The Cast of Magic Mike XXL, As Fed Through the Fetch! App

March 18, 2016 at 12:34 pm

Look at Chris Hemsworth. Look at him.

 

thor0536

 

Do you have any doubt in your mind that this man is the human equivalent of a Golden Retriever?

Well if you did, perish the thought because the internet is here to prove it:

 

whatdog thor

 

In case you were too busy smooching your significant person to spend entirely too much time on Twitter last month, Fetch! (otherwise known as What-Dog) is an app/website that allows you to determine what kind of dog you’re looking at by uploading a picture of it. Naturally, the internet abused this tool immediately by uploading selfies and pictures of all kinds of miscellany in order to figure out where everything on god’s green earth fits into the canine family. Think of Fetch! as a magical tool for turning everything into dogs.

 

 

 

With the full power of the internet behind you, why not try to figure out what kind of dog every sweet, ethereally-handsome movie dude would be? Magic Mike XXL is pretty much the best movie to test the Fetch! App’s limits.

 

Case in point:

 

So without further ado, here is the beautiful and amazing cast of Magic Mike XXL as beautiful and amazing dogs.

 


 

 

Ken:

 

This guy’s whole deal:

 

Ken, As A Dog:

 

Accuracy: 7/10 Reiki Healers

Ken might try to be a super zen, chilled-out dog, but he can also be a real dickhead who holds grudges.

 

A more accurate dog suggestion:

This adorable, mean little fucker here:

spice

 

Tito:

 

This guy’s whole deal:

 

Tito, As A Dog:

 

Accuracy: 9/10 Artisanal Fro-Yo Trucks

Tito has big dreams and isn’t afraid to work for them. However, I don’t know that “energetic” guy is one of the main things that jumps out at me about this dude. But I guess he’d have to be, to pull off those sick dance moves? I don’t know, you be the judge.

 

Mike:

Photo Feb 13, 2 51 05 PM

 

This guy’s whole deal:

I could not find a clip of the scene where he encourages all the other dudes to believe in their dreams like the sweet, perfect cinnamon roll he is so you’ll have to settle for this:

 

 

Mike, As A Dog:

 

Accuracy: 11/10 Ponies

Predictable, yet satisfying.

 

Tarzan:

tarzan

 

This guy’s whole deal:

 

Tarzan, As A Dog:

 

Accuracy: 7/10 Ernests

Tarzan isn’t necessarily “suspicious” towards strangers, but otherwise, this seemingly checks out.

 

A more accurate dog suggestion:

This friendly big guy:

bullmastiffsf5

 

Richie:

Photo Feb 13, 3 03 55 PM

 

This guy’s whole deal:

 

Richie, As A Dog:

 

Accuracy: 10/10 Nine Inch Nails

Accurate and perfect in every single way.

 

Bonus!

Andre:

Their smiles!!!!!!!!! But also: seems more likely to be a smol dog than a big guy like this.

 

Photo Feb 13, 2 55 58 PM
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Zoe:

 

Accurate.


Rome:

 

Inaccurate, just because Rome is so obviously a cat. But that’s not the app’s fault.

 


 

 

In conclusion, here is a picture of Charming Tatum and his dogs:

 

channing tatum and dogs

 

Between Fetch! and the Akinator, we’re probably inching towards making the machines Too Powerful and cementing our own demise. On the other hand, if all face recognition technology had the power to see into our souls and call forth the sweetness and perfection inside of us the way Fetch! can, the robot apocalypse probably won’t really be all that bad.

 

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!