8 Sea Monsters You’ll Date in Your 20’s
April 5, 2017 at 12:59 pm
There are plenty of fish in the sea — too bad that most of them are a little irradiated. Here are some catches you’re bound to land in your net while you’re chumming the waters (of love).
“Ethically” Non-Monogamous Loch Ness Monster
Can’t be tied down to one partner; nearly impossible to definitively photograph in the wild.
After the breakup, it’s always texting you demanding one more final meetup “for closure” that ends with it giving you a creepily long hug (it says it “has all those arms” so that it “never has to let you go,” barf). Sank your last four galleons; there were no survivors.
Radioactive Sapient Parasitic Barnacle
Drained its former hosts of all their bodily nutrients and will almost definitely drain you, too; expects you to wash its underwear. Texts you constantly and always nags at you to change your cell phone network to whichever one its parents are on.
Morose Mer-Friend With Benefits
Biologically incapable of: empathy, commitment, finishing a creative project, and walking on dry land. Doesn’t read women writers.
The Handsome Creature from the Black Lagoon
Always wants to show you childhood photos from when it was still just the slightly husky Prepubescent Creature From the Black Lagoon, before adolescence (and science) ran its unholy course. Creaturesplains its morning skincare routine to anyone who’ll listen.
Constantly sharpens its rows and rows of knife-sharp teeth by gnawing on economically parasitic aging sea turtles and leaves discarded shells all over your house.
Would-Be Giant-Sized Man Thing
More thing than man, more man than thing, this garbage fire sent nudes to your younger sister, takes you out to a birthday dinner but forgets its wallet, and eats the last french fry from your plate when you’re not looking. But also, it laid hundreds of eggs in your kitchen cupboards and the hatchlings smoked all your weed.
The Kaiju Guardian You Take Home To Mom
This gentle giant is always talking you up to its clutchmates and gives you a hell of a shoulder rub when you come home from a long day. Some sea monsters make friends easily and are always tearin’ it up on the dancefloor; others rise from the depths to protect a human city. Get you a sea monster who can do both.