Sometimes even crones need a (wrinkled, gnarled) guiding hand when walking through the long, dark hallway of (semi) mortal life. A few brave souls beseeched Persephone, Crone of Crones, Dread Queen of the Dead, BFF of Hekate, Goddess of Witchcraft and the Hearth for her guidance. Here are their pleas and her responses.
My dear ex-wife and your usual “advice” “columnist” (such that she may claim to be) Persephone forgot to log out, so I am here to tell you The Truth.
All of you witches—who are always coming to her with your questions— you are all so emotional, and she is always coddling you. It’s time that someone give you a little rational, warlock-proven advice that will actually prepare you for the real world.
- Spite the sun at every opportunity. Don’t wear sunscreen. Stare into eclipses. Real warlocks are more powerful than the sun.
- Always refer to women as females — men are more rational and scientific than females are, and the best way to show it is by using proper taxonomy whenever possible (but only when discussing the feminam variant of homo sapiens).
- Learn close up magic. Females love surprises. They can’t resist jump scares, and they can’t get enough of that trick where you make coins and other small objects appear from behind various parts of their bodies. What do women want? Who cares! The better question you can ask her is, “was this your card?”
- Never leave home without your acoustic guitar. You need to create your own opportunities to shine, and everyone loves acoustic guitar music. Bonus tip: demonstrate your authority by turning off the Spotify playlist at any given party and providing your own jam sesh instead. Put two songs in a row on the karaoke machine. Only play Wonderwall, and only while other people are talking.
- Never trim your fingernails—you can use your claws to climb walls, play your guitar, pick your teeth, and demonstrate your status as an alpha predator. Show that you accommodate no one.
- Argue with people online. It’s a good use of your time, and how else will they know that they’re wrong?
- Be a winner. Female biology hardwires them to naturally select winners —don’t lose at MtG, don’t lose in a staring contest with the sun, just don’t lose. Bonus tip: Suffer negative consequences while #winning? All physical and/or emotional damage you incurred on your path to victory were dirty tricks.
- Always double down, and don’t admit weakness. You only lose if you admit that you lost.
- Always get a paternity test. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for 230 years or 2,300 years. It doesn’t matter if you share passwords on electronic devices. It doesn’t even matter if you can use your clairvoyant god powers to track each other at all times. You know how females are.
- Hats are always a good look. Everyone knows that fedoras are the true thinking man’s thinking cap. But the World of Hats is your oyster. Straw hats, trilbies, berets, bicorns — the only bad hat is no hat at all.
- Never shower. Avoid swimming and getting caught in the rain. Females are biologically attracted to the pheromones in your natural musk.
- Get a manly pet. If your ex insists on keeping the dog, just get a snake or a lizard and give it a threatening name like “killer” or “duke” or “heart disease.”
- Only buy products that are specifically for men—yogurt for men, laundry detergent for men, earplugs for men, laxatives for men. You don’t want to run the risk of taking a womanly shit, do you???? I didn’t think so.
- Always give your honest opinion, especially to females, and especially if they didn’t ask for it. Females want your advice, but sometimes (because they think it’s unfeminist) they don’t know how to ask for it. Do Let’s Plays. Females love a star.
- Always make sure you get your statistics from a trusted and unbiased source, such as a Men’s Health article you think you read 5 years ago, or Reddit —all the memes are true, and serve as valid evidence in rational arguments.
- Cut out of any engagement whenever you want. These days, females are always shrieking about “emotional labor,” and you know what? They’re right. So don’t be a sucker — avoid doing any at all costs. Never reciprocate anything at all. Never go downtown for any reason. Always leave anyone and everyone who interacts with you wanting more. End your listicles whenever you want.
Dearest trusting mortals, this is your benevolent undying queen Persephone here. Let me give you an even more valuable piece of advice: if you’d like to spend a millennia sleeping on the couch in a dank Tartarus efficiency with your parents, heed my ex husband’s advice. But if you’d like to spend your finite years on this cursed hell-earth with kindred spirits that will love and support you, listen up: take this list entire list and drown it in the sea.