A good man is hard to find (in a maelstrom of fiery oblivion from the heavens). Sometimes, you think you’ve found somebody really special — a kind, smart guy with a good job and a booming voice and his own many-headed dragon — and you realize that Mr. Right was just a two-bit false prophet who was using your internet to hack the Pentagon for nuclear codes. These simple tips will help you find the perfect guy to light up your life as the calamity of the gods lights up the night sky, ripping peace from the grasp of mortals, never to be seen again.
1) He always knows just what to say
Some dudes just never seem to notice anything. Like, you get a new dress and he’s just like “augh, my eyes have fallen out of my head because of all of the radiation and also I’m dying.” And it’s just like, come on, Kyle, I got all dressed up for you; I mean I know the world is literally falling apart but I kind of thought I was your world, you know?
But your new boo isn’t like that at all. He picks up on everything and knows just what you need to hear, from “I love it when you wear that dress” to “FORSAKE THE GOLDEN CALF AND FEAR WYCKEDNESS; REPENT BEFORE YOU HAVE STRAYED TOO FAR FROM THE PATH OF JUSTICE.”
2) He handles his emotions
Blah blah blah, the world is ending; boo fucking hoo. Sure, your days are numbered, but your Dream Guy won’t spend all day crying about it. Where your manchild ex Jorden might have wept over the news as war after war consumes the earth, a good man knows how to bottle up all of his feelings, for they, too, shall pass from this cursed planet as it slowly careens towards its final rotations. A good man keeps on looking forward in anguished masculinity, rather than looking back on the World That Was.
3) He thinks ahead
On one hand, literally everyone is starving to death; like, literally. On the other, can you really let that stop you from enjoying your final days? A really good man will have stockpiled plenty of canned and other non-perishable food stuffs to prepare for this unforeseen disaster. Plus, he’s always surprising you with small picnics or romantic candlelit feasts of canned yams and grilled cockroaches.
4) He always takes care of the little things
Some men are just like, ugh, I know the world is ending, but I just want to play Call of Duty, okay?? But not your man. He’s always doing things like picking up your favorite take-out when you come home after a long day, or sweeping your porch clean of auspicious messages written in the bodies of dead, non-native snakes.
5) He always knows how to make you smile
Relationships aren’t all roses and rainbows and drinkable water sources. But even when things are at their worst, a good man can always help you forget the gnashing wails of the doomed with his easy wit and charm. This studmuffin always knows how to make you feel like you still have all of your teeth and arms, and never lets you feel like the shambling, irradiated mess you sometimes think you really are. When you look into his eyes, you know he sees the beautiful soul deep inside of the damned shell of a person you (and every other mortal wandering this ruined world) have become.
6) He remembers to be chivalrous
You’ve dated your fair share of worthless trashboys in your time. Some can’t even be bothered to open the door for you as you sprint towards shelter together under skies lit with the flaming wrath of the gods. You’re just like, “Come on, Austin, let me in, I’m going to burn to death out here” and he’s like “oh sorry I literally forgot you were behind me while I was running for my life.”
But a real man never forgets you outside the cellar and bolts the door while you’re still standing outside, scrambling to escape from hellfire.
And a real woman never forgives.
7) He never stops chasing you
Through peacetime and war and feast and famine, this hunk of burning love has seen you at your best and at your worst. In spite of everything, he never takes you for granted. As the trumpets sound and the apocalypse begins in full, he’s still chasing you through this desecrated hellscape we used to call a civilization.
You know what they say: “Men are from hell, women are also from hell; mortals are doomed to the oblivion of hell now that the sigil hath beene opened.” And in these foreboding times, the differences between the sexes have never been more consequential — without gender essentialism, how can we possibly hold onto our human ideals in the face of total oblivion? So find a guy who really values you — who holds your hand and never lets it go, even after it simply withers away and detaches from your body in the aftermath of a radioactive plague. Find a guy who will take that lifeless hand in his and hold it tight, from now through the true and final End of Days.