When it comes to living your best crone life, the music that speaks to your heart should not go ignored. And when it comes to surviving the impending and probably inevitable apocalypse, we all need to be prepared.
I first discovered the noise pop band Sleigh Bells through a commercial on a YouTube video. Wondering about the very good noises making sweet, sweet love to my ear drums, I conjured a quick revealing spell, and the wind whispered a name. I had stumbled upon a rare gift: a band that combined intense guitars with distortion and sensual-yet-angelic vocals, plus some of the most deliciously bizarre lyrics I’d ever heard. I fell completely in love. I knew I had come upon something special .. something magical. What I didn’t know at the time—or until their latest album dropped—was that the fate of the world might rest in my hands.
Now that I know the true potential of this music, I consider it my duty to share these all-important and totally banging tunes with the world. Fear not, for these delicately crooned lyrics backed by crashing guitars will lead us all to salvation in the event of any of the following doomsday scenarios.
AI / Machine Takeover → “Unlimited Dark Paths”
If artificial intelligence rises to a point where super-intelligent machines take control of the Earth and dominate humans, our future will look bleak. Fortunately, rather than submitting to our new AI overlords, we’ll be able to fight back with this kickass tune. Just by closing our eyes and repeating the following lyrics over and over, for as long as it takes, we’ll be able to fry their motherboards and shut the systems down, leaving only organic lifeforms to take back our world. Boom.
What went wrong / Nowhere man
The sun came up / A tragedy
All around / Don’t look down
Chin up / Bravery
Where is the era of strength and integrity
Don’t look down
You can’t go back the way you came / Full speed ahead
Impact Event → “Demons”
If a meteorite crashes into the Earth and sends us into the same desolate wasteland that wiped out the dinosaurs, there may be a few human survivors. In that case, we best be sure they’re familiar with this ripping rock track. By chanting this verse, these survivors will ensure the skies clear up and, little by little, plants grow again . . . and we’ll all re-learn how to thrive.
They’re gonna bury you
They’re gonna finish
They’re gonna stand ‘em up six by six by six
You pull the hood back
I wanna know
Which way will the heavenly go
Extraterrestrial Alien Invasion → “Throw Me Down the Stairs”
If aliens show up to colonize the planet or drain it of resources or capture humans and turn us into space milk or something, their tentacles and advanced weaponry will be no match for this phenomenal tune and our new rallying cry—sure to crack through our alien overlords’ helmets and turn their brains to mush.
If you so much as look at me wrong
I’m coming down on your head and your home, count on it
I’ll protect every fire I’ve built with my life, with my life
Do you know what I mean?
Cause it means the world to me
Pandemic → “Treats”
If an illness wipes out most of humanity—which, yes, includes, but is not limited to, a zombie apocalypse scenario—the few immune survivors can turn to this track, fit for a phoenix rising from its ashes. Chanting these lyrics will ensure their continued immunity from the hordes.
They can bomb heaven in
Heavy metal band deal with me
Heavens deaf, drummer boy
Heavy metal band stick with me
Put the heat on the street
Let the enemy sing with me
Societal Collapse → “I Just Can’t Stand You Anymore”
If our social structures, governments, and laws finally dissolve into pure chaos, where will we turn? Chanting these lyrics-turned-cry-of-resistance will bring all sisters of the coven together in calm unity against the unruly masses. In time, the repeated chant will help the “awaken” the hoi polloi and restore a sense of order.
Who died and made you boss?
Cause there’s no one there / The stakes are so high
Why do you do this to me?
Bombs don’t compare to the trouble you bring me
I just can’t stand you anymore
Violent Solar Flares → “Sing Like A Wire”
If the sun lashes out and destroys us, there’s seemingly little we can do to fight back against an actual star . . . Except gather underground for safety and form a circle of crone sisters, where we’ll lock eyes and softly chant the following until a barrier is formed around this very globe and the arms of Solaris are forced to retreat.
Static in the sentence, static in the dirt
Singing like a hunter, shaking, I go wild
Burn your body, I can see your burning fire
They sing everything
Supervolcano → “I Can Only Stare”
In the event that the atmosphere as we know it is consumed by black ash and molten lava wipes out entire landmasses, a few brave souls will recall the key verse from this addictive track—the key to healing the erupting Earth and calling down fierce rains to quell the flames anywhere lava has touched.
You know, I’m grieving, giving off heat
Cross my heart, hope to die
You and I / You and I
Why aren’t we sharing the breath
‘Til there’s nothing left but carbon dioxide
Macroscopic Robot Swarms → “Riot Rhythm”
This song was one of the first to catapult Sleigh Bells onto many fans’ radars, and it will certainly become the unifying chant of the human resistors against clouds of tiny robots that slaughter us and replicate out of control—sometimes referred to as “grey goo.” These lyrics will not only make our skin impenetrable, but with enough repetition, render the bots nothing more than piles of metal pebbles.
Dear heart, don’t stop fighting
Prepare, ride the lightning
It’s like heart-heart-heartbeat
Just like banging rhythm
You’ve gotta march!
Evil Dictator / Global Warfare → “As If”
Since the last verse of this intense track was literally written about Emperor Tr*mp, this one is really a no-brainer. Chanting this should effectively end the reign of a corrupt ruler hell bent on plunging us into a new stone age. Thanks, Sleigh Bells!
Spittin’ out nothing
An infinite loop of literally bad news
And skewed views, disgust
Who would have thought / Who would have thought?
But where does it lead?
May as well be on my own terms
Settle the score, this is what you asked for
So go ahead and punch my ticket
Other Unpredicted Scenario → “Rule Number One”
It’s highly likely that we’ll never see the end coming until it’s too late. There aren’t enough songs to cover everything, and hell—all the doomsday predictions in history may be total crap. So, in the event that something completely different rips through our world and threatens our species, the following chant will, if nothing else, give us the strength to persevere.
Instinct takes over
Instinct commands us
Stare at the moon in a memory lapse
Wind up the clock, total collapse
Pop rocks and coke make your head explode
Pop rocks and coke make your head explode
Fear not the world’s end, as we have an arsenal of sweet jams to help us make it through. Now, you probably have two burning questions: What about all of Sleigh Bells’ other excellent tracks? And can’t we do anything to prevent the apocalypse? Indeed, young crone, indeed. You see, their full discography should be played at maximum volume as often as possible to stave off impending doom. And if the unthinkable does happen, at least you’ll be ready. Ready to ROCK.