There’s only one way I can motivate myself to exercise, and that’s by paying someone else to tell me what to do so that I don’t have to think about it at all. Yay, personal training! The only real drawback is that I have to put on gym clothes and lift heavy things… and push sleds.
Oh, and my personal trainer is my brother.
That part is actually a good thing. It means I can complain! It also means I’m not shy about asking tons of distracting questions that cause him to lose count of how many pull-ups I’ve done. Sometimes he even laughs and rolls his eyes in a kind of exasperated way that says “I just want to get out of here so I can get Torchy’s” and “You’ve only done four reps; you have 16 to go STOP REACHING FOR YOUR WATER BOTTLE” at the same time!
I want to share this rare gift with you. Everyone needs the ability to distract your personal trainer and entertain them at the same time—you don’t even have to be related. If they’re laughing and miscounting your lunges, everyone wins! (Sort of.)
“Am I supposed to feel like an alien parasite is going to burst out of my abdomen?”
This is a pretty legitimate question when you have to do decline leg lifts, right? But you don’t even have to wait for your abs to feel like they’re on fire to ask this question! Any position where you’re lying on your back (reminiscent of Ripley in that iconic Alien scene) will do. You can be sure that your trainer will be impressed by the sly pop culture reference while also glancing at the clock and second-guessing that family discount they’re giving you.
My trainer’s response: “Ten more.”
“I don’t want to tell you what I ate today, so can you just assume the worst?”
This is a safe way to play it vague when you’ve been consuming as much fast food as a rich college student and regularly buying jars of ready-to-eat cookie dough. You want to make sure you get a good workout in so that you feel less like a blorpy slug monster. Pro tip, though: Do not ask your trainer about their diet. You might find out that they ate an entire bag of microwaved pizza rolls last night and feel zero percent guilty about it since all that muscle-building easily negates the extra calories. . . . Not to mention their other food choices are 98% healthy (in direct contrast to yours). You do not need to know that.
My trainer’s response: “Geez.”
“What’s the POINT?”
This one works beautifully right as you’re in the middle of a difficult rep. You’re grunting, making your least attractive expression, and sweat is pouring down your red face. Maybe, right then, it hits you that you’re not even sure how you’re benefiting from this arm-squeeze-thing. Better to ask and learn than to stay ignorant, right?! There’s almost no wrong time to ask this question!
My trainer’s response: “Oh my god… No one has ever asked me that before.”
“Want to blow this off and swing next door for margaritas?”
This mostly applies if your gym is next to a Tex-Mex restaurant, as mine is, so feel free to improvise. It’s also a sly way to let your trainer know that you are down to chill outside of your sessions, so you may also want to proceed with caution if your trainer is not a relative you took baths with as a child. But in reality, your trainer can probably drink way more than you (if they want to) while still looking like an Abercrombie model, because they work out for hours every single day! Yeah. Make mine a frozen strawberry.
My trainer’s response: “Wow. You’re so original.”
“How do you not fart the whole time you’re working out?””
This question is most impactful while you’re doing a squat or anything that requires you to lift with your legs, but really, I don’t have to tell you when to ask this one. You’ll know, trust me. Most people avoid talking about awkward bodily functions with fitness professionals, so you can see how you’ll have the element of surprise on your side. As a bonus, this question will help you come across as hella #relatable, since literally everyone is deeply afraid of accidental gym farts.
My trainer’s response: “Who says I don’t?”
“Is spot reduction still a myth?”
If you ask me, it’s good to regularly check in about this just in case that science gets updated. Sure, it’s been well-documented for decades that our bodies don’t work that way, but it never hurts to make sure, even if it means pausing right in the middle of running laps. And hey, even though we all know focusing on toning only one area is a terrible way to work out, you just never know what the future holds!
My trainer’s response: “Yes. Unless you’re getting liposuction.”
“Can you turn on that fan and point it directly at me?”
At first glance, this question might seem lackluster in comparison to the others. But the key is repetition. You’ll want to ask this question as you move around the gym, every time you’re in a new area where the fans aren’t pointed at you. Does your trainer really expect you to work that hard without a cool breeze? If your trainer happens to respond to this question by just staring at you or calmly reminding you how many reps you have left, simply complain about how hot you are until they relent.
My trainer’s response: *heavy sigh on the way to the fan*
Armed with these questions, you’ll be fully prepared to enliven your training session with wit and humor—while hopefully distracting your trainer from your imperfect form. After all, the last thing you want when you set foot in the gym is to dedicate your undivided attention to your workout, right?
So, the next time you find out you’re in for 30 RDLs and half a minute of rope slams, have a few hilarious questions up your sleeve to shake things up. At the very least, your trainer will remind you that you’re paying for the session and wasting your own time. Sure, other clients may be celebrating their progress with before and after photos, but you? You’re funny.
