Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 9: “Silent Night, Deadly Night.” Last week’s Riverdale was full of gifts: symbolism! communism! questions the show will probably never answer! So in the spirit of giving, we offer you this mid-season finale recap full of Riverdale shouting.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Jenny: i would like to begin at the beginning
w the Molly Ringwald singles cruise
CC: omg i know
Jenny: living your best life molly ringwald
far away from all this shit
sign me tf up
Rachel: hell yeah
too good for Fred, too good for this crummy town
CC: i mean sorry fred but it’s true
she did try to get archie out of there
she did her job
so i present to yall, with no context whatsoever
Rachel: LOL
CC: that boy aint right i tell you what
FP shouting at jughead was really a nice consistent element in this ep
Jenny: he did a good job
CC: good parenting
Rachel: man I’m with FP here though, Jughead is fucking all this up
Jenny: that is true
jug is a dummy
CC: i thought jug was going to get leverage!!!
if anybody can do that, it’s Intrepid Boy Reporter Jughead Jones
Jenny: right? but then he just cut the skin from a woman’s flesh
literally what the fuck dude
CC: and she TOTALLy won’t come back for revenge
Jenny: definitely not
no way
CC: the lawful evil master manipulator everyone owes is just gonna slither away, never 2 return
Jenny: really thought that one through
CC: these teens are bad at making plans
CC: ron howard voice: “I bet you’re wondering how i ended up here”
Jenny: lolol
i’m dying
speaking of teens and their shitty plans/lack of plans
Jenny: i present lame and lamer
CC: OH MY GOD I KNOWWWWW
Rachel: GOD I WAS SO MAD
fuck ALL OF THIS
Jenny: the betty/archie kiss didn’t even make sense!
like
there was nothing there
and then it happened????
CC: well
he held her hand
and she kissed him!
Jenny: TEENS!!!
Rachel: god
what dang dummies
CC: i mean it’s just like
you ever just find yourself in the middle of getting stalked by a murderer and just kiss whoever is nearest to you
i mean i do but maybe that’s just me
Jenny: i figure that’s like 80% of the teen horror genre
ALSO
i know that betty’s nightmare w the black hood was sort of mostly there to parallel cheryl’s scene at the end (so maybe the black hood is that guy penelope was kissing??? the tree salesman??? idk if that’s who it really was), BUT
polly is still fucking pregnant
it’s been a year and a half
CC: demon twins take longer to incubate probably
Jenny: twice as long
CC: but yeah who was that dude cheryl’s mom was making out with????
Jenny: i think
when cheryl went to buy a tree from archie
and archie redirected her to some dude
i think it’s that dude
and this is how penelope is settling the debt of cheryl’s holiday spending
that is what i think but also i am not sure
CC: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes
Jenny: there is v little confirmation for this theory
Rachel: oh god
CC: i just thought mom blossom was ready 2 move on from her evil husband
Jenny: maybe she is though
maybe she feels things too
can settle a debt and also feel
who’s to say
(not me)
CC: speaking of blossoms tho
CC: nana rose sure knows how to work her angles
Jenny: that lighting is fantastic no lie
Rachel: I do not know how to feel about Nana Rose
like I’m predisposed to like crones
but maybe not this crone
Jenny: she did say something about drowning babies like kittens?
puppies? maybe (could be misquoting)
equally horrifying
CC: “you should have drowned them at birth like kittens” I think
Jenny: yeah seems bad
CC: i mean i 100% agree, but also
CC: “nooooooOooOO giRlsSSss allllLLowwed”
bless this mess
i think all the weird ass shit nana rose says is intentional and that she set those flood lights up in advance
Jenny: i can only hope so
while we’re still on the blossoms
i gotta put in this short aside
added so many more pics to my thistlehouse pinterest board this ep
Rachel: this house is so amazing
it almost upsets me
CC: better crones & gardens
Jenny: we need to trademark that
CC: while the blossoms CLAIM to be broke i bet thistlehouse is filled to the brim with Fabergé eggs
CC: i do not understand the appeal HERMIONE
Jenny: oh i think you mean GLAMERGE eggs from SPIFFANY’S
CC: purchased on an AMERICAN EXCESS card
Jenny: lolololololololol
CC: these writers really do have fun don’t they
Jenny: i mean you have a lot of time for fun when time is meaningless and people can just BE PREGNANT for literally years
CC: everything happens so much that nothing ever happens
Jenny: lot of time for fun w brand names when you introduce a killer two eps before he’s unmasked
Jenny: i mean i know he’s not really the black hood
but they could’ve played it SO MUCH BETTER
CC: i am so glad you brought that up
i was really hoping we could put this damn plot line to bed once and for all
inter it in the earth like grundy
Jenny: nah there’s no way — why would the janitor know about betty’s nancy drew cipher obsession? doesn’t explain that away. there’s a lot it doesn’t explain
CC: I KNOW
Rachel: this is the plot line that NEVER DIES
CC: on the bright side
at least we could still finally see the REAL killer
Jenny: i mean his eyes weren’t human
i’m def not unconvinced
CC: so how do yall think the red herring ass janitor fits into the big picture
what about creepy truck driver????
Rachel: god I don’t know and I don’t think the writers know either
Jenny: hard same
so the truck driver’s name was lifted from the comics (a police officer who trained the black hood), so maybe there’s a connection there??
OR
OROROR
the truck driver was a ghost
the ghost of the murdered traveling preacher
the one who got blamed for the murder
Rachel: holy shit
CC: y i k e s
Rachel: I 100% believed it would be Hal
when they unmasked him
Jenny: i’m still on the Hal train endgame
CC: LEAVE HIM in the cemetery byeeeee
Rachel: Y’ALL
WHAT IF
everybody is the black hood
like, they’re Murder On the Orient Express-ing us
Jenny: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rachel: they all take turns!!!!!!
and Fred is in on it, and they shot him to divert suspicion!!
also spoilers for MoOE i guess
Jenny: like in Hot Fuzz
town full of murderous cultists
CC: I think it’s probably actually gonna be tied to cheryl’s dad
maybe he’s not actually dead somehow???
idk they devoted way too much real estate to the “sugar man” but maybe i am giving this show too much credit
Jenny: i mean cheryl did say something in the s2 premiere about “what actually happened in that barn”
Rachel: god WHEN are we going to find out what happened in the barn
i need 2 kno
CC: in the episode after madchen and fp bone on that car
obvz
Jenny: they’re saving all the big reveals for the ep after that
CC: they know we’ll be more generous and forgiving
Rachel: they’ll have to do it before, imo, because they know that’s what we’re all holding out for
Jenny: though i guess now that netflix bought up the first two seasons of the sabrina reboot, maybe we’ll never get that one big reveal that i care about/has kept me going through this season
well i guess it’s #1 of 3
the 3rd being more of THIS
Jenny: and some of THIS
CC: I KNOW RIGHT
Jenny: V, just go to the couples massage w BETTY
ALSO we never find out what’s in that box, right?
was it just me?? did i miss it???
CC: so i recently discovered a manwha about 2 girls who got cheated on by the same guy and FALL IN LOVE so maybe the riverdale writers are reading the same thing
also yeah idk what was in the box
also betty is as culpable as archie and i guesssssss i have to admit that
Jenny: i thought of the scene in elf (“for that special someone”)
but also
i can’t believe the devote NO TIME to telling us what V got B
but they make us look at THIS
CC: OMG I KNOW
Jenny: like, really?? JUGHEAD! Beloved is about mothers and daughters and racism
it’s not about your shitass teen romance
Rachel: he apparently hasn’t read the book
CC: a signed first edition
did jughead pick it up secondhand
or did he trouble toni morrison for an autograph
because the latter is unlikely but would be Insane
Jenny: i mean don’t they name drop her in the pilot
like betty does an internship w her?
maybe he used that as like an “in”
CC: oh wow she does??? i was not paying attention i guess
Jenny: i mean it was season 1
but also
WHO even does internships between their freshman and sophomore years of high school
kids today
they work too hard
CC: who does internships in high school????????
Rachel: I guess in THIS economy
Jenny: ????
CC: toni morrison reading 14 year old betty’s resume like
yes, definitely, you are qualified for this job
okay riverdale
Jenny: when betty tells the story
she says that toni morrison told her to take it easy and enjoy her youth
like betty
step #1
do not work this hard
CC: i mean honestly i think this is betty enjoying her youth
Jenny: living her best life
threatening nuns
CC: OMG ok
this episode’s symbolism
was
ok
Jenny: i love a lurking nun
CC: ????????????????????
i actually lol’ed at this creeper ass nun
Jenny: SAME
Jenny: like
ok
fuck — i want to watch THAT show
CC: i like that betty just goes hard immediately
Jenny: that’s her best quality i think
CC: ok i have another unintentionally hilarious symbolism thing
Jenny: oh i know it
it was in the teaser from last week
that’s how proud of this shot they were
CC: it’s almost like
veronica is judging herself
looking down at herself
u might say
Jenny: WOWOWOWOW mind blown
Rachel: I hate this show
CC: HA HA HA
Jenny: do you think these writers like, paid attention in high school english class or something???
Rachel: they probably got a 3 on their AP exams, at least
totally killed it
Jenny: lolol
CC: ok one more thing
veronica usually gets good lines but I hate when she calls people “[name]kins”
archiekins
daddykins
Rachel: I HATE IT TOO
CC: otherkins
webkins
Rachel: is V just a furry
Jenny: would not be surprised
i mean
she IS a communist
Jenny: and it’s a fine line between furry and communist
like squares and rectangles
a lot of overlap in those demographics
CC: i liked that this episode brought in fred’s medical bill plotline even though it was really on the nose because of these horrible times we live in
idk if that resonates with Teens but the CW has a history of doing this in their shows and i appreciate it
i also was immediately thinking like
what if it was actually just a billing error
that sounds entirely plausible to me ngl
does his insurance have a rider against like, getting shot in the chest by a murderer? I mean that is also possible but still
Jenny: i mean yeah i’m glad that these writers thought to add some realism
after keeping polly pregnant for a year and a half
this really balanced things out
CC: maybe fred’s insurance stipulates that if you sleep with a married crime boss, treatment following an attempted murder is considered an elected procedure
Jenny: sounds legit
CC: are yall ready for final thoughts?
Rachel: let’s do it
CC: ok my final thought is
CC: south side santas! so holly! so jolly!
Rachel: I honestly loved this
Jenny: same
CC: like OBVIOUSLY jughead u rube of course we give back to the community
what do you think we are, capitalists?
Jenny: ????
kisses fingers like a chef
bringing it right back around
i think my takeaway
is that i am putting my whole heart into a B/V endgame, and if it can happen on Legend of Korra then it can happen here
and if that doesn’t work
then i offer a pig’s heart for a Cheryl/Toni endgame
Rachel: I’m 100% down for this
also long as Cheryl cleans up her act
no more being a weirdo about Josie!!
Jenny: oh yeah def
Rachel: I was extremely happy to get a reprieve from that
Jenny: same
it’s getting harder and harder to justify standing by her but my god i just can’t let go
and she really was good this ep
CC: i want 2 believe
Jenny: that’s horrifying but also yes it sums my feelings up perfectly
Rachel: my takeaway is that now that Moose is back, I NEED a complete storyline where he comes out of the closet and whisks Kevin off his feet
Jenny: YES
Rachel: if this doesn’t happen, then
I hate this show
CC: he has to duel Joaquin for his hand like josie in DA:I
Rachel: omg
HOW DO I CHOOSE
Jenny: give me that plus more murder nuns and i’ll be set
CC: “moose versus the murder nuns” is a show i would absolutely watch
guys we do such good work
Jenny: i mean i bet they’re looking for spin-off ideas now that sabrina’s gone to netflix
Rachel: this is how we make our millions
CC: we couldn’t possibly undermine the integrity of this show
uh, more than, uh….more than has already happened
hire us!
<<Season 2 Premiere <Episode 8
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.