Riverdale Roundtable 6: “Death Proof”

FORGIVENESS!! Can you IMAGINE!! FORGIVENESS!!

November 22, 2017 at 11:49 am

Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 episode 6: “Death Proof.” Catch our Riverdale drift & join us for Cheryl-worship and even more gals being even better pals.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!


Jenny: ok so i would like to begin by saying that despite its many faults, this episode really delivered for me
1. thistlehouse/cheryl
2. b/v reconciliation
3. fp returns
lotta content
all at once

CC: truly
horse ebooks dot jpg
i truly appreciated so much about this episode but mostly it was cheryl, it’s always cheryl; cheryl is love; cheryl is life

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- I LOVE

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- i love

 

Jenny: also this grease shit

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- these costume designers are doing god's work

 

CC: rachel i think the riverdale crew read “grease but gay” and decided to adapt ur vision their own way

Jenny: i mean clearly they’re reading our roundtables
bc i finally got this daytime thistlehouse

CC: also: this cronecrate ass book cheryl is reading

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- need this life

 

Jenny: idk but i love it
i know betty was reading silence of the lambs at the end

Rachel: if they were inspired by grease but gay I’ll just die

Jenny: i mean look

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- derisive bisexual icon toni topaz

 

Jenny: derisive bisexual toni topaz
the ideal

CC: this is what peak performance looks like
u might not like it but it’s not here to make friends

Rachel: ok but cheryl, our queen

Jenny: honestly

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- my god she looks so good

 

CC: [smoldering intensifies]

Rachel: she looked so good this episode

Jenny: cheryl is at her best when full of righteous indignation

Rachel: hell yeah
all of her outfits were so great too
that grease outfit with the jacket

Jenny: AND THE GLASSES

CC: people say redheads can’t wear red but like, not only is that a lie but
like it’s a dumb beauty convention & also False
sometimes i wonder if cheryl wears so much red as kind of a fuck you to that beauty convention

Jenny: i hope so; that sounds like something she’d do

CC: yeah exactly
look man it’s not Mad Men costuming or anything
where like, every pattern is a different complex set of subtextual theories
but i think the costume designer is doing Good Work

Jenny: agreed
two examples

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- what a LOOK

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- what a look

 

CC: omg they went so hard on this angle

Rachel: YES

Jenny: v picking up trash in thigh-high boots was a real highlight i thought

CC: i like that all those teens in their messy 50s deconstruction town
dressed up for their straightforward 50s drag race

Rachel: Betty’s pants are so good
I want those pants
I also want to learn how to wear a bandana in my hair

Jenny: betty’s looks were GR9! the overalls killed me

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- my god fuck me

 

Rachel: THOSE OVERALLS
I’ve never wanted to kiss betty so much

CC: apparently this is from the comics! I didn’t realize that she was a mechanic

Jenny: it came up in season 1
v briefly

CC: i don’t really know why they had jughead and archie, who apparently just learned to drive when his dad got shot
to do this thing

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- you haven't even TAKEN DRIVERS ED!!!

Jenny: literally neither of them have drivers licenses

CC: what an idea these boys had

Jenny: i mean it was fp’s idea
if i were stuck in prison
this is the kind of shit i’d start

CC: i mean fair
i wanted to have more of a question but, i can’t stand bargain bin james franco or any of the other ghoulies

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- fucking terrible, fuck this guy

 

Jenny: that ethan hawke looking motherfucker
i hate him
evolve or die???
please die

CC: “your SKANKS”
“sorry we didn’t hear that”
“oh I’m sorry I SAID, YOUR SKAAAAANKS”
“IN CASE U DIDNT HEAR ME I AM A MISOGYNIST”

Rachel: can he be next in the car accident line, after Nick??

Jenny: i mean he did get arrested
so that’s something

Rachel: that’s a good point
siigghhh

CC: u know this fucker’s driver’s license expired in 2007

Jenny: i AM pro-hiram’s “karma”

Rachel: yeah I don’t like Hiram but I do like how mad he got

CC: hiram was looking extra handsome this week

Rachel: wish he wasn’t such a turd in general

CC: that actor just has such a kind and handsome face that i don’t want 2 believe he’s evil

Jenny: he’s married to kelly ripa
so make of that what you will
i LOVED when Hermione stepped in here

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- good looking out

 

Rachel: did you see her face when V was like “karma etc”????
like, she was kind of worried
V should not be excited about violence

Jenny: and then Hiram’s “checkmate”
he won v
in the chess
metaphor!

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- SYMBOLISM

 

CC: it’s the creepy mary statue all over again

Jenny: and the creepy child portrait

CC: related tho:
hermione’s face when hiram made fun of alice

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- (lolololoololololol)

 

Jenny: honestly
that got me

CC: the couple who makes fun of haters together plots murders together

Jenny: “accidents” i think you mean

CC: nick st clair got into a typo on the freeway
is what i mean

Jenny: lololol

Rachel: must have been texting and driving
because that’s the kind of shit bag he is

CC: rachel you brought up a good point re: v
so v tells betty that she wouldn’t have felt bad about selling nick out to the black hood
but earlier, she didn’t tell her parents about him trying to assault her because she thought hiram would kill him
is this a plot hole, or does she just not want her evil pops 2 be the murderer?
i think we’re supposed to believe the latter but i think it’s a plot hole lol

Jenny: i mean she said she “didn’t want nick’s blood on her hands or her father’s hands”
so i think it’s a personal thing
doesn’t want to be too close to it
for deniability reasons
the law

CC: ohhhh true
i guess also if it’s him or u, v’s not gonna lose sleep about it probably

Jenny: right

CC: so i took a Great screenshot of our 2 favorite galpals this episode

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- icons

 

Jenny: !!!
!!!!!!!!!

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: ICONS

CC: riverdale is a gay anime adapted into a live action drama & i will never believe otherwise

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- forgiveness! can you IMAGINE!?

Jenny: this scene warmed my cold heart

Rachel: I was so relieved when Bets came clean

Jenny: me too!

CC: that scene!!!!
was so good!!!!

Jenny: FORGIVENESS!! Can you IMAGINE!! FORGIVENESS!!

CC: I 100% believed that v would be like uh obviously some weird ass shit is happening because My Bestie B Who Is Also The Best would never betray me
i mean [implied] but still

Rachel: ok also I know we’ve been shitting on Jug
and he’s still messing up
BUT
I was glad that he didn’t like, demand some crazy tribute or drama from Betty

CC: I know!!!!

Rachel: offscreen she came clean, and it was fine

Jenny: it was handled really well i think!

Rachel: like we already did the redemption scene with V
which was more important
so we didn’t need to see it with Jug

Jenny: proof positive that he is not as bad as he could be (which is all we can really ask of men?)

Rachel: but I’m glad jug wasn’t a brat and like UGHHH NOOO I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOUUUUUUU

CC: imo this show has a good sense for which beats we care about seeing
and knows we don’t want to see 5 different forgiveness scenes
god bless

Rachel: ok here’s another question
are Josie and Reg gonna bang

CC: yes

Rachel: I SAW HER EYEING HIM UP
LIKE A HUNK OF MEAT
she was like “I will destroy you”

CC: the idiot who thinks going to someone’s house disguised as the murderer who tries to kill ur dad is a fun prank

Rachel: lol
yeah he sucks
BUT
I love the idea of Josie, being so tiny and petite but also not putting up with any bullshit ever is like “I’ll fucking destroy you Reg, you will grovel at my feet”
except, with her eyes
she says it with her eyes

CC: i think it’s funny that he thinks he can go toe to toe with her
like lol u peasant
who do u think ur talking to
i mean he knows but does he Know

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- you're not, i promise

 

Rachel: RIGHT
she is going to use him and then ground him into the dust
she likes her men soft, strong, and disposable
sorry I just wanted to use a Clue quote

Jenny: never apologize for clue
honestly

CC: so there is a scene i wanna talk about

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- our ruler does not deserve this

 

Rachel: oh man

CC: ngl i legit teared up
“CARE ABOUT ME MORE”

Rachel: this scene was rough but also kind of weird
like I was so into this scene until I remembered that time that Cheryl deprived her mom of oxygen
which was a legit boss ass move but also not really the kind of thing that I can connect to any sort of emotional gesture here
does that make sense??? it just doesn’t jive with me
each scene is individually good
but together they’re weird
dissonant

CC: i mean i get it
i think this weird ass family has done so many tremendously terrible things to each other
that it’s all just layers
like those russian cakes that are all just sheets of pastries on top of each other
but with trauma instead

Jenny: i think this whole show functions on the idea that you don’t really remember what happened two episodes ago, much less the start of the season

CC: i think jenny is right lol
BUT
i think cheryl’s mom seems remarkably unphased by cheryl threatening her life lol
like, she really didn’t miss an opportunity to imply that cheryl deserved what happened to her

Rachel: I was so mad when her mom didn’t believe her
about the almost rape
I was screaming

Jenny: ughugh

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- fuck you lady

 

Jenny: v loud
v upset

CC: i mean everything happened to cheryl
constantly!
[cries]

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- my new desk

 

CC: except it’s cheryl

Jenny: ME
that’s going right in front of my desk!

CC: LOL
i mean
this family needed therapy and it still needs therapy
why can’t they be a nice well adjusted crime family like the lodges???
the lodges went to family therapy, is what i think; v def went to individual

Rachel: lol I wonder how you get that job
as the lodge therapist

Jenny: oof
probably discretion

CC: unrelated: how is this guy not british

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- fuck this guy for real

 

CC: apparently this actor was the voice of ben 10????

Jenny: oh no

CC: either way he is not the mean one from a british pop band like i thought he had to be

Jenny: not enough repression to be british

Rachel: so do we have any updates to our murder theory??

Jenny: i still think it’s hal

CC: frankly i was so happy to get a break from the actual murderer
even tho we had 2 spend so much time w the stalker

Jenny: same

Rachel: do we still think it’s 2 people??

CC: OH DEF
100% 100% 100%

Jenny: hal & dilton?
was that what we’re working from?

Rachel: that was our last guess

CC: ya i think so too
the longer this goes on, the more i think betty’s stalker has a mega boner every time he talks to her & it’s gross

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- gross gross gross

 

Jenny: this shit had me gagging
dryheaving

Rachel: UGH

CC: “i’m breathing down your neck”
BETTY UR NOT HELPING

Jenny: oh but betty was GReAT
she’s turning those tables
but also yeah he def hung up to go wack it

CC: ok true but admittedly i did not like that line

Jenny: fair

CC: man b & v really nailed that plan
well, sort of? i believe in them

Jenny: they are unstoppable
also this GEM

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- step on me

 

Jenny: murder me

Rachel: I love her

Jenny: she’s just so good

CC: s h e i s g r e a t

Rachel: ok time for final thoughts~~~
hit me with what you got

CC: my thought is FPPPPPP BREAK OUT OF PRISON this town needs you; i need you

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- lord give me strength

 

Rachel: the hero we need!!!!
my takeaway is that these teens need to learn to communicate — Arch is just goin off and makin plans and not consulting anybody
like with those cops
just talk to each other you dummies!!!!

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- dumb boy w a dumb plan

 

Jenny: ARCHIBALD! YOU ARE TOO SIMPLE FOR PLANS! Listen to V

Rachel: bless

Jenny: buts lbr
that plan turned out WAY better than mayor mccoy’s plan
adults are still terrible in this show/town

Rachel: that’s true

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- a bad move, mayor

 

Jenny: my daughter took a drug!!
time to ARREST HALF THE TOWN
MASS ARRESTS AREN’T GOING TO MAKE YOUR DAUGHTER FEEL SAFE AND LOVED

Rachel: let’s arrest some TEENS
that will fix the problem

Jenny: honestly

CC: storm the high school
not like, any of the seedy clubs where they keep the live snakes

Jenny: and the union jacks
and all those candles!
fire hazard
also
did y’all hear fp refer to the ghoulies as “fops”
what is this??
talk about Not British
these assholes
this ethan hawke, off-brand james franco motherfucker

CC: the ghoulies are that one guy u know who watches too much doctor who and says “quite” too much

Jenny: ughughughugh
talks about their college days as “uni”

CC: “i’m quite`~ parched” SHUT UR MOUTH U FUCKIN NERD

Jenny: ughughughughgugh
ooh i’ve got a takeaway
a little self indulgent
but bear w me
i need more thistlehouse

 

Riverdale Roundtable 6 Death Proof -- love those black built-ins

 

Jenny: i’m really into these black built-in bookcases???
didn’t think i’d like them but i do

Rachel: the whole aesthetic of this house is great!!!!

Jenny: my take away is: I NEED TO EMULATE THIS AESTHETIC IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE
I NEED MORE THISTLEHOUSE

CC: also it’s a CW show so this shit is probably all at target

Jenny: #Bless Target


<<Season 2 Premiere     <Episode 5          Episode 7>

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.