reasons in which private prisons are bad and are even, in fact, detrimental to society. uh, how many more words do I need????”
–this writer’s room

Jenny: i believe it
they just throw molly ringwald at us as a distraction

CC: bless her for getting closer than anyone else
in touching on why a PENAL COLONY in riverdale is a bad idea!

 

 

Rachel: I really did like her digging into Archie like that
drag him, Molly

 

Jenny: local mom tells it like it fucking is

CC: as one of my ships sank this episode, I am glad to have another to replace it (b&v and the andrews parents, respectively)

Jenny: i mean, b&v can’t be fully sunk
maybe sprung a leak
but patchable
idk if i could keep watching otherwise [insert image “gay?”]

Rachel: yeah jesus
V has to do something
right?? (right?????)

Jenny: right.

 

CC: ^^ jenny rn
(the captain from Titanic)

Jenny: 💯
but also
nvm yeah fair
speaking of ships

 

 

CC: Y E S

Jenny: she is
VERY FAMILIAR
with how alluring the Jones men are

CC: get it alice!!!!

Rachel: I’m so glad

CC: also SO GLAD she shut down the very idea that chick is FP‘s kid
like right out the damn gate

Rachel: yeah fucking bullet dodged

Jenny: necessary

CC: bless her
aside from her weird blind spot about chick, she was better than expected in many ways this ep imo

Jenny: i think a lot of that was bc she talked about her weird blind spot about chic
like, i appreciate that she acknowledges it
but also
fuck that guy

CC: maybe chick is tallboy’s kid

Jenny: i was thinking it
but also: gross

Rachel: ughhhhh

CC: tallboy & smolboy

Jenny: lololololol
only okay if they make that joke

CC: so, with molly ringwald coming back
y’all think they will finally cast jellybean?
round out all the missing cannon??

Rachel: god I fucking hope so!!!!

Jenny: i mean, we all know that ally sheedy is jug’s mom
but yes we need a cast for jellybean

CC: on a side note
I’d like to talk about barb
I mean, uh
whatever her name is in this show

Jenny: ethel

 

 

CC: how did V wrong her again???

Jenny: idk — i think it was more of a “i recognized last season that your actions are separate from those of your parents, but i’m choosing to forget that development right now so i can do a dramatic thing to represent social pressure which will motivate V to have any plot points this ep”
but also

 

 

Jenny: same

CC: esp kevin!!!!!

Rachel: Kevin is too pure for this town
confessing to his catfishing scheme cause he felt bad
ilu Kevin

CC: I guess literally the most chick has ever resembled a human being is when he was talking to kevin

Jenny: i really want to get back to storylines with him in it
i was p bummed when he was like “idk if i could date someone named Fang”
i feel like this writers room is trying too hard to control the ships
like, just let it happen, guys
they just take too much in-show time to address the fan theories
(ex: alice saying chic’s not fp’s kid)
but mostly i just want to see that josie-themed musical

CC: yea def
also kevin nails any scene where they give him anything to do

Jenny: he deserves more than just being the guy filming the things on this phone
unless that turns into a HUGE plot point at the end where kev’s documentary totally kicks the shit out of jug’s novel

CC: but ALSO speaking of josie!!! that josie/ethel ultimate team-up oh my god

 

 

Jenny: they did a great job

CC: i did think it was a little fishy that she was down to mend her problems with V over a bravo celebrity cameo????
so even though generally I have loved V until recently-ish, I appreciated the Turn this plot took

Jenny: same!
v has been p shitty lately and it’s nice to see that her actions have consequences

Rachel: yes!! they finally sort of touched on why she’s doing what she’s doing
“to keep her parents straight”
but like, girrrllll
how did you think this was going to go

CC: yeah she has been downright enthusiastic to help them with their nonsense
like: she hasn’t offered to bury any bodies but the way she’s been going I’d be surprised if she didn’t at least pick up the tarp on the way home

Jenny: at the same time, i feel like hermione has really been turning things around
like, she’s not great, objectively
but i’ve started sympathizing w her
and being excited about when she stands up for v

 

 

Rachel: oh man, I don’t know
I feel like she’s really just… using her daughter
like maybe she feels for V, but it’s not stopping her from turning 2 teens into baby mobsters

Jenny: i mean — fair; mostly i think she’s been feeling worse about it than hiram does, but maybe that bar is just too low

Rachel: hahaha also true
Hiram continues to be the Worst Dad

CC: I personally think Smithers might not be a good judge of character
i trusted you, Smithers!

Jenny: “unequivocally” my ass

CC: but then again, I trusted u because you looked wizened but I guess that never meant u had to be wise

Jenny: but you know who IS a good dad

 

 

CC: share 2 save a life

Rachel: I love him

Jenny: “i won’t tell anyone you broke your hunger strike”
just wants to take care of his son bc he loves him

CC: never expected FP to win the Riverdale’s Greatest Dad mug

Jenny: nothing says “Good Dad” like threatening teenagers

Rachel: when he got in Archie’s face, I was so proud

CC: god
Archie and V both
“yea! I’m totes down 2 do crimes”
“oh nooo why are there consequences for me getting away with crimes???”

Jenny: i mean, true — i don’t really like anyone right now
only fp
only fp and molly ringwald

Rachel: also Toni
TT!!
so cute

 

 

Rachel: I was so excited for them to ~*~ kiss ~*~

 

Jenny: goddamn writers room
denying me “WHAT I CRAVED”

CC: G O D

Rachel: lol I’m here for it

CC: the literal content i crave
OK SO
i have been dreading getting to the cheryl plot bc
1) there is So Much to unpack but also
2) I really really REALLY hope this isn’t an excuse to brainwash cheryl into undoing all her beautiful & gay character development
if she comes back 2 riverdale and is cruel to toni i will die

Rachel: oh god
I’ll quit
I’ll quit this dang show forever
I will run as student council president against this show

CC: i’d vote for you
i’ll make all the buttons
i don’t have any evil mob money but i’ll do it

Rachel: I mean, if they’re going to go down this path, I hope it’s to demonize conversion therapy
and not fetishize it or use it as a plot device
I’ll be so, so mad

CC: I HOPE THEY KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, AT LEAST
I am NOT HERE for any more “uh, this thing is evil because, uh, reasons????”

Jenny: yeah the pigtails were a red flag — shame on you, costume department

CC: g r o s s
BOO

Rachel: I am not here for this

CC: also: this that the same place the coopers sent polly????
or are these different evil nuns

Jenny: p sure
i think the same

Rachel: there has to be a limited number of evil nuns

CC: i guess on the bright side, polly spent like 3 years with evil nuns and she turned out just fine

Jenny: true
also, i know i am on record as saying i wanted more evil nuns, but not like this [insert image “waves of horror…at what cost!”

Rachel: lol
I want like, righteous, vengeful, lechuza-style nuns
where they bring down abusive men

Jenny: make this show into that show

CC: x2
I am usually here for nuns of all kinds but this….this is not what I wanted
I think the worst way cheryl’s plot can go is her coming back to riverdale and being at all mean or indifferent to TT
but the best way it can go is Toni and a bunch of serpents riding up on that nunnery and busting cheryl out
vuvelini style

Jenny: i need that

Rachel: IF THAT HAPPENS
I WILL DIE
BUT LIKE, IN A GOOD WAY

CC: i will die either way but if that happens i will go to heaven
gay soap opera heaven

Jenny: so, we kind of skipped to the end re: cheryl and i’d like to rewind a little — to appreciate the Everything about her/this Mandatory Slumber Party

Rachel: the synchronized hair brushing

 

 

Jenny: like, i was so ready for them to kill a man

CC: i feel like i did sleepovers so wrong as a teen
after watching this

Rachel: I never owned a single fancy dressing gown as a youth

Jenny: i still haven’t but god i’m changing that asap

CC: same
i don’t even know where to start!

Rachel: I have a fancy one I got that used to be my mom’s
I don’t think I’ve ever worn it but hold on, I’m about to literally go put it on

Jenny: do it!!

CC: does a fancy slip count? or do you need a nice matching robe for it to count as a dressing gown?

Jenny: i am unsure of the rules
but i think i’m picturing a robe

Rachel: I … don’t know enough about fancy slumber party etiquette to say
but yeah agreed
let’s all get robes!!

Jenny: yes!

CC: there is def a void in the market
i guess if this whole content thing doesn’t work out, might i suggest fancy dressing gown boutique as our next business venture

Jenny: a great idea

Rachel: +1

Jenny: we can grow esoteric herbs in the back

 

 

Rachel: woah ok in this image
can we talk about Cheryl’s shrine to the outfit she wore during that pivotal moment last season??

CC: i love her

Jenny: to be preserved as a testament to her power

CC: i wish my brand had been this strong as a teen
i mean, i wish I’d had a brand worth preserving in a shrine

Rachel: I thought it was all burnt up but maybe she got it repaired/cleaned?

CC: maybe she has a bunch of them
backup dramatic outfits
in case of fires, etc

Rachel: the costume/set departments continues to be the only ones giving a shit

Jenny: further example:

 

 

 

Jenny: i want to live here forever

Rachel: you gotta love a table where there are no chairs on one side, blocking everybody’s views
but also, yes, for real, I need to live in this greenhouse

Jenny: gotta love stacking a fancy window against a regular window

CC: natural light for all the evil plants
god that reminds me
i don’t know what unholy blood magic the blossoms are doing but these women are indestructible
nana rose is like 1000 years old and is just sleeping off that spinal injury and poisoning

Jenny: fucking tannis root
murder grandma will never die
but at least we saw the return of hot murse

 

 

Jenny: a doctor, apparently
what’s the male version of doctor?
mockter
dicktor

CC: dr spaceman over here
either gullible or on the blossom payroll

Rachel: in this town, it’s hard to tell

Jenny: too busy believing in fake herbs to notice what’s going on around him
but i maintain that the hospital stole fred’s wallet at the start of this season, so maybe he is on someone’s payroll
no one ever found fred’s wallet, right?
like, that’s just another loose end no one’s bothered tying off?

Rachel: hold on wait
is tannis root… fake?????
😮

Jenny: yeah it was made up for Rosemary’s Baby

Rachel: !!!!!!

Jenny: so now it’s just like, fictional short hand for demon witchery

Rachel: omg
I never knew

CC: i mean, it sounds like tannins, which is real, right? I was tricked

Jenny: p sure tannins are a real thing

Rachel: ok yes I googled it and tannins are real

CC: i think it’s a wine thing
(i say, drinking red wine right now)

Rachel: now I am doubting all the things

Jenny: but i have done extensive research on witches in media
mostly for my ~double features~

Rachel: lol bless u Jenny

Jenny: but yeah a while back jordan peele was on fresh air doing promo for Get Out, so he talked about the old Stepford Wives bc it was an influence, and then bc the guy who wrote Stepford also wrote Rosemary’s Baby they were talking about that and about tennis root; all of this to say i think he told terri gross that tannis root was fake and she was surprised too

CC: we’ve all been duped
Big Witchy getting into our heads

Jenny: honestly
sometimes i feel i’m going MAD AS THE SEA

 

 

Jenny: she’s perfect

CC: father’s pajamas

Jenny: i would not be surprised if claudius was fake and it was really clifford the whole time

Rachel: i keep waiting for that reveal
also, I’m confused
I thought that penelope was the blossom and clifford married in??

Jenny: i thought so too!
bc clifford had to wear the wig!

CC: they’re both blossoms

Rachel: oh no
oh noooooo

Jenny: oh wait
oh no

CC: i think they’re cousins?????? or????

Jenny: i mean
o k

CC: i mean idk
riverdale, everybody
$3 says claudius pulls off the white hair and there’s a bad wig underneath
like mirror universe riker pulling off the fake goatee

Jenny: wish i had a cap of alice storming into that will reading “that’s right I said incestuous”

CC: so, do y’all have anything else before we get to final thoughts?

Jenny: just that what the fuck even are the river vixens anyway
just “which teen can dance the sexiest”???

 

 

Jenny: my high school def did not have a sexy teen dance team

CC: if i have learned anything from watching bring it on too many times on high school marching band road trips, isn’t that what cheerleading is for???

Jenny: i forgot that they’re cheerleaders
i guess that makes more sense

Rachel: I mean, only kind of though
my takeaway is that now that Molly Ringwald is here to stay for a while, I’m ready for them to bring back the real star
Vegas
a very good boy

Jenny: YES
YESSSS

CC: YES!!!
a v fine Take, truly
my final thought is actually 2 theories
alice isn’t mad at betty for having sex with her long-term boyfriend
she’s mad that she would do so in such a low quality halloween wig
she would have bought betty a better wig in a heartbeat

Jenny: bless

CC: alternative theory: it’s jughead’s wig

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: i believe it
my final thought: ofc betty and chic are related

 

 

Jenny: no way they couldn’t be when we have all this teen-ass evidence

CC: alice: “i thought that murder was supposed to bring us closer together as a family!!!”

Jenny: lolololol

CC: “chic stop framing your sister for murder!”

Jenny: “shame on you two — blackmailing each other!”

CC: “you’re supposed to work together to blackmail OTHER people
what have i been teaching you two”

Jenny: that’s what Family is all about!

Rachel: lol

CC: gotta get that on a wall tapestry from a craft store

Jenny: gotta embroider that shit on a pillow
also
i know this may be going overboard on final things
but

 

 

Jenny: it took me forever to time this screenshot
everything about it is perfect
“for your mom”

Rachel: it deserves to be immortalized

Jenny: “[grunts]”

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.