As seemingly the only millennial who doesn’t especially care about my zodiac sign, I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in at a warm, loving home filled with all my peers, laughing and enjoying the comforts of preternaturally knowing how they will die. I’m sorry, friends. I’m just not especially keyed into the supernatural. I hate ghosts and Calvinism — or really, predestination of any kind. In my view, we’re all careening through the mutually uncaring voids of space and time, and if anything, the hellscape of the past year and a half has only reinforced my disbelief in any kind of invisible guiding hand of fate. Narratives are fake! Life is chaos!! Memento mori, my dudes!!!
But I hope that I’m wrong! And at this point, I’ve eavesdropped on enough conversations about the zodiac to truly understand the guidance of the stars — I think. Anyway, here’s what they told me about all of you.
Capricorn: Spunky and bold. Drinks a lot of coffee. Always wants to wrestle??? for some reason???? The Tournament Fighter shonen anime protagonist of the zodiac pantheon.
Aquarius: Hot, bi, and discerning about weed. Likes the idea of painting more than actually painting. Physically incapable of farting.
Pisces: A messy bitch who lives for drama. Cries a lot. Eggs creep them out, conceptually. Cheryl Blossom.
Aries: Mean and fatally thirsty; would tie own grandmother to the railroad tracks for Ambition and Power, or even the mere promise of a quick handie from an attractive stranger. Apparently. As a weepy, sentimental marshmallow, I can confidently say that The Stars don’t know me at all and call for every other Aries to join me in dismantling Big Zodiac.
Taurus: Kind. Soft. Bakes a lot. Knows how to use a kiln. All the library scientists working to put The Toast in the Library of Congress are Tauruses. Every football player who takes a dance class to improve their form and gets really into tap is a Taurus. While writing this, I guessed that Channing Tatum was a Taurus and after I looked it up I found that I was right!!! What a world! Maybe there is something to this space magic after all.
Gemini: All twins are geminis, somehow. Extremely symmetrical.
Cancer: Crabby?????? People seem to ascribe just about every adjective used to describe human personalities to this sign so I can confidently say that all cancers are nurturing and thoughtful, yet selfish and inwardly-focused; lazy, yet ambitious; quick-tempered, yet patient; wise, yet unlearned. Cancers exist everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Schrodinger’s Zodiac Sign.
Leo: Brave! Valiant! Impulsive! All Earthbenders and/or the digimon Leomon, the lot of them. Secretly very shy. Consistently as on-the-nose as their zodiac sign traits are.
Virgo: Beautiful and flawless. Can do no wrong. Protagonist of the shoujo manga zodiac pantheon. Only flaws are clumsiness and quick-temperedness (but only in a sexy way, not a rude way like the rest of us plebs). All Virgos love their zodiac sign because it reaffirms what they already know: that they were Chosen By Destiny to be both cute and as good at sports as they want to be.
Libra: Always gets the last word in because The Stars gave them the right-of-way in any and all conflicts. Puts Myers-Briggs type in both dating app profile and twitter bio. Protagonist of the Sexy Detectives Solving Crimes In Between Steamy Makeouts zodiac pantheon.
Scorpio: Hot Voldemort. Aries, but smarter and slightly less horny. Sided with the Salarian Dalatrass in Mass Effect 3. Often found leaning on furniture. Leaves top two shirt buttons open.
Sagittarius: ?????????????????????? who knows!!!!!!! Sagittarius is a theoretical star sign and nobody has ever been one.
Good luck out there, my clairvoyant peers! Sleep comfortably in the knowledge that you were predestined for great things by forces beyond your ken — you know, unless you’re an Aries or Scorpio and destined only to alienate everyone you’ve ever loved! Blessed be!!! ✨✨✨