Riverdale Roundtable 9: “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about Season 2 Episode 9: “Silent Night, Deadly Night.” Last week’s Riverdale was full of gifts: symbolism! communism! questions the show will probably never answer! So in the spirit of giving, we offer you this mid-season finale recap full of Riverdale shouting.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

Jenny: i would like to begin at the beginning
w the Molly Ringwald singles cruise

CC: omg i know

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- molly ringwald, living her best life

Jenny: living your best life molly ringwald
far away from all this shit
sign me tf up

Rachel: hell yeah
too good for Fred, too good for this crummy town

CC: i mean sorry fred but it’s true
she did try to get archie out of there
she did her job
so i present to yall, with no context whatsoever

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- BOY

Rachel: LOL

CC: that boy aint right i tell you what
FP shouting at jughead was really a nice consistent element in this ep

Jenny: he did a good job

CC: good parenting

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- shut the fuck up jug

Rachel: man I’m with FP here though, Jughead is fucking all this up

Jenny: that is true
jug is a dummy

CC: i thought jug was going to get leverage!!!
if anybody can do that, it’s Intrepid Boy Reporter Jughead Jones

Jenny: right? but then he just cut the skin from a woman’s flesh
literally what the fuck dude

CC: and she TOTALLy won’t come back for revenge

Jenny: definitely not
no way

CC: the lawful evil master manipulator everyone owes is just gonna slither away, never 2 return

Jenny: really thought that one through

CC: these teens are bad at making plans

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- what a dummy

CC: ron howard voice: “I bet you’re wondering how i ended up here”

Jenny: lolol
i’m dying
speaking of teens and their shitty plans/lack of plans

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- lame

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- lamer

Jenny: i present lame and lamer



Jenny: the betty/archie kiss didn’t even make sense!
there was nothing there
and then it happened????

CC: well
he held her hand
and she kissed him!

Jenny: TEENS!!!

Rachel: god
what dang dummies

CC: i mean it’s just like
you ever just find yourself in the middle of getting stalked by a murderer and just kiss whoever is nearest to you
i mean i do but maybe that’s just me

Jenny: i figure that’s like 80% of the teen horror genre
i know that betty’s nightmare w the black hood was sort of mostly there to parallel cheryl’s scene at the end (so maybe the black hood is that guy penelope was kissing??? the tree salesman??? idk if that’s who it really was), BUT
polly is still fucking pregnant
it’s been a year and a half

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- i get that this is a stress dream, but HOW is she still pregnant??

CC: demon twins take longer to incubate probably

Jenny: twice as long

CC: but yeah who was that dude cheryl’s mom was making out with????

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- who even is that guy?

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- you don't deserve this cheryl

Jenny: i think
when cheryl went to buy a tree from archie
and archie redirected her to some dude
i think it’s that dude
and this is how penelope is settling the debt of cheryl’s holiday spending
that is what i think but also i am not sure

CC: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes

Jenny: there is v little confirmation for this theory

Rachel: oh god

CC: i just thought mom blossom was ready 2 move on from her evil husband

Jenny: maybe she is though
maybe she feels things too
can settle a debt and also feel
who’s to say
(not me)

CC: speaking of blossoms tho

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- work that angle nana rose

CC: nana rose sure knows how to work her angles

Jenny: that lighting is fantastic no lie

Rachel: I do not know how to feel about Nana Rose
like I’m predisposed to like crones
but maybe not this crone

Jenny: she did say something about drowning babies like kittens?
puppies? maybe (could be misquoting)
equally horrifying

CC: “you should have drowned them at birth like kittens” I think

Jenny: yeah seems bad

CC: i mean i 100% agree, but also

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- ~~no girls allowed~~

CC: “nooooooOooOO giRlsSSss allllLLowwed”
bless this mess
i think all the weird ass shit nana rose says is intentional and that she set those flood lights up in advance

Jenny: i can only hope so
while we’re still on the blossoms
i gotta put in this short aside
added so many more pics to my thistlehouse pinterest board this ep

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- love that painting

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- what a great set

Rachel: this house is so amazing
it almost upsets me

CC: better crones & gardens

Jenny: we need to trademark that

CC: while the blossoms CLAIM to be broke i bet thistlehouse is filled to the brim with Fabergé eggs

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- GLAMERGE eggs from SPIFFANY'S

CC: i do not understand the appeal HERMIONE

Jenny: oh i think you mean GLAMERGE eggs from SPIFFANY’S

CC: purchased on an AMERICAN EXCESS card

Jenny: lolololololololol

CC: these writers really do have fun don’t they

Jenny: i mean you have a lot of time for fun when time is meaningless and people can just BE PREGNANT for literally years

CC: everything happens so much that nothing ever happens

Jenny: lot of time for fun w brand names when you introduce a killer two eps before he’s unmasked

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- lazy fucking writing

Jenny: i mean i know he’s not really the black hood
but they could’ve played it SO MUCH BETTER

CC: i am so glad you brought that up
i was really hoping we could put this damn plot line to bed once and for all
inter it in the earth like grundy

Jenny: nah there’s no way — why would the janitor know about betty’s nancy drew cipher obsession? doesn’t explain that away. there’s a lot it doesn’t explain


Rachel: this is the plot line that NEVER DIES

CC: on the bright side
at least we could still finally see the REAL killer

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- the face of a killer
Image source: Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Jenny: i mean his eyes weren’t human
i’m def not unconvinced

CC: so how do yall think the red herring ass janitor fits into the big picture
what about creepy truck driver????

Rachel: god I don’t know and I don’t think the writers know either

Jenny: hard same
so the truck driver’s name was lifted from the comics (a police officer who trained the black hood), so maybe there’s a connection there??
the truck driver was a ghost
the ghost of the murdered traveling preacher
the one who got blamed for the murder

Rachel: holy shit

CC: y i k e s

Rachel: I 100% believed it would be Hal
when they unmasked him

Jenny: i’m still on the Hal train endgame

CC: LEAVE HIM in the cemetery byeeeee

Rachel: Y’ALL
everybody is the black hood
like, they’re Murder On the Orient Express-ing us


Rachel: they all take turns!!!!!!
and Fred is in on it, and they shot him to divert suspicion!!
also spoilers for MoOE i guess

Jenny: like in Hot Fuzz
town full of murderous cultists

CC: I think it’s probably actually gonna be tied to cheryl’s dad
maybe he’s not actually dead somehow???
idk they devoted way too much real estate to the “sugar man” but maybe i am giving this show too much credit

Jenny: i mean cheryl did say something in the s2 premiere about “what actually happened in that barn”

Rachel: god WHEN are we going to find out what happened in the barn
i need 2 kno

CC: in the episode after madchen and fp bone on that car

Jenny: they’re saving all the big reveals for the ep after that

CC: they know we’ll be more generous and forgiving

Rachel: they’ll have to do it before, imo, because they know that’s what we’re all holding out for

Jenny: though i guess now that netflix bought up the first two seasons of the sabrina reboot, maybe we’ll never get that one big reveal that i care about/has kept me going through this season
well i guess it’s #1 of 3
the 3rd being more of THIS

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- what's in the box? i need to know

Jenny: and some of THIS

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- w Betty! to the couples massage!


Jenny: V, just go to the couples massage w BETTY
ALSO we never find out what’s in that box, right?
was it just me?? did i miss it???

CC: so i recently discovered a manwha about 2 girls who got cheated on by the same guy and FALL IN LOVE so maybe the riverdale writers are reading the same thing
also yeah idk what was in the box
also betty is as culpable as archie and i guesssssss i have to admit that

Jenny: i thought of the scene in elf (“for that special someone”)
but also
i can’t believe the devote NO TIME to telling us what V got B
but they make us look at THIS

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- FUCK YOU JUGHEAD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ THIS DID YOU


Jenny: like, really?? JUGHEAD! Beloved is about mothers and daughters and racism
it’s not about your shitass teen romance

Rachel: he apparently hasn’t read the book

CC: a signed first edition
did jughead pick it up secondhand
or did he trouble toni morrison for an autograph
because the latter is unlikely but would be Insane

Jenny: i mean don’t they name drop her in the pilot
like betty does an internship w her?
maybe he used that as like an “in”

CC: oh wow she does??? i was not paying attention i guess

Jenny: i mean it was season 1
but also
WHO even does internships between their freshman and sophomore years of high school
kids today
they work too hard

CC: who does internships in high school????????

Rachel: I guess in THIS economy

Jenny: ????

CC: toni morrison reading 14 year old betty’s resume like
yes, definitely, you are qualified for this job
okay riverdale

Jenny: when betty tells the story
she says that toni morrison told her to take it easy and enjoy her youth
like betty
step #1
do not work this hard

CC: i mean honestly i think this is betty enjoying her youth

Jenny: living her best life
threatening nuns

CC: OMG ok
this episode’s symbolism

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- love a lurking nun

Jenny: i love a lurking nun

CC: ????????????????????
i actually lol’ed at this creeper ass nun

Jenny: SAME

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- queuing up AHS s2

Jenny: like
fuck — i want to watch THAT show

CC: i like that betty just goes hard immediately

Jenny: that’s her best quality i think

CC: ok i have another unintentionally hilarious symbolism thing

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- symbolism!

Jenny: oh i know it
it was in the teaser from last week
that’s how proud of this shot they were

CC: it’s almost like
veronica is judging herself
looking down at herself
u might say

Jenny: WOWOWOWOW mind blown

Rachel: I hate this show


Jenny: do you think these writers like, paid attention in high school english class or something???

Rachel: they probably got a 3 on their AP exams, at least
totally killed it

Jenny: lolol

CC: ok one more thing
veronica usually gets good lines but I hate when she calls people “[name]kins”


CC: otherkins

Rachel: is V just a furry

Jenny: would not be surprised
i mean
she IS a communist

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- since i started fucking girls, hermione

Jenny: and it’s a fine line between furry and communist
like squares and rectangles
a lot of overlap in those demographics

CC: i liked that this episode brought in fred’s medical bill plotline even though it was really on the nose because of these horrible times we live in
idk if that resonates with Teens but the CW has a history of doing this in their shows and i appreciate it
i also was immediately thinking like
what if it was actually just a billing error
that sounds entirely plausible to me ngl
does his insurance have a rider against like, getting shot in the chest by a murderer? I mean that is also possible but still

Jenny: i mean yeah i’m glad that these writers thought to add some realism
after keeping polly pregnant for a year and a half
this really balanced things out

CC: maybe fred’s insurance stipulates that if you sleep with a married crime boss, treatment following an attempted murder is considered an elected procedure

Jenny: sounds legit

CC: are yall ready for final thoughts?

Rachel: let’s do it

CC: ok my final thought is

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- southside santas

CC: south side santas! so holly! so jolly!

Rachel: I honestly loved this

Jenny: same

CC: like OBVIOUSLY jughead u rube of course we give back to the community
what do you think we are, capitalists?

Jenny: ????
kisses fingers like a chef
bringing it right back around
i think my takeaway
is that i am putting my whole heart into a B/V endgame, and if it can happen on Legend of Korra then it can happen here
and if that doesn’t work
then i offer a pig’s heart for a Cheryl/Toni endgame

Rachel: I’m 100% down for this
also long as Cheryl cleans up her act
no more being a weirdo about Josie!!

Jenny: oh yeah def

Rachel: I was extremely happy to get a reprieve from that

Jenny: same
it’s getting harder and harder to justify standing by her but my god i just can’t let go
and she really was good this ep

CC: i want 2 believe

Riverdale Roundtable 9 Silent Night Deadly Night -- horrifying crying baby
Image source: Baby Born commercial, 1995

Jenny: that’s horrifying but also yes it sums my feelings up perfectly

Rachel: my takeaway is that now that Moose is back, I NEED a complete storyline where he comes out of the closet and whisks Kevin off his feet

Jenny: YES

Rachel: if this doesn’t happen, then
I hate this show

CC: he has to duel Joaquin for his hand like josie in DA:I

Rachel: omg

Jenny: give me that plus more murder nuns and i’ll be set

CC: “moose versus the murder nuns” is a show i would absolutely watch
guys we do such good work

Jenny: i mean i bet they’re looking for spin-off ideas now that sabrina’s gone to netflix

Rachel: this is how we make our millions

CC: we couldn’t possibly undermine the integrity of this show
uh, more than, uh….more than has already happened
hire us!

<<Season 2 Premiere     <Episode 8

All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.

CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
Jenny Mott

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.
Rachel Weiss

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.
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