In these modern times, so many of our eternal sisters have heeded the words of the crones-that-be: to avoid inciting another witch hunt, maybe lay off the more noticeable hexes??
But! It’s Friday the 13th, in October no less — the rare day when normies and mortals decide to believe in superstition. Truly it is the perfect smokescreen to make good on any grudges you’ve been holding onto all year.
1. Identity Theft Curse
Curse Target: That Asshole Coworker who Keeps Passing Your Work Off as His Own
If somehow this dude’s information wasn’t already leaked by Equifax, and your own circumstances/morality are preventing you from accessing and sharing his private information, try this simple spell:
Carve his likeness into wax and summon a demon to animate the form.
Watch as the wax figure replaces him at work, with his friends, and in his home, until your true coworker crumbles to dust and is forgotten.
2. Informed Voter Curse
Curse Target: Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz is a godawful space lizard and he must be destroyed.
First and foremost, you’ve got to Register To Vote (and then remember to vote in March and November). Second and aftmost, you’ve got to pick up a used copy of Zodiac (2007), place a paper cutout of Ted Cruz failing to hug his daughter inside, and run it over with your car.
If performed correctly, this curse will divest Ted Cruz of his political power and remove him from human contact; it will also leave him hounded by constant nightmares of his own inferiority and monster trucks that want to kill him.
3. Confrontation Curse
Curse Target: The Person Who Keeps Leaving You Passive Aggressive Notes about the Dead Plants on Your Apartment Patio
Confrontation is a fact of life. To trap your passive aggressive note-leaver into this actively aggressive scenario, try this spell!
Place the remains of your patio plants in a terracotta planter with The Notes. Picture the weird 80s roller-rink upholstery fabric from every bus you’ve ever ridden, and burn it all to ash.
Hopefully, this will result in a scenario along these lines: the person trying to shame you for being a bad gardener is on the train, maybe leaving anon hate online, when they are interrupted by a woman carrying SEVEN GIANT POTTED PLANTS and insisting that your note-leaver give up their seat for her plant babies, even though there are PLENTY OF SEATS AVAILABLE! The plants deserve to be treated well.
4. Laundry Curse
Curse Target: The Person Who Keeps Taking Your Wet Clothes Out of the Dryer After Like Ten Minutes
Instead of stealing his phone and putting it in the washing machine, try this easy hex!
Take one of your dirty socks that lost its mate (because of how many times your laundry was inexpertly and non-consensually moved), and cut it like an apple peel into one long string. Tie two dozen knots into the sock-string and, with each knot, focus your energy on condensing the moisture in the air and funneling it straight into his phone’s charging port.
With a charred heart full of scorn and brownie-level knot-tying skills, this guy’s phone should be useless all day.
5. Time Is Fake Curse
Curse Target: Teens
If you spot one of those herds of young people who are always loitering in parking lots this Friday the 13th, remind them that youth is not to be squandered, and don’t they have homework to do?? You had SO MUCH homework when you were in school! What are these kids DOING???
Remove the rubber eraser from a #2 pencil, and set the pencil on fire while aggressively thinking of anything other than how horrible it felt to be in high school.
Ideally, this will curse these children into thinking the Big Test is a full week earlier than it is, so that they ACTUALLY STUDY. But, there is the chance that the curse will force open the children’s third eyes, and they will ascend to a higher plane of thought, leaving all petty deadlines in their wake.
6. Stomping Curse
Curse Target: Loud Neighbor
Is your downstairs neighbor constantly playing Guitar Hero super loud, even though it’s 4:00 AM and not the year 2006? Rather than breaking into their home and strangling them with a guitar string, quiet them down by following these instructions:
Melt down 13 iron nails and smooth the molten metal over the soles of an old pair of boots. Watch the iron fill in the worn tread, and allow it to cool completely. Invite a spirit to animate these boots in exchange for a saucer of milk and the souls of those who live below you, then chuck the boots onto your downstairs neighbor’s patio so the spirit can claim its reward.
If performed correctly, this curse should grant you a wonderful, deathly silence.
7. Emotional Labor is Valuable, Dammit Curse
Curse Target: That Shitty Dude “Friend” Who ONLY Talks to You Every Few Months When He Needs Validation
You could really expand this to all the men who do not value emotional labor, who think that their problems are somehow unique and also somehow deeply interesting to you; who believe that being forced to have a conversation with them is a rare treat, instead of existentially exhausting. No one cares about your shitty Stephen King knockoff novella, and no it’s not because you’re “too handsome to be taken seriously.”
In your phone’s Contact Information, replace his name with “???????? ”—the next time he tries calling you in the middle of the night to complain about how he has trouble making male friends because he can’t help that all their girlfriends want to sleep with him, text back the word “Unsubscribe” and then BLOCK HIM. Sleep peacefully.
This will curse him to experience a life where his labor and existence are constantly devalued, his complaints are ignored, and his voice is taken from him on a systemic level, but also on a physical level (to be replaced by soothing whale sounds whenever he opens his mouth).
8. Government Intervention Curse
Curse Target: Libertarians
Are you tired of able-bodied white men trying to convince you that government assistance programs are for the birds? And that the taxes that pay for those programs are theft? Shut them up with this simple spell:
Steal the collected works of David Boaz from a library in Dallas. Set it on fire. While the flames grow higher, picture all the BernieBros who voted for Drumpf burning with it.
With proper technique and preparation, this curse will result in all aggressively vocal Libertarians losing their health insurance and becoming a meme that gets sent to Ted Cruz.
9. Fender Bender Curse
Curse Target: The Person Who Regularly Parks Too Close to You and then Keeps Opening Their Door into the SAME DENT in Your Car
Some people are so inconsiderate. Should your personal belief system/knowledge of cars prevent you from cutting their brake lines, consider this hex.
Place a small bolt and a toy car in a glass jar and top it off with gasoline (or lighter fluid, or vodka—whatever you can get your hands on). Shake the jar vigorously and picture that goddamn white SUV rolling down a cliff.
Note: we would never advise that you do physical harm to another human being or, for that matter, purposefully involve yourself in the brain-melting frustration of filing an insurance claim. But, with properly focused energy, maybe they’ll non-lethally hit a pole or a guardrail or something and then just be REALLY inconvenienced.
10. Billy the Big Mouth Bass Curse
Curse Target: The Person Who Just HAS to Keep Story-Topping Themselves
When you find yourself under the impression that conversations require more than one person, only to be talked over so many times as to prove that impression wrong, employ this curse:
Steal a tooth from your target, and place it in a small box. Top the box off with Old Bay Seafood Seasoning, and place it within a slightly larger box. Seal that box within another box, and again, until you have used seven boxes. Crush the boxes with a hammer.
If properly enacted, this curse should result in all of your target’s words and eyes and soul being replaced by the chorus of “Take Me to the River,” as performed here:
11. Entitlement Curse
Curse Target: Baby Boomers Who Give Bad Career Advice
It may be that you’re between occupations at the moment—perhaps swamp witching was getting too sticky and you’ve removed yourself up north to try your hand at a gingerbread hospitality.
At times like these, I’m sure someone has given you some bad advice, like: you just need to print out your resume and hand one to every person in an office that did not invite you to be there; or just show up and start doing a job until someone pays you. While this inconsiderate go-getting may have worked for straight white men fifty years ago, for some reason, you DON’T want to be escorted out of a building by an office park security guard, or, for that matter, work without guaranteed compensation. To remind them that you did not, in fact, ask for their advice, try your hand at this hex:
Tear a picture of Ronald Reagan into tiny, tiny pieces while chanting “ENTRY LEVEL JOB REQUIRES THREE YEARS EXPERIENCE.” Burn the pieces.
This should work to curse the chosen industry of the willfully obtuse relative who offered this “advice” to a future of automation.
12. Forever Alone Curse
Curse Target: People Who Abandon Dogs for Newer, Cuter Dogs
What the actual fuck. Animals are not accessories. What kind of monster rejects unconditional love??
Every time this person get a new dog, take it—take the dog. Love the dog. Move to the country and embrace your new life on your Dalmatian Plantation.
Look: if someone won’t give their dog a forever home, they will be cursed to never find their own forever home; they will die friendless, dogless, and alone. They’ve done this to themselves.
13. More Like Crapitalism Curse
Curse Target: Capitalism
Sneak into a frat house and steal ALL of their American-flag chino shorts. Burn the shorts. Burn the governor’s mansion. Burn Ted Cruz. Burn it all.