Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 episode 6: “Death Proof.” Catch our Riverdale drift & join us for Cheryl-worship and even more gals being even better pals.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Jenny: ok so i would like to begin by saying that despite its many faults, this episode really delivered for me
1. thistlehouse/cheryl
2. b/v reconciliation
3. fp returns
lotta content
all at once
CC: truly
horse ebooks dot jpg
i truly appreciated so much about this episode but mostly it was cheryl, it’s always cheryl; cheryl is love; cheryl is life
Jenny: also this grease shit
CC: rachel i think the riverdale crew read “grease but gay” and decided to adapt ur vision their own way
Jenny: i mean clearly they’re reading our roundtables
bc i finally got this daytime thistlehouse
CC: also: this cronecrate ass book cheryl is reading
Jenny: idk but i love it
i know betty was reading silence of the lambs at the end
Rachel: if they were inspired by grease but gay I’ll just die
Jenny: i mean look
Jenny: derisive bisexual toni topaz
the ideal
CC: this is what peak performance looks like
u might not like it but it’s not here to make friends
Rachel: ok but cheryl, our queen
Jenny: honestly
CC: [smoldering intensifies]
Rachel: she looked so good this episode
Jenny: cheryl is at her best when full of righteous indignation
Rachel: hell yeah
all of her outfits were so great too
that grease outfit with the jacket
Jenny: AND THE GLASSES
CC: people say redheads can’t wear red but like, not only is that a lie but
like it’s a dumb beauty convention & also False
sometimes i wonder if cheryl wears so much red as kind of a fuck you to that beauty convention
Jenny: i hope so; that sounds like something she’d do
CC: yeah exactly
look man it’s not Mad Men costuming or anything
where like, every pattern is a different complex set of subtextual theories
but i think the costume designer is doing Good Work
Jenny: agreed
two examples
CC: omg they went so hard on this angle
Rachel: YES
Jenny: v picking up trash in thigh-high boots was a real highlight i thought
CC: i like that all those teens in their messy 50s deconstruction town
dressed up for their straightforward 50s drag race
Rachel: Betty’s pants are so good
I want those pants
I also want to learn how to wear a bandana in my hair
Jenny: betty’s looks were GR9! the overalls killed me
Rachel: THOSE OVERALLS
I’ve never wanted to kiss betty so much
CC: apparently this is from the comics! I didn’t realize that she was a mechanic
Jenny: it came up in season 1
v briefly
CC: i don’t really know why they had jughead and archie, who apparently just learned to drive when his dad got shot
to do this thing
Jenny: literally neither of them have drivers licenses
CC: what an idea these boys had
Jenny: i mean it was fp’s idea
if i were stuck in prison
this is the kind of shit i’d start
CC: i mean fair
i wanted to have more of a question but, i can’t stand bargain bin james franco or any of the other ghoulies
Jenny: that ethan hawke looking motherfucker
i hate him
evolve or die???
please die
CC: “your SKANKS”
“sorry we didn’t hear that”
“oh I’m sorry I SAID, YOUR SKAAAAANKS”
“IN CASE U DIDNT HEAR ME I AM A MISOGYNIST”
Rachel: can he be next in the car accident line, after Nick??
Jenny: i mean he did get arrested
so that’s something
Rachel: that’s a good point
siigghhh
CC: u know this fucker’s driver’s license expired in 2007
Jenny: i AM pro-hiram’s “karma”
Rachel: yeah I don’t like Hiram but I do like how mad he got
CC: hiram was looking extra handsome this week
Rachel: wish he wasn’t such a turd in general
CC: that actor just has such a kind and handsome face that i don’t want 2 believe he’s evil
Jenny: he’s married to kelly ripa
so make of that what you will
i LOVED when Hermione stepped in here
Rachel: did you see her face when V was like “karma etc”????
like, she was kind of worried
V should not be excited about violence
Jenny: and then Hiram’s “checkmate”
he won v
in the chess
metaphor!
CC: it’s the creepy mary statue all over again
Jenny: and the creepy child portrait
CC: related tho:
hermione’s face when hiram made fun of alice
Jenny: honestly
that got me
CC: the couple who makes fun of haters together plots murders together
Jenny: “accidents” i think you mean
CC: nick st clair got into a typo on the freeway
is what i mean
Jenny: lololol
Rachel: must have been texting and driving
because that’s the kind of shit bag he is
CC: rachel you brought up a good point re: v
so v tells betty that she wouldn’t have felt bad about selling nick out to the black hood
but earlier, she didn’t tell her parents about him trying to assault her because she thought hiram would kill him
is this a plot hole, or does she just not want her evil pops 2 be the murderer?
i think we’re supposed to believe the latter but i think it’s a plot hole lol
Jenny: i mean she said she “didn’t want nick’s blood on her hands or her father’s hands”
so i think it’s a personal thing
doesn’t want to be too close to it
for deniability reasons
the law
CC: ohhhh true
i guess also if it’s him or u, v’s not gonna lose sleep about it probably
Jenny: right
CC: so i took a Great screenshot of our 2 favorite galpals this episode
Jenny: !!!
!!!!!!!!!
Rachel: LOL
Jenny: ICONS
CC: riverdale is a gay anime adapted into a live action drama & i will never believe otherwise
Jenny: this scene warmed my cold heart
Rachel: I was so relieved when Bets came clean
Jenny: me too!
CC: that scene!!!!
was so good!!!!
Jenny: FORGIVENESS!! Can you IMAGINE!! FORGIVENESS!!
CC: I 100% believed that v would be like uh obviously some weird ass shit is happening because My Bestie B Who Is Also The Best would never betray me
i mean [implied] but still
Rachel: ok also I know we’ve been shitting on Jug
and he’s still messing up
BUT
I was glad that he didn’t like, demand some crazy tribute or drama from Betty
CC: I know!!!!
Rachel: offscreen she came clean, and it was fine
Jenny: it was handled really well i think!
Rachel: like we already did the redemption scene with V
which was more important
so we didn’t need to see it with Jug
Jenny: proof positive that he is not as bad as he could be (which is all we can really ask of men?)
Rachel: but I’m glad jug wasn’t a brat and like UGHHH NOOO I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOUUUUUUU
CC: imo this show has a good sense for which beats we care about seeing
and knows we don’t want to see 5 different forgiveness scenes
god bless
Rachel: ok here’s another question
are Josie and Reg gonna bang
CC: yes
Rachel: I SAW HER EYEING HIM UP
LIKE A HUNK OF MEAT
she was like “I will destroy you”
CC: the idiot who thinks going to someone’s house disguised as the murderer who tries to kill ur dad is a fun prank
Rachel: lol
yeah he sucks
BUT
I love the idea of Josie, being so tiny and petite but also not putting up with any bullshit ever is like “I’ll fucking destroy you Reg, you will grovel at my feet”
except, with her eyes
she says it with her eyes
CC: i think it’s funny that he thinks he can go toe to toe with her
like lol u peasant
who do u think ur talking to
i mean he knows but does he Know
Rachel: RIGHT
she is going to use him and then ground him into the dust
she likes her men soft, strong, and disposable
sorry I just wanted to use a Clue quote
Jenny: never apologize for clue
honestly
CC: so there is a scene i wanna talk about
Rachel: oh man
CC: ngl i legit teared up
“CARE ABOUT ME MORE”
Rachel: this scene was rough but also kind of weird
like I was so into this scene until I remembered that time that Cheryl deprived her mom of oxygen
which was a legit boss ass move but also not really the kind of thing that I can connect to any sort of emotional gesture here
does that make sense??? it just doesn’t jive with me
each scene is individually good
but together they’re weird
dissonant
CC: i mean i get it
i think this weird ass family has done so many tremendously terrible things to each other
that it’s all just layers
like those russian cakes that are all just sheets of pastries on top of each other
but with trauma instead
Jenny: i think this whole show functions on the idea that you don’t really remember what happened two episodes ago, much less the start of the season
CC: i think jenny is right lol
BUT
i think cheryl’s mom seems remarkably unphased by cheryl threatening her life lol
like, she really didn’t miss an opportunity to imply that cheryl deserved what happened to her
Rachel: I was so mad when her mom didn’t believe her
about the almost rape
I was screaming
Jenny: ughugh
Jenny: v loud
v upset
CC: i mean everything happened to cheryl
constantly!
[cries]
CC: except it’s cheryl
Jenny: ME
that’s going right in front of my desk!
CC: LOL
i mean
this family needed therapy and it still needs therapy
why can’t they be a nice well adjusted crime family like the lodges???
the lodges went to family therapy, is what i think; v def went to individual
Rachel: lol I wonder how you get that job
as the lodge therapist
Jenny: oof
probably discretion
CC: unrelated: how is this guy not british
CC: apparently this actor was the voice of ben 10????
Jenny: oh no
CC: either way he is not the mean one from a british pop band like i thought he had to be
Jenny: not enough repression to be british
Rachel: so do we have any updates to our murder theory??
Jenny: i still think it’s hal
CC: frankly i was so happy to get a break from the actual murderer
even tho we had 2 spend so much time w the stalker
Jenny: same
Rachel: do we still think it’s 2 people??
CC: OH DEF
100% 100% 100%
Jenny: hal & dilton?
was that what we’re working from?
Rachel: that was our last guess
CC: ya i think so too
the longer this goes on, the more i think betty’s stalker has a mega boner every time he talks to her & it’s gross
Jenny: this shit had me gagging
dryheaving
Rachel: UGH
CC: “i’m breathing down your neck”
BETTY UR NOT HELPING
Jenny: oh but betty was GReAT
she’s turning those tables
but also yeah he def hung up to go wack it
CC: ok true but admittedly i did not like that line
Jenny: fair
CC: man b & v really nailed that plan
well, sort of? i believe in them
Jenny: they are unstoppable
also this GEM
Jenny: murder me
Rachel: I love her
Jenny: she’s just so good
CC: s h e i s g r e a t
Rachel: ok time for final thoughts~~~
hit me with what you got
CC: my thought is FPPPPPP BREAK OUT OF PRISON this town needs you; i need you
Rachel: the hero we need!!!!
my takeaway is that these teens need to learn to communicate — Arch is just goin off and makin plans and not consulting anybody
like with those cops
just talk to each other you dummies!!!!
Jenny: ARCHIBALD! YOU ARE TOO SIMPLE FOR PLANS! Listen to V
Rachel: bless
Jenny: buts lbr
that plan turned out WAY better than mayor mccoy’s plan
adults are still terrible in this show/town
Rachel: that’s true
Jenny: my daughter took a drug!!
time to ARREST HALF THE TOWN
MASS ARRESTS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER FEEL SAFE AND LOVED
Rachel: let’s arrest some TEENS
that will fix the problem
Jenny: honestly
CC: storm the high school
not like, any of the seedy clubs where they keep the live snakes
Jenny: and the union jacks
and all those candles!
fire hazard
also
did y’all hear fp refer to the ghoulies as “fops”
what is this??
talk about Not British
these assholes
this ethan hawke, off-brand james franco motherfucker
CC: the ghoulies are that one guy u know who watches too much doctor who and says “quite” too much
Jenny: ughughughugh
talks about their college days as “uni”
CC: “i’m quite`~ parched” SHUT UR MOUTH U FUCKIN NERD
Jenny: ughughughughgugh
ooh i’ve got a takeaway
a little self indulgent
but bear w me
i need more thistlehouse
Jenny: i’m really into these black built-in bookcases???
didn’t think i’d like them but i do
Rachel: the whole aesthetic of this house is great!!!!
Jenny: my take away is: I NEED TO EMULATE THIS AESTHETIC IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE
I NEED MORE THISTLEHOUSE
CC: also it’s a CW show so this shit is probably all at target
Jenny: #Bless Target
<<Season 2 Premiere <Episode 5 Episode 7>
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.