We asked our readers to weigh in on a very official and scientific poll: a survey to determine which Fairy Tale Monster Boyfriend was the Monster Boyfriend of our collective hearts. We now present to you our extremely official, definitive ranking of Hot Beasts.
Methodology:
The Science Crones of POME Labs posted a simple two-question survey to Twitter, asking our readers to rank the following Beasts and leave us their comments about them:
- We asked participants to rank Beasts by hotness and personality if possible, but to rank unfamiliar Beasts by shallow hotness alone.
- Only one Hank McCoy can be a definitive Hot Beast — others would be removed from the results.
- Each Beast has been assigned a Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score based on our participants’ responses. This number has no real context and is only useful in that it quantifies Beast hotness for comparison purposes. Numbers make everything more official so feel free to use this number in arguments with internet strangers.
- Beasts were selected based on one crone’s research into notable Beasts and her very biased opinion about what constituted a noteworthy Beast. When asked to comment on the efficacy of this survey, she simply shrieked into our eardrums until they exploded.
- Please note that this list ranks Beasts and not their human form; if you were looking for the Hot Prince Survey, please feel free to tackle that one all on your own because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hot Beasts: Our Findings
Fourteen Beasts entered. By the end of our survey, only ten remained.
The following ten Beasts have been ranked in ascending order of hotness.
10. President Boris Pochenko
From: The Beautician and the Beast — Live action film, 1997
His Whole Deal: Timothy Dalton imagines Tom Selleck as a Fascist dictator in this film starring Fran Drescher and her Fabulous Outfits. His Beast to not-a-Beast transformation is achieved by his decision to try and earn his country’s love instead of its fear, and by Fran Drescher convincing him to shave his dictator mustache.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 6.21
Relevant participant quote:
I’m … sad to put anything with Fran Drescher so low on a list.
9. Broadway Beast
From: Broadway, obvz — 1994-1999, with off-Broadway performances continuing to this day
His Whole Deal: The predecessor to 2017 Live Action Beast; pic above trends towards the hotter representations of Broadway Beast — not a lot to say about this dude that isn’t evident from the picture above or your working knowledge of the 1991 Disney cartoon.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 6.9
Relevant Participant Quote:
I hate that the actual human people aren’t even in my top 10, I’m NOT EVEN A FURRY.
8. Vincent
From: Beauty and the Beast — Live action TV series, 1987-1990
His Whole Deal: Vincent is the Beast at the heart of George RR Martin’s 1987 Beauty and the Beast TV series — a show that can best be described as “a live action Gargoyles with less sexual tension, but more threats of sexual violence and bad wigs.” Vincent is a mopey cat man who loves reading, drapey pirate shirts, and failing to realize that the woman he’s pining over is completely eye-fucking him every time they’re both onscreen.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 7.05
Relevant Participant Quote:
I have never thought so uncomfortably long about my feelings about Ron Perlman’s face.
7. Tarzan
From: For the purposes of this list, Magic Mike XXL — Live action film, 2015
His Whole Deal: Let’s get this out of the way: Tarzan really only qualifies for this survey on a technicality — in one of the film’s final scenes, a character refers to him as a “Beast looking for his Beauty.” Tarzan is King Dad to a yogurt truck full of kindly, benevolent male strippers on a quest to bring joy to women wherever they go. In Magic Mike XXL, we learn that his given name is Ernest, which is unspeakably perfect for this lovely and gentle man.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 7.63
Relevant Participant Quote:
Looks aside, he has such a charming personality. Interesting to see a “beast” with a talent towards art rather than literature.
6. Live Action Beast (2017)
From: Beauty and the Beast — Live action film, 2017
His Whole Deal: When we launched this survey, none of us had seen this film. In the days since, a few of our ranks have repented about how egregiously we underestimated Dan Stevens’s ability to play this role. While still an unsettling Beast who kidnaps a woman in order to win her love, 2017 Live Action Beast seems at least somewhat willing to let her determine her own future and cuts quite a figure in those fitted Rococo waistcoats.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 8.35
Relevant Participant Quote:
I just love Dan Stevens.
5. Beauties Beast
From: Beauties — a comic within the Fresh Romance Omnibus (Volume 1), 2017
His Whole Deal: When we contemplated launching this survey, one POME crone asked another, “Do you think that Trungles has drawn a hot beast?” And lo, the internet delivered this Beast into our thirsty clutches. Beauties is a comic written by Marguerite Bennett and drawn by the aforementioned Trungles, an artist with a flair for elegant, beautiful character designs. This comic grapples with the themes of love versus possessiveness, so we felt pretty bad for being thirsty weirdos about it, but we still want to give this creative team props for crafting this great Hot Beast.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 8.9
Relevant Participant Quote:
HELL YEAH
4. Beast / Hank McCoy
From: X-Men: The Animated Series — TV series/cartoon, 1992 – 1997
His Whole Deal: Hank McCoy is an affable nerd who loves reading and philosophical quandaries. He is a sweet, kind goofball who looks after his friends and hangs out upside down reading Animal Farm.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 9
Relevant Participant Quote:
HE’S JUST A SWEET NERD AND I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM. He’s not as dour as the rest of these assholes.
3. Disney Cartoon Beast
From: Beauty and the Beast — Film/cartoon, 1991
His Whole Deal: This #iconic Disney Beast is best known for:
- Being an Extremely problematic asshole with some real anger management problems
- Having a LIBRARY in his HOUSE
- How much birds like him
As the Beast who introduced us all to Hot Beasts in our childhoods, Disney Cartoon Beast ranked unsurprisingly high in this lineup.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 9.1
Relevant Participant Quote:
Problematic, but has Kind Eyes.
2. Fantasy Painting Beast
From: A series of Beauty and the Beast themed paintings by Rebecca Guay, year unknown
His Whole Deal: This Hot Beast only exists within four classy fantasy paintings, so there is no wider story in which he can disappoint us by being a massive dillweed. He gets to live on forever in our hearts as a super-fine Qunari snoozing gracefully in a rosebed.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 9.55
Relevant Participant Quote:
A very flattering pose.
1. Takarazuka Revue Beast
From: The Takarazuka Revue’s 2011 “Prince of The Land Of Roses,” an adaption of Beauty and the Beast
Her Whole Deal: The Takarazuka Revue Beast hails from a stage production by an all-female theater famous for showcasing extremely handsome women. While we know little about this Beast, we can all appreciate her ability to crush the gender binary in her kickass claws and her inspiringly witchy aesthetic.
Scientifically Accurate Hotness Score: 10.85
Relevant participant quote:
TAKARAKUZA BEAST FOREVER
Our Takeaways
What does it take to be the hottest of the Hot Beasts? From what we’ve learned in this Extremely crucial study, admirers of Hot Beasts aren’t all suckers for extra-thick slabs of beefcake or literal monster horns. Hot Beast fans seem to be just as enthralled by mystery, literacy, and Aesthetic. And if we’ve learned anything from this experiment, it’s this: it doesn’t matter how rich, moody, or blandly handsome you are — it’s the Hot Beast you are on the inside that counts.
