It’s always good to be prepared. We pleaded with the Crones that Be for a look at what horrors might befall us over the course of the next few of years. Here are the horrifying portents they pulled from the incoming senate’s legislative agenda.
1. Mass Enforcement of Media Enterprises Act of 2017
A bill to curtail “fake news” by barring all news outlets and content aggregates from White House press conferences, except for those representing local radio station Facebook pages. All you totally slammin’ members of the press in attendance [sound of flatulence] must submit memes representing the conference to Press Secretary Spicer [sound of sexual intercourse] for approval, and also pictures of your weiner holes. Also, no fatties [clip from Schnappi the Crocodile plays; fades to various soundbites of increasing flatulence].
Journalist correspondence from a presidential press conference in late 2018
Cosponsors:
Every Republican Senator but John McCain
Committees:
Senate – Rules and Administration Committee
House – Twitter Egg Committee
2. Female Human Happiness and Protection Act of 2017
A bill to criminalize excessive ovulation in order to protect the sanctity of unfertilized eggs and promote conception. Fines will be collected from women preventing ovulation through contraceptive medication or devices. These fines will pay for “care packages” to compliant women who choose to fertilize their eggs in accordance with this law. “Care packages” include two fun-size Hershey’s milk chocolate bars, a coupon for 50% off of your next Nestle Good Start baby formula purchase, and one special feminine sanitary belt, for when blood won’t stop comin’ out your hoo-ha.
Sponsor:
Chuck Grassley (R – IA)
Committees:
Senate – Environment and Public Works Committee
House – Uterine Regulatory Committee
3. Ted Cruz Is A Sad Lil Bitch Act of 2017
A bill honoring the accomplishments of that wormy sack of crap Ted Cruz for the historic amount of posterior he’s had to kiss since losing the primary. The purpose of this bill is to accomplish three tasks:
- Ensuring that slimy little toady doesn’t forget that he’ll be spending the next four years licking our behinds
- Reminding the nation that Ted Cruz definitely, positively, absolutely could not possibly be the Zodiac Killer, no matter how uncanny the resemblance is, and encouraging citizens to totally avoid gossiping about this subject, like, for real.
- Setting a legislative precedent for the Mitt Romney Is A Sad Lil Bitch Act of 2018
Sponsor:
Mitch McConnell (R – KY)
Cosponsors:
Ted Cruz (R-TX)
Lindsey Graham (R – SC)
Committees:
Senate – Ethics Committee
House – Schadenfreude Committee
4. Total Excrement Relief for Families Act of 2017
A bill stating that individuals of unclear gender presentation are no longer permitted to defecate in public restrooms, in the ocean, or during the full moon. These citizens will be urged to hold their protests about this bill until 2020, as a bipartisan movement to further investigate this issue will be the number 2 agenda item for the legislative session at that time.
Sponsor:
Lindsey Graham (R – SC)
Committees:
Senate – Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee
House – Waste Committee
5. Defense of Literally Anything Act of 2017
A bill to protect literally any civil liberty because for fuck’s sake, are you all high?? Our President was actually backed by the KKK, you bag of dillweeds. We will overcome any obstacle to protect the American people — everything we hold dear hangs in the balance. We’re outnumbered, but by all that is right and just in this world, we’ll obstruct the whole process over a goddamned city park if we need to…I mean, eventually. Maybe after 2020. Uh…let’s just see how things shake out after the midterms.
Sponsor: [redacted]
Committees:
Senate – Ethics Committee
House – Crying in a Car Alone Committee
6. Skating Enforcement and Regulation of Extraneous Nonsense Altogether Act of 2017
A bill directing the Federal Communications Commission to obligate FUNimation to re-cut Yuri!! On Ice! so that Viktor and Yuuri’s interactions unambiguously reflect a familial, friendly relationship between cousins. The SERENA Act would remove suggestions of deviant homoerotic behavior from Yuri!! on Ice! and improve diplomatic relationships with Russia.
Sponsor:
Marco Rubio (R – FL)
Committees:
Senate – Energy and Natural Resources Committee
House – Nerd Tears Committee
8. Fair Labor Employment Measures Act of 2018
A bill increasing taxes for individuals who fail to answer a series of increasingly difficult riddles and logic puzzles. Individuals who correctly answer each question will receive the option to pay $300 and be entered in a drawing to win one free year of catastrophic healthcare coverage. Terms and conditions may apply, offer not valid in Alaska or Hawaii.
Sponsor:
Rand Paul (R-KY)
“Riddlin’” Rand Paul celebrates the ratification of the FLEM Act on the redesigned senate floor.
Committees:
Senate – Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee
House – Trivia Night Committee
8. All Lives Matter, But Mostly Some Lives Act of 2018
A bill to encourage teachers to dismantle the “common core” and replace excessively “diversity friendly” lesson plans with a new core curriculum comprised of the following subjects:
- Reverse-racism: An American tragedy
- Evolutionary Creationism
- Time Cube Metaphysics
- Biblical Geneology
- A History of Guns & Titties (boys only)
- Needlepoint (girls only)
Physical education will now include boyfights and menstruation for boys and girls, respectively.
Sponsor:
Rand Paul (R-KY)
Committees:
Senate: Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry
House: Guns & Titties Committee
9. Affordable Care Act 2: Electric Boogaloo Act of 2019
A bill to replace the now-repealed Affordable Care Act. Unlike the original and deeply flawed Affordable Care Act, the ACA2:EB Act will not waste federal money on frivolous provisions like mandatory coverage for preventative appointments or pre-existing conditions. The ACA2:EB Act will, however, cover the following:
- A one-month subscription to Weight Watchers
- 2 packs of cigarettes and 3 Nicorette patches
- a linty Tums
- 6 Band-Aids
- Healthcare staples like conversion therapy, phrenological examination, and bloodletting
Sponsor:
The entire Republican legislature is currently fighting each other to the death to take credit for the privilege of dropping this historic turd on President Obama’s legacy.
Committees:
Senate – Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee
House – Nutrition & Herbalife Development Committee
10. Domestic Opportunities for Organization and Migration Act of 2020
An act to preserve and restore the White House, one of our most preciously guarded American treasures, by:
- Upgrading the White House to include rocket thrusters, laser turrets, and a completely waterproof seal.
- Relocating the White House to an undisclosed ominous marshland for Executive security.
- Funds for this project were generously donated by the following private organizations: Luthorcorp, Oscorp Industries, the Shinra Electric Power Company, the Vault-Tec Corporation, and Wells Fargo.
The new White House design is a true symbol of American ingenuity.
Cosponsors:
Norman Osb- I MEAN, Paul Ryan (R-KY)
Committees:
Senate — Ethics Committee
House — Ethics-ish Committee
