Summer is almost here, and you know what that means: It’s time to let your inner mermaid shine!
No, seriously, it’s time. You can’t fight this. Even if you’re not personally a mermaid, summer is mermaid season, so embrace it or be doomed. That’s right: If land people everywhere don’t incorporate the maximum amount of mermaids into our summer essentials, the whole season is literally cancelled. Flip-flops and snow cones aren’t going to cut it, alright? The sea goddess Salacia is watching, and she must be appeased. She alone holds the power to END summer, or well…maybe she’d just start frowning a lot more often, but regardless…do you want any of that?!
Here are a few of this year’s ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED mermaid finds!
1. Fairytale Mermaid Necklace from cocojewlery
This necklace may be super cheap mass-produced gift shop crap, but it’s also an adorable sparkly mermaid that you must protect with your life—yes, your life. SUMMER depends on it, hello! Wear it with pride to any and every occasion, mermaid sisters! Plus, with like a million color choices and Prime shipping, you have no excuses not to get this around your neck in the next 48 hours.
2. Hand-Painted Mermaid Wine Glass by JocelynArielle
In today’s world of Pinterest and Etsy crafts, there’s no shortage of painted wine glasses, but few are as gorgeous as this one, which features three—THREE—mermaids in a charming seascape. YOU’RE WELCOME. You better fucking get a full set immediately; that is, unless you want Salacia to ascend from the sea and bring her ocean armies onto land to crash your summer barbecue. Right, I didn’t think so. DRINK UP. (Alcohol optional, no peer pressure.)
3. Mermaid Car Charm from Ganz
WOW, can you even wait to dangle this cutie from your car mirror? Don’t feel too chained (get it) to that idea, though, because you can absolutely hang this little purple-tailed beauty anywhere! I have mine looped around a vase with a slender neck and it looks PRECIOUS, okay? As long as she is displayed prominently and proudly, Salacia shall be appeased!
4. “Mermaid at Heart” Coffee/Tea Mug from Tri-Coastal Design
HOLY SMOKES, THIS MERMAID MUG. [BREATHING INTO A PAPER BAG] THE GOLD SCALES ON THE HANDLE! THE PURPLE! I NEED THIS FOR MY COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM—I mean, we all need this! To prevent the end of summer! Like I’ve been saying! If you aren’t already adding this stunner to your Amazon cart, what are you even doing with your life? Do you even CARE about saving summer via mermaid love? GOSH.
5. Mermaid Wrap Ring by MattAccessories
Now, if you’re living some kind of life where you don’t want a pretty silver mermaid to encircle your finger and bring enchantment to all that you lay your hands upon as you go about your day, I’m not even sure what to say to you …EXCEPT that if summer gets cancelled, it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. Don’t think for one second that tiny accessories don’t matter. If Salacia intuitively knows the location of every pearl in every oyster across the oceans, do you think she can’t keep track of a few fingers? Yeah, think again.
6. Mermaid Makeup Bag by HappyBagCo
Um, did you also think Salacia wouldn’t notice that you’ve been stashing your makeup in a regular, non-seasonal bag? What the fuck is wrong with you? This one has CAT FISH on it. LOOK at how joyful it is. YOU’RE NOT LOOKING.
7. Sea Maidens Grace and Harmony – Signed Painting Print by Robert Klein
Honestly, did you expect to make it through this list without gay mermaids? That was pretty naive, but I’ll let it slide. Listen, Robert Klein is one of humanity’s many great mermaid artists, and his beautiful and charming creations come in a variety of options ranging from mermaids with sweet animal friends to wonderful expressions of love like this one. Definitely feel free to select the ones that speak to you, as long as you get one for every room of your house. Mermaids fit your decor, now, because mermaids are your decor. IT’S MERMAID SEASON. I DON’T MAKE THE RULES.
8. Custom Purrmaid Necklaces by GirlAndHerCat
[suddenly sobbing] “Purrmaid.”
9. Mermaid Enamel Pin by OhPlesiosaur
I don’t know if you really understand what’s going on here. This isn’t just another fun shopping list. SUMMER, the actual happiest season, is in jeopardy, people. And if you can save it by wearing this gorgeous pin anytime you leave the house, everyone wins! Trust me, together, we can save summer FOR SURE. I know this because…well, because the sea goddess told me, of course! What, like you don’t believe that I personally know Salacia? Like I’m just some average mermaid?!
10. Iron-On Mermaid by KencoCustoms
Ahem! [deep breath] Pretty sure this is perfect for your new pair of jean shorts! Go ahead and choose the back pocket or the front cuff—you have options! Only one thing is for sure: If you aren’t wearing mermaids at all times, Salacia is absolutely going to rise up and cancel—I mean, bring her armies, or…something? I mean, she’ll definitely notice and be sad…probably. JUST WEAR MERMAIDS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, OKAY?
11. Decorative Planner Mermaid Stickers by Fromateachersheart
STICKERS! Do I even need to explain how important PRETTY STICKERS are?! You don’t need to own a planner (or be a child) to stick these literally everywhere you see a blank, alarmingly mermaidless surface! Grab handfuls of these beauties and go wild! There’s no other choice, remember?! Salacia must be honored and celebrated! Otherwise …well, you don’t even want to find out, because it will be highly unpleasant at the very least! I mean it!
12. Meowmaid Mermaid Kitty Felt Brooches by TheAlbinoHare
Okay, at least we can all agree that these cute little brooches are totally practical summer essentials—what? You “don’t need” a mermaid kitty brooch? Well, what if I told you that Salacia will, um, summon her pack of narwhals if she sees us all walking around with some boring-ass un-brooched outfits?! You think that “sounds pretty cool, actually,” huh?!?! You know what, you got me there. It does. IT DOES SOUND COOL TO SEE A MERMAID LEADING A PACK OF NARWHALS, OKAY, AND SALACIA IS A PEACEFUL GODDESS ANYWAY; I’M AN AVERAGE MERMAID AND A FRAUD.
13. Iridescent Foiled Mermaid Fanny Pack by beksiesboutique
Alright…maybe, early on, I was bending the truth a little about the severity of this situation, but it was only because I love summer, and mermaids make everyone happy! Just look at how stunningly gorgeous and super hip this mermaid fanny pack is! Like you even NEED a reason/threat to wear one to your next festival, right?! And sure, it’s technically true that I don’t “know” the sea goddess Salacia, personally. And yes, it’s possible that this entire list just reflects “my own aesthetic” or something, but… Listen, you can’t argue that all this shit is hella rad and cute, right?! LOOK AT THOSE SEQUINS.
So, while summer may not technically be cancelled if we don’t all maximize our mermaid love, you also can’t prove that it won’t be, right? May as well play it safe and bring mermaids into your life in a big way. Really big. So big, people might forever associate you with mermaids, even. So big that they start to worry, just a little, about your spending habits. “Another fucking mermaid?” they’ll mutter under their breaths.
As if there could ever be ENOUGH mermaids.
Yours,
Mermaid Neptune
Editor’s Note: This article does not reflect any known intentions of the sea goddess Salacia, nor are the “warnings” herein endorsed by POMEmag in any way.